in the middle

my self proclaimed job since i was little was being in the middle. facilitating communication. catching moments before they get awkward. sensing moods and making sure my actions encourage peace between parties. i don't think anyone specifically ask me to do this. but i think to some extent it was expected.

i don't blame my parents or siblings. i don't blame anyone really. everyone tried their best i think. it was a hard situation. situations. these personal expectations have been called upon several different times in my life. i honestly have believed it's my job. i believe i can make things better. that i can make people friends again. that all these people that i love can love each other again because of my assistance and involvement.

only recently i realized this is destroying me. it contributes to a great deal of my anxiety. i see everyone's perspective and i think that all opinions and feelings are of value. whether or not they are valid doesn't really matter to me. they are VALUABLE. why doesn't everyone else value them? why can't i make them?

yesterday was my brother's wedding. a day i wished for for years. i prayed he would find a wife for so long. he did. she is everything he needs. she fills every void he has and vice versa. i honestly think they are perfect for each other and for this reason i was exctatic about this day.

but it was also my worst nightmare. all these people in the same place that don't like each other. all these people that have all these opinions and feelings that are all valuable but don't coincide with each other. i am the common link. i love all of them!

it was hard but it was a victory. i didn't try to fix anything but my heart pounded as i anticipating the awkward interchanges and glares. instead of listening to people's opinions i planned on pretending to be occupied. surprisingly for the most part no one needed my help. the wedding was beautiful. i didn't do anything and nothing fell apart. everyone was mature and civil.

it definitely wasn't natural but for the most part i feel that it was a victory. then why do i feel so sad? i feel sad because i have been under a false impression that i can fix it. i have been wrong. i'm sad because i don't think it will every be fixed. i will be sad about this most likely for the rest of my life and i just now realized i can't do a damn thing about it. it will happen again with someone else i love. loss of relationship is sad and it is just a part of life.

it seems like my options now are cynicism or sacrificing myself to love that will only end in pain. i already did cynicism so i guess it's time for masochism.