weird

to you who are not talking to me but reading my blog... (we both know who you are), it's weird...

just talk to me!!! a nice talk (or even a hard talk) could bring closure to what was a negative situation...

just contact me... this is so dumb.

best christmas ever

on another note:

i enjoyed my sweet little family so much for christmas. i know that finding my own song has to do with them. they are my future. i am responsible for shaping these precious little lives and this makes me so blessed.

gwen is doing and saying so many hilarious things. she gets really territorial and fights with gabe a lot for attention from people she loves. we were going over to my uncle jim and aunt rita's house and gwen is in the car explaining to gabe that he is her uncle. i told her that that isn't true. "gwen, he is both of your uncles." she looked at me like i was crazy and said, "mummy there isn't two uncle jims!" she is so full of life and spunk. i love every little thing about her.


gwen reading to us.

gabe is going through this phase where he is obsessed with his shoes and socks. he is constantly talking about his socks and every other word of gibberish has something to do with them. if someone takes off their shoes he gets very concerned and brings them to the person immediately so they will put them back on. he is such a little thinker. he analyzes and figures everything out. he is calm most of the time but ohhh so determined and stubborn when he sets himself on something. his little voice is the cutest thing i've every heard.


new shoes.


these little guys made christmas magical. watching them experience it was the very best part. i took down decorations yesterday and gwen told me that she wants it to be christmas all the time. haha i guess i do too.

oh ya... and the husband ;)

finding my song again

sometimes i don't have words...

sometimes someone else much more talented and gifted wrote them for me...

sometimes i feel like i'm getting better and then all of the sudden i'm grieving again... loss. loss. loss.





listen to this song like you've never listened to it. the commonality can take away the magic. pretend it isn't mainstream and hear it with you heart. it's musically genius when no matter who you are you can relate to the story the song is telling. i think most people could if they really listened.

what used to be natural and pure and sweet is now tired and worn. it drags and all the absolutes that i used to base my beliefs on are gone. all the people i trusted implicitly disappointed me. they hurt me and then when they were done hurting me, they hurt me again. my family slipped away. twice. yes, it used to be so easy; so sweet; but i can't remember. i can't feel it anymore.

tomorrow i will get up again and begin. and when i slip again, i'll begin again. i'll never stop trying to find my song again.

choose happiness?

really?

i got into an interesting conversation with someone today regarding "happiness". i'm curious to learn what my readers think about this. is happiness a choice? if we think happy, choose happy, and send out happiness into the universe will we be happy? i know a lot of people think this so i'm curious to know the reasoning behind it.

i don't seek happiness. i couldn't care less about it. it is so fleeting and seems sort of shallow. i'd like to have peace contentment though. but i don't think that these things are choices either. my thinking is that wherever we are is where we need to be. not that we need to be stuck, but we need to be honest. if we choose to be something that we aren't, we are just lying to ourselves. ten steps down the road i'd like to have more peace but that doesn't mean i think i can choose it now. i'd like to make choices that facilitate peace but i honestly don't think i can outright make a choice to be peaceful. it's not that simple.

whether someone believes that these things come from god, or that they come from our own conquering of negative energy, i do believe that they are attainable... attainable through honesty and certain principles... if i wake up tomorrow and i'm miserable, i am NOT going to try not to be miserable. i'm gonna be miserable. i'm gonna try to figure out why. i'm gonna make choices that may or may not help my miserableness.

haven't we all met people that are exuding this crazy, bizarre, fake, happiness? this is what i mean:


SCARY

i guess my main problem is people that are trying to be better, less fearful, less angry and more happy. it's commendable to seek to be a better person but to do it as facade for how they are really feeling is just postponing true health. what do you guys think about this?

my dear sweet husband

this is picture on the way to vegas... 9/09





this entry is for my husband... today i took my final for my anatomy class... anyone who knows me knows that this class has kicked my ass. it has been my first class for six years. i had an F for the first half of the semester. many times i was gonna quit... many times josh encouraged me. three nights a week he took care of the kids and everything else so i could study. he quized me for hours on end before tests. he rallied me. i thought i was barely gonna pass this class. tonight was my final and i got a B. i got a B in the whole class! i started crying when i found out. i know i have a long haul for this degree but the way that my husband has been there for me has given me so much hope for the my future in school. thank you babe. i love you so much.

homesick

don't mind the portuguese subtitles...






this perfectly depicts family to me.

running in the grocery store

i always run into people in the grocery store; sort of a lot. a lot of times i'm ducking down aisles to avoid seeing them. it's really annoying. i'm not the kind of person to run from anything really, but i run from these people because i don't really like them and i just plain don't want to see them.

i'm sure the feeling is mutual and they don't like me very much either. maybe some of them hate me. in my previous 'post-current me' perspective i pretty much thought they were douche-bags and couldn't care less. now i don't think that they are douche-bags. i think they are human beings with a valid perspective. so much of the turmoil in many of my relationships has nothing to do with me anyway. it just has to do with people close to me. but there are still things i have done that i am not proud of. i want to make things right. not because i want them to stop hating me. i really don't care about that. i just think it's the right thing to do.

so this has been bugging me. i don't want there to be anyone in my life that i run from in the grocery store; anyone that i haven't apologized to or made an effort with. now i know that i don't literally have to run from them, but the inclination to avoid is what i don't like. if there is anything that i can do to make things right, i want to do it.

my first attempt landed me on my ass.

i started with the first person i think i seriously wronged. i haven't seen them for ten odd years. it went terrible. now if i saw them in the grocery store i would bolt like lightning. it makes me sad because my intentions were to mend a bridge and i totally blew it to smithereens. but i tried and that's that.

i'm not gonna try to be friends with everyone or trust everyone. that's not what i'm talking about. i'm talking about making peace; saying apologies that need to be said and moving on. i know i probably won't be able to live at peace with everyone. but i certainly am going to try.

a christian who says the f word

someone today emailed me and ask me to refrain from cursing on other people's comments on facebook. this person isn't my friend in real life or on facebook but we have some mutual friends.

anyways, my initial feeling was "f you". you all will be proud of me because i didn't say that. (well most of you; a few are probably disappointed.)

it seriously surprises me that people think that this is a problem. i mean i can see if there are kids involved, or even if the word is said in person. but on someone's fb page? like, what is going to happen to you when you read it? will it make you stumble? i really don't get it. but there are probably a lot of people that are offended by it and as much as i like to stir things up and cause controversy, i truly don't want to offend anyone.

anyway, i told this person that i would respect their wishes. they ask if i was a professing christian. i'm assuming to explain how i shouldn't talk like that because the bible says so or something. when i was faced with that question i really didn't know how to respond. i love jesus! i love him so much. only because of my own life and my own experience. i don't know what is right for everyone else. i definitely want to find more of him. i even want to submit to other people i trust and learn more of why and what i believe. but i'm so hesitant to say i'm a christian because of the wide scope of possibilities that this could mean.

i'm still saying i'm a christian because i am. it's stupid to say that i'm not just because of what this could mean to someone else. i should only make a profession for or against christianity for me and god, regardless of anyone else. and despite the cringing inside of me at the thought of all the things that "christian" could mean, it means something beautiful to me. it means jesus is my hero; that i want to be like him... not who everyone else thinks he is but who i believe he is.

anyways, so i'm a christian who says the f word.

fireflies

certain songs bring me back from death... death meaning the lack of life, true passion and drive...

the power behind the arts is amazing... humans are such deep creatures; so deeply faceted. so much in us cannot be expressed through simple living. this is not a plain cookie cutter black and white reality. the absolutes are fuzzy and no one is really right. music is the only thing that can express and touch without validity or proof. it just does and is and no one can prove it or explain it.

what does this ridiculous song mean to you? perhaps it is just stupid gibberish. but not to me. it lightens my grey nothingness. i see yellow specks within my shadows and they are full of spunk and flames. often when i am hiding and sinking, i withdraw from everything including music and art. but it always finds me. i can't stay away. it draws me out and forces me to grieve so i can move on. facing music is like facing everything i'm trying to push down and avoid. i hear it and immediately cry. and then for some reason it's beautiful but i can't explain it.

thank you owl city for fireflies.

christmas

most of you know my christmas background. it's not much. we never celebrated it when i was a kid. and that's fine. thanksgiving was awesome; it was just like christmas is except not pretending it's jesus' birthday.

it's not his birthday. it's just a holiday that has no origins in jesus and christianity. it annoys me that people try to make it about him. back in the day constantine did and now we still are. people just mix and mesh god and jesus in all of their holidays and i don't get why. worship jesus and have your holidays. don't give jesus a fake birthday.

don't get me wrong, i like christmas. i think i may be starting to love it. my kids are like little versions of me experiencing this holiday. we are both newbies at it. it a time to create special memories and we are making some already. it's nice that christmas is so special to josh and he is helping me figure it all out.

but this year i'm gonna celebrate christmas. i'm gonna celebrate this time with my family. i'm gonna be thankful to my version of who god is. but i'm certainly not going to make this holiday about jesus' birthday.

random

so this is probably my favorite one of these yet... i thought they were just soooo unbelievably shallow until i caught the new ones on E tonight and wow... holly and bridget were great... i sorta liked them all along anyways. but it's a great picture and i believe in it so there ya go.

on another note, i'm so frustrated with all the emails i'm getting from readers that want to comment but my site won't let them. it's very fRUStrating. so until i figure this little problem out, just email your comments and i'll post them. i like them being on the site so people can read other people's thoughts and opinions. anyways we'll see if i can figure this out.

regarding my last post, i made the call. the ball is rolling and i'm instantly terrified and want to retract everything i said. but i'm not going to... i'm gonna grow if it kills me. and it probably will.

job's wife

it must be really annoying to those of you who keep up with me because it's the same ol story all the time; just gets worse. i feel bad and have considered giving up writing because it's almost embarrassing. but i'm not going to. at least not yet. depends on how low this goes.

i had epiphany on sunday. i've been holding back because i don't feel that i'm ready. in a million ways i don't feel ready. i don't feel like i am strong enough or christian enough to do the million things i want to do. i don't believe the things that i should believe. i keep waiting to become ready. this approach isn't working. so all of sudden it hit me that i'm the one holding me back. i keep letting my life happen to me. i'm not taking control of my life. i'm just being tossed around and ground down; not taking initiative; not standing back up when i fall down; just falling and falling and falling.

the truth is i know i have a hell of a lot more in me than this. i'm pretty tough. i always was. when did i give up? i know when. i know what happened and why i did. but i'm stronger than this. taking a plunge does not make me weak. it makes me strong. it didn't take me long at all to become job's wife; someone that gave up and ceased giving hope. it didn't take much for me to lose my faith. i have a pretty low threshold for faith losing i guess.

i keep thinking i'm ready and try to get up and i never know where to start or how to do it. tomorrow i need to make the call. i'm going to do it.

to all the ones i love

i never was a merciful person. if someone was depressed i just thought they should get over it. if they were mean or abusive i would just think they are a bad person. i'm not sure what happened or when. but my heart breaks for all the people around me that are doing shitty things. my heart breaks for the people judging them; for the people that are reacting in fear and anger; for the people that are doing what they do because they are broken and don't know what else to do.

i'm sad for everyone that is angry with everyone else. i'm sad for the people that are making judgements without knowing the history or the reasons. i wish everyone would try to understand that they might not know. they may be wrong. they might not know the whole story.

everyone has a perspective. everyone's perspective is valuable. everyone's perspective is valid to them.

i'm not gonna be a republican anymore

so i have decided not to be a republican anymore. or conservative. or whatever. i know what i mean. my identity is so wrapped up in this. my brother hit the nail on the head. passionate just to be passionate. i believe in conservatism because i'm a passionate person and everything else in my life is in limbo. it's the only thing i KNOW.

anyways, i intend to find another place to channel my passion. i think this has been a rouse to distract me from finding what i believe.

i guess what i'm trying to say is i need to figure out this whole "god" thing. i want him. i believe in him. i will follow him. but that's about it. i don't know him. i don't understand him and i have no passion regarding him. politics has been getting in the way.

so it's official. i'm not a republican anymore. i'm nothing until i figure out what i am.

bitterness

i've been thinking lately about bitterness. especially toward god. there are all sorts of extremes and a variety of slants, but it's pretty much everywhere. everyone is biased and to some degree, they are bitter.

i've been noticing that most people that are bitter toward god are not really bitter toward him. they are bitter toward people. christians. and i don't blame them. christians are the worst. and the best, but also the worst. so the last couple of days i have been doing a run down in my head of all obviously bitter friends i have. (the other ones are just hiding it.) i could only think of one of them that seems to be purely angry with god. no one else. why did god let this happen? the rest of the group have been tainted by the worst of human nature and what used to be about god isn't really about him. it's just about some douchbags that ruined god's name.

so then i thought about me. i thought that i was bitter at the people too. if someone were to ask me and i had to answer quickly, i would have said it was the people. and perhaps it was for a while. but i think i'm really bitter at god. if i was the only one left and it was just me and him, i think i would still say, "what the hell?" (while bowing reverently because he's still god.)

i hate it when songs become mainstream because i feel like they lose their power. i feel like i wrote this song before i heard it everywhere. not really. but really i did.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fs51Fo9fuGM

i love it how god is portrayed as standing on a street corner smoking a cigarette. i love how the writer reverently inquires but also shows his frustration at what he feels is complete abandonment. complete abandonment. ya, he found me, but there isn't much left.

vegas

so we're going to vegas. really it's a miracle trip because it's free and everything worked out so perfectly. i was just telling josh that i want three days away with him and we got offered the trip less than twelve hours later. i don't remember life with my husband without kids. the most we've ever been away alone together in three years was to pismo for twelve hours. which was great, i'm not complaining or anything. but wow. three whole days. two nights. staying up all night knowing i can sleeping in. gin and tonic. nachos. dancing like crazy teenagers while wearing a mini and three inch heels. (me, not josh heh heh.) winning lots and lots of money. hahaha. not serious on the last one. but the rest of it i'm so excited about.

the last time we were in vegas we were getting married!!!! (for the second time.)

take care of myself

last week was a bad week. real bad. mostly i'm writing about negative things right now. i'm not gonna lie, i feel like there are a lot of negative things in my life. so if you read my blog that's mostly what you'll come across. but i know that my perspective is part of the problem. either way, i have no desire to pretend or put up some front that is a facade to who or where i really am.

so it wasn't anxiety for once. well, i guess in a way it was but in an unusual way. i want my husband to love me. so bad. i guess he does but i have all these stupid ways of trying to find out. anyways last week some things came out between us that probably needed to. despite how uncomfortable it was, i kind of think it needed to happen. there are some things i just need to trust. i need to stop trying to test everything. my husband loves me. he does. a lot.

then he left town. this trip has been planned forever but i just didn't like the timing. i was feeling incredibly insecure and emotional about our week from hell.

so he just called me and i was feeling pathetic and needy. bummer. i am so dependent on his moods, reactions, feelings, that i lose myself. my entire life is so immeshed with josh and these children. who the hell am i anymore? i'm scared that what i feel will cause a loss of love. i portray what i think will be acceptable. how miserable. for me and him.

anyways, i think this is part of the reason i've been so blah. i had a really helpful talk with a special someone who is so balanced in the arena. i felt at ease after hearing the way she handles herself with the other facets of her life. i think coordinate is the word. this is possible. it is possible to coordinate my needs and the needs of my family.

i think that despite common cultural christian opinion, (the three c's heh heh), i need to take care of myself before i can truly take care of my family. if i am haggard and not making my needs (and desires) known, they will sense that i am worn thin and ragged.

i never thought i'd say this, but i think i need to start loving myself before i can pour out.

healthcare

i get it ok. i get why this thing was proposed. or at least i get why they are saying it was proposed. i don't think anyone can deny that this is a scary step in the direction of outrageous government control. if it stopped here maybe i wouldn't be so adamantly against this thing. but it won't stop here.

that saying, i think i feel more passionately about this issue than i ever have about anything controversial. i believe what i believe for a reason but i also respect and am open to all opinions because everyone is valuable and their experiences and opinions are as well.

here are some points i would like to make regarding this issue:

first of all, everyone can pull up a statistic or manipulate data to prove whatever point they want to prove. this can and has been done with this issue. anyone that is educated about surveys and how they are run knows this. the research i have done has led me to believe that the life expectancy in nationalized health-run countries is less, that the C-section rate is more, and that the care is generally bad. i have also read and talked with people that tell me just the opposite. but i believe that both views have been gotten and slanted both ways to create a desired outcome.

yes, there is a problem with the existing system. but i don't believe that more government control with fix the problem. (look at the difference between US Postal Service vs FedEx and UPS-even Obama admitted this). it will only create more monitoring. it will do what some people are saying insurance companies are doing, which is denying care that some deem necessary. the only difference is that our government instead or our insurance companies will be denying us. The corruption will still be there. Whether it is doctors immorally suggesting treatment for money, or insurance companies denying legitimate claims, or the government treating us like numbers and managing our care and quality of care based on what they deem necessary, CORRUPTION WILL HAPPEN.

At the this point the argument arises that debates the inherent nature of humans. I believe that every person has the potential for incredible good or incredible evil. Evil however will always exist. Do we all sacrifice a little of who we are and what we believe for the greater good? Perhaps if the greater good was really greater.

This is being presented as equality and it won't be. There is no such thing as equality. Our individual health care WILL BE taken away. It is so naive to think that we will be able to keep it as an option in the long run. Throughout history this has proven to be true. The French Revolution came about because of the terrible injustice and inequality between the very rich and very poor. We all know that the exact same thing happened when the poor took over and tried to create an equal system. Equality could not exist because of corruption. Communism was another attempt to create equality. It didn't work because of corruption.

I have always said that Communism is a great idea if corruption and greed did not exist. It is a beautiful theory. But it isn't real. It will never happen because of the potential of human nature.

This will not work.

in the middle

my self proclaimed job since i was little was being in the middle. facilitating communication. catching moments before they get awkward. sensing moods and making sure my actions encourage peace between parties. i don't think anyone specifically ask me to do this. but i think to some extent it was expected.

i don't blame my parents or siblings. i don't blame anyone really. everyone tried their best i think. it was a hard situation. situations. these personal expectations have been called upon several different times in my life. i honestly have believed it's my job. i believe i can make things better. that i can make people friends again. that all these people that i love can love each other again because of my assistance and involvement.

only recently i realized this is destroying me. it contributes to a great deal of my anxiety. i see everyone's perspective and i think that all opinions and feelings are of value. whether or not they are valid doesn't really matter to me. they are VALUABLE. why doesn't everyone else value them? why can't i make them?

yesterday was my brother's wedding. a day i wished for for years. i prayed he would find a wife for so long. he did. she is everything he needs. she fills every void he has and vice versa. i honestly think they are perfect for each other and for this reason i was exctatic about this day.

but it was also my worst nightmare. all these people in the same place that don't like each other. all these people that have all these opinions and feelings that are all valuable but don't coincide with each other. i am the common link. i love all of them!

it was hard but it was a victory. i didn't try to fix anything but my heart pounded as i anticipating the awkward interchanges and glares. instead of listening to people's opinions i planned on pretending to be occupied. surprisingly for the most part no one needed my help. the wedding was beautiful. i didn't do anything and nothing fell apart. everyone was mature and civil.

it definitely wasn't natural but for the most part i feel that it was a victory. then why do i feel so sad? i feel sad because i have been under a false impression that i can fix it. i have been wrong. i'm sad because i don't think it will every be fixed. i will be sad about this most likely for the rest of my life and i just now realized i can't do a damn thing about it. it will happen again with someone else i love. loss of relationship is sad and it is just a part of life.

it seems like my options now are cynicism or sacrificing myself to love that will only end in pain. i already did cynicism so i guess it's time for masochism.

Gwen

Gwen always brings me a little cup for her to put her snacks in. She likes them to be contained and neat. Sometimes its grapes or cheerios. Today it was pretzels. She was eating her pretzels neatly on the coffee table, when she announced that she needed water. She then went and got a cup and got herself some water only to come back and find that Gabe (who is not so orderly) had massacred her neat little situation by pouring out the pretzels and pounding them into the table and carpet. Upon seeing the situation I expected Gwen to cry or smack Gabe. Instead she shrugged her shoulders dramatically, and sighed heavily. "Bubby," she said, "Next time just ask me. Just ask me Bubby."

She is such a sweet heart. I can't believe what a little miracle she is. She sits next to me and copies my mannerisms and words. Puts her hands on her hips and says, "Mummy, I think, I no like that," when she disagrees with me. She crosses her legs and curtsies when she is showing off her dress. She always makes sure that Gabe gets equal attentions from both strangers and loved ones.

She is kind and considerate; impulsive and dramatic. She is lovely and quirky and energetic. She is such a lady and such a kid.

She is just beautiful and i'm so happy that of all the possibilities, she was the one that made me a mom.

it won't always feel like this

gabe was up all night and gwen was up on and off. both were NOT happy. i was running from one to the other all night trying to soothe them while feeling like i was the one that needed to be soothed. in the midst of all this scurrying around and exhaustion, i remembered what my mom used to tell me when things were hard.

it won't always feel like this.

i usually took this into consideration when a trial in my life was happening. i thought of it in a broad sense. but since my anxiety has become such an overwhelming factor in my life i thought i could apply it to small issues that feel big. like both kids screaming in the middle of the night. i said it to myself over and over again. it won't always feel like this. it won't always feel like this. there will be a time when they will fall asleep. eventually it is bound to happen. and eventually it did.

it works in a broad sense also. i won't always have anxiety if i work hard at overcoming it. i won't always have kids that are so needy. they will get older and i probably will miss it someday. i won't always be scared about money. i won't always be sad. these things evolve and change. many of them i have control over, and many of them i can adjust. some of them just have to run their course. but...

it won't always feel like this.

medication

so... i was getting better. totally better. enjoying my kids, my life. resting. not compulsively cleaning all the time. i could let crumbs fall and not rush to vacuum them. i could let my kids tear apart my house without panic attacks. i could talk about money with my husband without my heart rate accelerating and my breathing becoming difficult. i had a glimpse of what peace may feel like.

something happened. i can't really tie it to one specific incident but it was about three weeks ago when it all came crashing down. worse. much worse. the panic attacks were (are) almost violent. i truly feel that i may be having a heart-attack when it happens. the worst part is the inability to breath. the constriction of my lungs makes it feel like i have asthma or something. i don't. i can't sleep. i lay there feeling my heart beating a million beats a minute. listening to the sound of my husband breathing. my kids breathing. counting their breaths. hearing every rustle outside. every creak inside.

wine is the only thing that remotely relaxes me. i don't like that. i don't like needing something to function (or not function). i don't even like needing deodorant to not stink much less a substance to allow me to sleep.

i have always felt that medication is a cop-out. a surrender to something negative that could be solved with hard work and endurance. i have felt that it postpones the problem instead of fixing it. it creates other problems instead of solving the one. i don't even like taking tylenol. since i was very young i refused vaccines and even cough syrup. i don't want to need anything.

so now i am a mother. i am responsible for these little lives. i watch gwen react to my panic and try to compensate. i watch her stress level go up. i watch her compulsively clean because she sees me do it. my heart is breaking because my stupid pathetic problem is hurting her.

today josh told me it may be time to talk about it. not to take it. just to talk about it. my therapist said that i'm getting down to some hard things and it may get worse before it gets better. she was right but i really don't think i can handle much more. they both have told me that it doesn't have to be forever. maybe just a couple of months. maybe just a prescription that i can take when the panic attacks happen instead of a pill i have to take every day.

i am still nursing. this makes me a little relieved because i can't do anything right away. i don't want this, but i'm not functioning. i can't continue like this. i want to get better. i want to face head on all the things that i have been hiding from. i want to walk forward instead of staying stagnant. i would rather do this without medication. i hope i can but i am not holding my breath.

i don't want to be god

i have never questioned the existence of god. ever. for the first time this week after being terribly disappointed in people once again i felt myself clinging onto to my idea of jesus. this familiar situation brought the very new thought that perhaps this jesus and my relationship with him is fabricated by my own need to have something to hope in.

perhaps the desperation that i would experience without this jesus is the only reason i want him. maybe i don't really want him. maybe i just don't want NOT him. what this world looks like without him is so dark and bleak that i can't accept it. it is easier for me to believe in him than not. people have and will continue to disappoint me, and what jesus represents to me is unfailing love, loyalty, and constancy. but i have created almost an idol of jesus and who he is that may not even be him. is it him i want or just something to fix this pain?

it has been about a week of this. today in church it hit me. i honestly don't even remember what church was about, but something that was said clicked in my mind.

we are born to worship something. it is innate. we have to have a god and if it isn't jesus or allah, or whatever, then it's us. we then begin to believe and trust ourselves. we become god. and if this works for some people, then ok, but it doesn't work for me. i become a horrible person when i am god.

let's say god doesn't exist. let say that jesus is not who i have believed him to be. all i know is that the person i am without him is miserable, depressed, and self centered. i am full of fear and anxiety. i want things i don't want to want. but jesus changes me. i haven't seen dead people raised to life. but i have seen my own heart completely soften and change when i thought it was impossible. i've seen myself be able to love and accept things that i was unable to without him. in my life i have attributed peace only through him and believe me, i have looked for it other places.

this sounds self centered, but all i can know is who he makes me; how he affects me; who i am because of him. even if it is all fabricated, then he is the only fabrication that works for me. if something or someone else does this for other people, that is not really my business. for me jesus is the only way.

i did it again

feeling really down. i guess guilty. guilt is the most useless emotion ever. there is no point to it. it is dumb. it doesn't make anything better; just makes me feel awful.

one thing hits a nerve somewhere and out of the blue i said something i didn't mean; something i didn't really believe; something that was terribly hurtful.

i'm not sure why or when spouting off toxic words became one of my shields. i guess it happened because it works. when someone comes charging, it stops them. they can't hurt me anymore when i've stabbed them first. it works but i hate it. i hate it because when i spew my poison, i don't feel better. i would almost rather be hurt than hurt. but i find myself here every so often and it makes me so sad.

let down...

his week has been a week of disappointment. every time i put my hope in them i am crushed when they show their humanity. for the last few years i have been living from one extreme to another. on the one side hating everyone and refusing to trust. on the other side, placing my trust in them. somehow this week some of my cynicism weakened. i put hope in someone and was very disappointed. very hurt. it's like this feeling in the pit of my stomach that is so fucking familiar. pain. pain mixed with adrenalin. the adrenalin is fueled my anger. "i won't even let this happen again". i vow it to myself. but the truth is i will. i don't want to be that person. i won't be.

there is not one person in my life that i know i will have forever. that i know will stick by me through thick and thin. there are definitely people i am pretty damn sure are loyal. (you know who you are hj) :) but i have lost my trust in humanity.

it's official.

the weird thing is, i don't feel angry right now. i don't feel devastated or alone. i just don't feel like my friends are going to save me; that my parents are going to save me; my mentors; my pastors; even my husband. i'm not depressed but i am sad. people are broken. when all is said and done we will all be disappointed and we will all disappoint.

who will save me? i have an inkling that this is supposed to draw me to god. and i think i'm ready.

thank you

thank you friends for the emails and posts. i honestly was shocked that this post got so much attention. i was embarrassed to post it because i truly thought we were alone in this. by doing so, i have realized quite the opposite.

women, wives and mommies... we are creative, intuitive and inspirational. we will make a way for our families. let's support each other. thank you so very much for offering yours to me. hit me up when i have some to give. i'm working on it.

ep

i'm a republican

my picture is right next to a picture of Sean Hannity.

i get very uncomfortable when people say they are liberal. when comments are made or even when i see their political affiliation on their facebook profile, i feel my stomach turning. i just can't wait to get in an argument with these people and find out why someone in their right mind, that hasn't been brainwashed by the media and the stars, would actually WANT their rights taken away. Even the word liberal means the exact opposite of what it represents.

i believe in conservative politics. i really really believe in it. i don't think it is THE WAY or anything and that all our problems will go away if we are conservative; but i believe it is the best option we have right now.

now to get the elephant in the room out of the way. the portrayed hot topics between conservatism and liberalism are abortion and gay marriage. these two issues aren't what each affiliation represent and they are just a smokescreen for the actual agenda. in regards to these issues i believe the decisions should be handed over to the state and decided by the people. as to what i believe on these issues? to be honest, abortion breaks my heart. after having children and feeling them growing inside me, i think it is a horrible thing. gay marriage? it's not my choice but hey, i'm not an advocate against it either.

with these issues aside, do the majority of jo blows out there know what they believe? if these two topics were not on either side, then what does each party represent?

i resent the implication that conservatism has anything to do with god, christianity or religion. it doesn't. i think that i became more passionate about politics when i lost my trust in god. when it comes to politics the majority of people are following without being educated and it drives me bananas.

josh was laid off from pg&e a year ago. he was hired again for a short time during that year and they have been assuring him of his job since then. we've officially given up. he has been able to get his AA during this time and it may end up being a blessing very very very cleverly disguised. i'm definitely not ready to say that yet but maybe someday.

since he has lost his job he has been on unemployment and our kids have been on medi-cal. pg&e told him that because of the union he didn't have to look for work and he would be hired back "any time". we've been sort of waiting. but he's been able to get his AA in one year, which is awesome. it's been hard to be a part of "the system" but we have definitely benefited. because of all the budget crisis, his checks are often late however, and this time it was 5 weeks since we received our edd check.

anyway, yesterday was an awful day. since we hadn't received any money for so long i thought we might qualify for cash aid and food stamps. it was one of those things that i was embarrassed to do, but i thought it couldn't hurt so i would try. i had an appointment yesterday. it affected me so deeply, i think it was a turning point in my life.

i walked into the SS office with all my information. they want everything of any importance. Social security cards, bank statements, car registrations, birth certificates, proof of rent, proof of utilities, the list goes on... in order to qualify for cash aid, my kids must be immunized. and also if they were school age, they must be in school. this made me very uncomfortable. Whether or not i believe in these things or not is not the issue. it is just being told i have to do it that really bothered me. i was walked into a room with several other people to watch this video explaining to me my rights. it was so elementary. i was embarrassed to be sitting in the same room as all these people. i don't believe i am better than them; i really don't. but i was embarrassed. anyway, let's just say that i smelled the best out of everyone in that room and by the time i left i didn't smell very good anymore.

we were like a number. one of many. the masses of poor people who have to go through all these hoops and give away their rights for a check. for money. for a handout.

i was then walked into an interview room where i sat in silence for about ten minutes while the worker looked at paperwork and her computer etc. i felt so stupid; i can't explain it. like i was castrated of my power or something; like i was giving all my rights away. the lady then proceeded to explain to me that i would need to go to a program 32 hours a week that would assist me in finding work and teach me social skills on being responsible and independent. at that moment something snapped in me and i said, 'maam i don't need help finding work. i can find work just fine'. she told me that it is a state mandated and if i want cash aid i have to go to the program.

so my wheels are turning as i'm sitting there. basically instead of working i have to go to this program on how to find a job. okkkaaaaayyyy. kind of seems completely pointless. see i am just a number to them. they think that i am like all the other uneducated and homeless persons that may not have the skills to make it in life. i kept thinking however that the system is meant for people like us; people that are capable and hard workers. people that have come upon a rough patch. apparently not.

my next dilemma. i ask her if i could apply for EOC. (paid preschool). i thought for sure we would qualify for this. the point of this program is for adults who can't afford childcare to be able to work or go to school because the state assists with this cost. she told me that the only way i would be able to qualify for child care is if i qualify for cash aid. when we start working we won't qualify anymore because we will have an income and then we will make too much. (too much is anything over 1400 a mo between us). 'so what you are telling me is i only get EOC if i poor enough to get cash aid which would mean that i don't have a job.' 'yep'. so the point of EOC is to allow me to stay home and watch soaps??? because if i work then i don't get it.

this is sooooo maddening! THIS IS WHY THE SYSTEM DOESN'T WORK! it is set up so that you are dependent on it. the amount they give you, keeps you poor, but is just enough to where it's almost not worth it to get out of it. why work if i have to pay for childcare? why work when i get money and free food by not working? i'll be poor but by the time they are done with me i have no rights anyway so what's the use of even getting off of the couch? this is the mentality of the people by the time they are done with you.......... not me; no way!

you think you want nationalized health care? do you know that that will mean that you cannot choose your own level of care? that you will be required to immunize you children? that you will not have the option of homeschooling them? that the government will mandate what you are aloud to own and what assets have to be liquidated?

i got up and left. i told her forget it. i see how people get into this trap. it's not hard to do. i don't judge them, but i'm not going there.

josh didn't want me to go anyway. he he told me we would be ok and to be honest we are. we have always had everything we need. he has made sure of that. i just thought it was worth a try. well it wasn't.

he has been working for a while now and it's not pg&e mind you, but it's got a future and he has been able to get his education while doing it. he has also been able to spend time with his kids and even involve gwen in his work. impossible at pg&e.

we both are driven to make a way for our family. everyone knows that getting an education after children is hard. but we are going to do it. he's already gotten his AA. and he will get his BS. i'm applying to the nursing program in 10. we are going to do it without being on welfare and we are going to do it well!

the programs were set up with good intentions i'm sure. to help people like us. but they have become an addiction for the people in this system. they are so worn down by it they don't have the drive to get out of it.

i believe in this country. i believe in education and the entrepreneurial spirit.

so i'm a republican. my picture is next to Hannity's.

i forgot what this feels like.

today i am not tired. i am not tired! i didn't remember this feeling called not tired. it's incredible. invigorating. exciting. i am ecstatic to think that this could be my life. everything feels so simple today. even the not simple things are simplified. i have been tired for so long that i'm wondering what sort of perspective shift will happen. i'm excited what not being tired will do; what i will see and enjoy that i have been missing.

last night was the first night that i slept a full eight hours uninterrupted. not even once! a week ago two interruptions in that time would have been an improvement. things are shifting and i guess i'm just shocked how much it is affecting me.

this sounds funny but i feel like i've fallen in love with my children all over again. they are just so silly and fun. today i was waiting for probably five minutes while gwen tried to maneuver her way out of the car while carrying her new lawn chair. i was so happy to just watch her figure it out. she then carried it down the stairs, out onto the deck, turned it toward the view, sat down, and proceeded to read her book. she's just so great.

thinking of the millions of little precious things they do i feel that i haven't been appreciating. this not tired thing is pretty cool.

i'm a christian...

i am a christian. not the christian that i was growing up. and definitely not the christian i was when i was in the mission field. i'm more like the christian i used to judge. the one that i thought was a cop-out and may as well just be a pagan.

it's not what i do; it's how i think. i like the coexist sticker. i almost want to put it on my car.

i really really enjoy my liquor and cigarettes and i really want to smoke pot but my husband has put his foot down on that one. why did i have to wait till i have kids to get the pot urge? anyways, it doesn't look like thats gonna happen on this side of fifty anyways. oh well. i get very uncomfortable when people sound spiritual or throw scriptures around. i'm one of tHOSe people who doesn't like organized religion. i don't really like most christians.

i never thought i would be this person. but as i think about it i can't believe that i used to be one of those people.

i tried to reject jesus. i tried valiantly for two years. worked hard at staying bitter and pushing everyone away. he was still there. i don't think it ever really bothered him. he just kept loving me. i tried not to but i fell for him again. i couldn't help it. i'm not into the bible or praying or being spiritual. but i am into him. there is something about him and i know it's him. i recognize him.

i choose him. i don't choose anything else; but i do choose him.

who am i?

it's time for me to grow up. i'm a mom after all. i'm the adult. no one tells me when to go to bed and to eat my veggies and yet i still feel that i am waiting for an adult to step in and tell me what to do. i am the adult. it falls on me. this is not liberating. it is terrifying. it scares me to death.

somehow becoming a wife and mother did not make me grown up. i expected it to but it didn't. instead i fell into this roll that i was not prepared for and certainly was not qualified for. now i am lost in this position. the complexity of this job has drowned me. i expected this all to look and feel so different. i expected to be a better wife and mother. i expected to be full of joy a whole lot more and feel desperation a whole lot less. i never expected to feel overwhelmed and hopeless so much.

for two and a half years i have been a mother. i will never regret it, because my children are unbelievable. i love them so deeply that it aches. they are wonderful. but i feel lost in it. this blog is an effort for me to find me again. i am not expecting the me that i find to be the same me that existed before motherhood. i am not even expecting to the like the me i find. but i am willing to take that chance. who am i? i honestly have know idea and it is overwhelming to think about. but i am ready.

new blog

my brand new blog... i've been stewing on this for a while and am so excited to write... i used to write and it seems that motherhood has sucked me dry of every creative instinct... here i go...