i did it again

feeling really down. i guess guilty. guilt is the most useless emotion ever. there is no point to it. it is dumb. it doesn't make anything better; just makes me feel awful.

one thing hits a nerve somewhere and out of the blue i said something i didn't mean; something i didn't really believe; something that was terribly hurtful.

i'm not sure why or when spouting off toxic words became one of my shields. i guess it happened because it works. when someone comes charging, it stops them. they can't hurt me anymore when i've stabbed them first. it works but i hate it. i hate it because when i spew my poison, i don't feel better. i would almost rather be hurt than hurt. but i find myself here every so often and it makes me so sad.