his week has been a week of disappointment. every time i put my hope in them i am crushed when they show their humanity. for the last few years i have been living from one extreme to another. on the one side hating everyone and refusing to trust. on the other side, placing my trust in them. somehow this week some of my cynicism weakened. i put hope in someone and was very disappointed. very hurt. it's like this feeling in the pit of my stomach that is so fucking familiar. pain. pain mixed with adrenalin. the adrenalin is fueled my anger. "i won't even let this happen again". i vow it to myself. but the truth is i will. i don't want to be that person. i won't be.
there is not one person in my life that i know i will have forever. that i know will stick by me through thick and thin. there are definitely people i am pretty damn sure are loyal. (you know who you are hj) :) but i have lost my trust in humanity.
it's official.
the weird thing is, i don't feel angry right now. i don't feel devastated or alone. i just don't feel like my friends are going to save me; that my parents are going to save me; my mentors; my pastors; even my husband. i'm not depressed but i am sad. people are broken. when all is said and done we will all be disappointed and we will all disappoint.
who will save me? i have an inkling that this is supposed to draw me to god. and i think i'm ready.
No comments:
Post a Comment