running. alone. in the dark.

so yesterday i was running alone in the dark... yes i was desperate... the owl city mix on pandora is amazing and this song is on it... so there i was, running, in the rain, as fast as i could with this song blasting in my ears and tear streaming down my face... it hurts.

headway

this is so weird... i miss writing but i don't know what to say... i know people read my blog... people i love and people that hate me... i know they check often to glean ammunition against me... i want them to love me... i want them to forgive me and remember who i really am and that they love me... that i love them...

i do miss some people and many aspects of my old life. i still cry a lot...

but...

i'm happy... i'm doing the very best i know how... i'm proud of the headway i've made... i'm proud of my job, my place, my car... i'm proud that i did it myself... i'm not proud of my mistakes obviously, but i know what no one else really knows about my old life and i'm proud that i did what had to be done... the ultimate decision i am proud of... what got me there, not so much, but i got there...

i never wanted to be a single mom... no one does i guess... sometimes i double take and i can't believe that this is who i am... one mistake after another led me here... and these two children are the single best mistakes of my life... i am better because of them... i always tell gwen that she gave me the best present EVER when she made me a mommy... i want so bad to give them a wonderful life and a full future... in many ways i feel that i've ruined their lives with decisions i made before they were born... but all i know is that i am doing the very best i can with what i have now. it is impossible to express how much i love them... how my heart aches for them when i don't have them... how i grieve at what my mistakes have cost them...

i'm laying in bed aching to hold my babies... missing hearing their sweet breathing... tomorrow i will get to hold them... the hardest part about all of this is missing them...

starlet

it's hard to write publicly because i don't want to be dishonoring. you all will never know my side. not all of it. it's one of the reasons i've stayed away... one of the reasons i've avoided responding to all the loving gestures. i don't know what to say. it's too tempting to defend myself.

no one knows but us. not even hj completely. and no one will.

but i do have some thoughts that i've been formulating. thoughts i've gleaned from my own private writings. yes i do still write. thank you @http://thedonjon.wordpress.com/.

i've thought lately, perhaps i didn't hate my house. perhaps my grief was misplaced toward that whole other mess. maybe i hated my life in my home. maybe i was resentful about my situation and not god or ac or all the other drama i thought was the issue.

here's the thing... i'm not angry anymore. at all. it's actually a little weird how not-angry i am. when i take a step back sometimes i think that i should be a whole lot angrier. but i'm just sad. so deeply sad.

i'm not anxious anymore. part of it may be the fact that i actually feel like i have some say in my future now. i'm not stuck in the misery. i'm out.

this scene in mansfield park always struck such a chord in my heart:

"In my return back through the passage, I heard the same words repeated twice over; and, looking up, I saw it was a starling hung in a little cage. – “I can’t get out, – I can’t get out,” said the starling.

I stood looking at the bird: and to every person who came through the passage it ran fluttering to the side towards which they approach’d it, with the same lamentation of its captivity. “I can’t get out,” said the starling. – God help thee! said I, but I’ll let thee out, cost what it will; so I turned about the cage to get to the door: it was twisted and double twisted so fast with wire, there was no getting it open without pulling the cage to pieces. – I took both hands to it.

The bird flew to the place where I was attempting his deliverance, and thrusting his head through the trellis pressed his breast against it as if impatient. – I fear, poor creature! said I, I cannot set thee at liberty. – “No,” said the starling, - “I can’t get out – I can’t get out,” said the starling."

so i'm out. i'm free. but it hurts. oh so much. so very much. was it worth it? it was the only thing that could be done. if i could go back in time i would. i would change so much. and i can't. and now here i am. flying with a broken heart.



i ask someone wonderful, "how long will it hurt like this?" the answer, "it never won't hurt like this. the pain will just become normal. you will become accustomed to it." i love this answer. it is the case with true grief. it never goes away. it doesn't always feel the same because we adjust to that level of sadness. the loss of anything significant in our lives will always leave this gaping wound. it just won't always be so debilitating.

thankful

thank you all you wonderful women for continuing to encourage me and love me in-spite of myself. all the notes and love you continually send me blesses my shredded heart. here's to the ones that stuck around... Mary Gaddis Weber Kati Ayers Kari Hamilton Julie Marshall Faith Rocha King Mindy Meade Bethany Sobraske Beth McDermott Bethany Diane Payton Skylana Austin Erin Pasion Biermann Heather Morrell Daniella Martinez Indie

and to my sisters who are a part of me Jessenya Molfino Lorena Washington Nikki Valentine Marks Stephanie Sharp Molfino Kelli Kimball Marks and Carly M. Johnson Celeste Sargent

and of course Holly Patrice Jantzen... the best friend anyone could ever ask for.

I am surrounded by the best... i don't deserve all of you. today i am thankful.

it's like

sitting in the middle of the ocean... with no future... no past...

chasm of water. there is no way to get out of it. in desperation i have exhausted every resource and there is nothing. nothing i can do. i am lost. every possibility i turn to is a dead end.

this is pain. if i ever doubted what pain was before, now i know. it hurts. it aches. i have scrambled, i have coerced, i have clawed my way to try to get out of this pain for so long and it is all on top of me like a thousand pounds. and it now it covers me. i am submerged within it. i'm sinking in this pain. i am so deeply sad. and there is not one choice i could make to fix it. to fix it for me. for my family. for my sweet babies.

i have struggled with the desire to defend myself. if someone would just hear me... if they would know all the things no one told them.. if they saw the real, entire picture, maybe they wouldn't hate me. maybe they would still love me. maybe they wouldn't judge me. why won't you talk to me??! why won't you ask me what happened instead of hate me for something you know nothing about?

but i have held back. I have restrained the desire to defend and shed light on what would be dishonoring to someone else.

every night i fall asleep without my family and every night it hurts worse.

thank you again regina spektor "on the radio"

this is how it works

you’re young until you’re not
you love until you don’t
you try until you cant
you laugh until you cry
you cry until you laugh
and everyone must breath until their dying breath

this is how it works

you peer inside yourself
you take the things you like
and try to love the things you took
and then you take that love you made
and stick it into someone else’s heart
pumping someone else’s blood
and walkin arm in arm
you hope it doesn’t get hard
but even if it does
you’ll do it all again

free to go but not going

i have made a decision for no one else. no one is waiting for me. i am completely alone. free to go but not going.

how else will i become who i am? how else will i know what i believe? how else can i truly love someone until i can be ok without them?

i have done damage. i am damaged. broken. i am not proud of the decisions i have made and the way that this has all unfolded. right and wrong have been shady and confusing to me. my timing has all been off. my reality has adjusted daily... hourly.

today i have made a decision that i know is right. all along the decisions i made were either made because of what i wanted or because of what someone else wanted. i didn't make right decisions because i really didn't know what right was. i haven't believed what i was told. i resisted what i was told.

but i wasn't told this. i know this is right.

i am alone and it is a choice. and i'm happy with it. i am not happy, but i'm happy with the choice.

apparently

apparently i don't know how to block comments... oh well... thanks for all your thoughts...

readers

because so many of the people i love have such vastly different opinions and i don't wish to cause dissension with anyone, i am removing the comment feature for this specific post. this is a sensitive subject and doesn't just involve me. After discussing it with josh i will let him correct the apparent misunderstandings that have taken place if chooses to.

if anyone cares to hear what is going on in my life feel free to contact me. it shows me that you care enough to have an open mind apart from what you may have heard or what you may think is going on based on appearances. if not, i completely understand. no one owes me anything.

and then i was one

love isn't enough...

i wish i had a fix for myself that wasn't so dangerous. what is it that compels me?

and now... the thought of being alone... yes, it is empowering. i can feel all of my muted thoughts float to the surface of my mind instead of down where i pushed them so many times. it is exciting and terrifying. i feel as though i am at the cusp of what the rest of my life will look like. from this minute on i have decisions and will carve the rest of my future and the future of my sweet children. the stakes are higher now. the risks are riskier. i can feel the weight of this choice and what it means. all the possibilities... all the outcomes... what will it look like?

i married a wonderful man. i am proud that he is the father of my children. i am proud that we will continue to raise them together. i don't know what the end result of this separation will be... i would be honored to be a partner with him one day again. if we cannot then i am thankful for every minute i have had with him... even the hard ones because they made me better.

stuff

no seriously... about the jail thing, it makes me sick what people think constitutes "victimization". pathetic.



i haven't written for a while. well that's not true i guess. i have written a lot but you all haven't gotten to see it. so here's the shpeel... i'm not really gonna talk about detailed stuff on here... i'm just not ready... but here's a few thoughts anyways...

i've been struggling for years with what i believe. i feel like i've been in limbo for so long and life never lets up long enough for me to settle into anything solid for myself. i've known that i can't stay here forever. i fucking HATE limbo. it sucks.

however what i have been through hasn't been a complete waste because i have learned so much in last three years. even more in the last three weeks. this is what i have learned:

no matter how hard i try to change myself, i can't change everything...
no matter how hard i try to change someone else, i can't change anything...
everything i'm positive will work, might not...

EVERY SINGLE judgement that i have carried against someone in my life i have now struggled with myself. it has changed me. everything i thought i would never do and everything i thought i would never be, i have become. i have cast a lot of stones over the years and to those who were recipients, i am truly sorry.

my hope is that i will never EVER judge what someone does or their intentions again. i know now that things are not always as they appear and what looks so wrong and awful to everyone else may be the best thing. we never know what is really going on.


thanks to all you that love me. to everyone else, i don't know why you are on here, but thanks for reading.

and p.s. joshua parrish i love you.

26.2

Stealing from my fb comment because I really really mean it...

"I am a better person because of these two women. Thank you for helping me change my life; for pushing to keep going and for talking me through the decisions that brought me to yesterday. Even more for talking me through the decisions that brought me to today. Two very different days both equally hard, but both possible because of you. I will never be the same because of your positive influence on my life. I love you both from the bottom of my heart."

There is a whole lot more to stay about the marathon and about other stuff but I don't have the strength to write about the marathon and I don't think I'm ready or even sure if I want to share about the other stuff, so that's all you get for now... Thanks to all you friends and family for the well wishes and for caring about this milestone in my life.

wrote this 6 yrs ago... applies more today... except the last part should say "sometimes i know it won't".

I will survive. All alone with nothing but a steady pulse.
It was there all the time...

I drowned it out and welcomed flattery.
I listened to hollow words rather than that quiet stirring.
I followed faces I could touch and not the one I could only sense.
And all the while the pulse got quieter, the din grew louder and I didn't even realize I had sold the rare and priceless for what was cheap and easy.
The hard earned for what could immediately be attained. The best for the good. My birthright for a bowl of soup.

The pulse is not as strong as it once was. It's not as loud; not as vibrant; not as clear. Sometimes I wonder if it ever will be. Sometimes I know it will...

here's the thing

i've had some time to myself lately. it's been nice. ummmm let me put this differently. it has been one of the single best times of my life. i have been deeeeeeply relaxed. but here's the thing. i have been learning a few things about myself.

i have an anxiety problem. i knew that. you all knew that. DUH. but here i have been, in a coma of relaxation but still experiencing a small level anxiety about the stupidest things. so i've had time to analyze my thought processes and try to dissect why this is happening.

i get up and want to get showered and dressed so i can get my errands done. i try to quickly get through my errands. i try to get all the housework done. i do a wash even though it's not quite a full load because i want to get it done and then i won't have to do it later. i do mother's day shopping so it can be done and out of the way even though it would be nice to do it with my family. i don't enjoy any of this. i'm trying to just get it done.

so i have time to think. why? why am i trying to get it done? what is it i am trying to get this stuff done for? what would i rather be doing? is it so i can sit and watch my show? is it so i can read or take a bath? nope. because when i take a bath or read i'm just trying to get it done so i can just relax. but i never relax. not usually. even when i'm relaxing i'm making lists. thinking through how i can best get stuff done. how ridiculous. i can never get everything done!

i've never really allowed myself to process through all of this. i'm glad i did because i see how this affects my family. my husband feels like he is just a number on my list. my kids feel like i just can't wait to get them to bed. no one feels treasured. i do treasure them but i have such a hard time resting and living in the moment.

i want to stop being efficient. i want to stop making lists. i want to stop looking forward to the future nothings and start living in the present; regardless of how medial it is. i want more than anything for my husband and kids to feel loved and treasured by me. i love and treasure them more than anything in the world.

we're all in this together

it's been a lot of years since i've done serious traveling; the kind of traveling that changes a person; the kind that opens up the world, and unleashes perspective. sometimes it's easy to forget. sometimes when i'm so sad or so stressed or so exhausted with the minor difficulties in my own little life i forget. I forget what real suffering looks like. I forget what really matters.

this is my last entry from overseas 6/24/2004
"India passes before me. Here I sit all alone on a train traveling home. Am I going home or leaving it? I'm not so sure anymore. The little curtain that is keeping out the dozens of Indian stares keeps blowing open every time someone walks by. There are certain things I never want to forget. For instance, the endearing 'chai guy' who deems it his duty to announce what he sells at an ear-splitting volume both day and night at 10 minute intervals. No I don't want to forget him. I don't want to forget how good an air conditioning feels in 120 degree weather. I don't want to forget what a blessing filtered water is. I don't want to forget beautiful sunsets or the power of monsoon rains. I could forget sickness like I've never experienced, no privacy, millions of stares, and being followed daily. But no, it will all stay with me because I will remind myself. I will make myself remember.
The sky is beautiful. I think God pays special attention and reveals more of his beauty in the Indian sky because it is lacking everywhere else. As I sit here looking at it, I know I am so blessed. I'm blessed to have seen this sky and the filth under it. I know what really matters. I'm a changed person and not because of India but because of Jesus. Oh may I never forget! May nothing ever keep me from living; from truly living. I have my entire life ahead of me. I don't know what it looks like and it doesn't matter. I know now what really matters."



thank you http://williaminpismo.blogspot.com/

gross

i love this picture. i don't want to take away from the power behind it with my own words but i don't want my own words to be misinterpreted because i don't say them. i believe jesus is the way. jesus isn't my issue; it's people. whether i believe he is the only way doesn't mean i can dictate to others what they should believe and why MY interpretation of MY belief is correct.

many christians are just as morally depraved as people from every other religion that uses it's own belief system to manipulate and control people. there is absolutely no difference to me and i don't think there is to god either. gross.

i am so disgusted with some specific christians right now. when i was in india i was so disgusted with hindus for the exact same reason. christians and hindus and the rest of them, are people who have the potential for incredible selfishness, coercion, and evil. it is just awful what people do to each other.

there is nothing worse than when 'god,' (a version of god), is used to get what someone wants out of fearful, impressionable, and weak people. i feel myself shy away from their interpretation of scripture, and "words" that people have, because all of this is a PERSONAL BELIEF! scripture can be whatever you want it to mean and just because you can argue better than someone who is weaker doesn't mean you're right! gross. gross. gross.

b's

this post is for the two b's in my life. i am so thankful for you two. i crashed in on your parade and you never made me feel like the third wheel. you put up with my whining, and my speeding, my ranting, and have just loved me. you've called me to check up on me when i sounded 'not quite right'. you learned what 'not quite right' sounds like. there really couldn't be three more different people and yet for that reason, this little clan is a success. bethany, you take care of us and make sure we stay on track. it's so nice to trust you enough to lean on everything you've learned. but more than that, i'm blown away by your encouragement. it works! beth, your honesty is so refreshing. you are so real and transparent and it makes me feel like anything is possible. you are seriously inspirational to me. you give me hope for myself in more ways than running. the way we work together, defer to each other, and rally each other is such a beautiful thing. i don't think it's typical and i'm so thankful for it.

i love you girls.

personal best

today someone told me that i look really good for having had two kids... gee thanks... "for having two kids" i look great... maybe some people would take that as a compliment but i didn't... same reason i'm not flattered when someone says my hair looks good on a specific day... what's wrong with how i normally look?

it's not like this offends me or anything... i really couldn't care less... i'm happy with myself having had kids or not... i've worked really hard... i continue to work hard and hard work pays off... it pays off for all people differently... there are a lot of mommies that have a personal best that is much better than me and vice versa... it doesn't really matter because it's not about them... it's not about anyone else, and it's not even about comparing myself to the previous, pre-kids me... it's about me now, how i take care of myself, and how i feel.

i didn't start running to lose weight and i haven't lost any. i started running because i wanted to be a better me. i wanted to feel better and i wanted to push myself. this looks different for everyone but the effort is all that matters. to some people this looks like walking to the mail box every day and making a conscious effort to eat veggies... and i don't honestly think that my mileage and diet is any better than their effort if it is their personal best.

to be honest i'm super proud of myself and what i've accomplished. i want it for everyone else! not necessarily marathon running but whatever it is that makes them better.



p.s. i'm having a really hard time keeping my chin up and i got sad news today that topped everything off... there is only one thing i know for sure right now and that's my mileage schedule...

fat free?

i don't get the fat free thing... lite and margarine and no whip blah blah... i eat red meat and vitamin D milk and full fat everything... i have tried the fat free thing and realized a few things. it generally has quite a bit more sugar to make up for the fact that it tastes crappy... and also, it just doesn't satisfy... i would rather have one yogurt than need five yoplait fat free extra skinny yogurts to feel full...

now i'm not gonna drink bacon grease or anything but when i think healthy i don't think non-fat. i'm proud of how many vegetables and fruit my household goes through in a week. two full drawers of veggies and one big bowl of fruit. my kids have never eaten mcdonalds or taco bell. that's just gross. but they also eat plenty of butter, milk, and meat and i don't want that to change.

so i'm not a fat free fan unless it is a cholesterol problem... which makes sense...

i'm sure there are many sides to this issue and i'd like to hear them...

ok please discuss...

i did it

the day before my six week running anniversary i ran a half marathon. i ran it it 2H 11M. i averaged 10 miles per hour which i am hugely proud of because the ENTIRE thing was mountainous hills. really unbelievably STEEP hills.

haha couch to half marathon in six weeks. i was ok after except my stomach hurt really bad and my knees got soooo swollen. josh had to carry me downstairs and give me an epsom salt bath when i got home. then he iced my knees on and off the entire evening. the next day i was back to normal... ready to run again.

i know it probably seems stupid to hold up my half marathon as one of the biggest days of my life. but it's not the actual run or the actual day that means so much. it is what it represents. last year was one of the hardest years of my life. personally i was so stuck in my muck and depression and hormones. i was sinking in tar. i didn't let josh help me; i didn't communicate to him what i needed. i hardly got up off the couch and when i left the house it was only because i absolutely HAD to.

so i started running after trying to for so long. beth and bethany inspired me and encouraged me and were true friends. it was hard. so miserable. beginning running sucks. josh made every effort to give me time to run and stretch with me and make sure i kept with it. i felt selfish at first that i was taking so much time for something all about me. but he spoke so positively about it that i started to get over that. i intended to run in may but this came up and i thought i would give it a shot.

so running on that day mile after mile (6 more than i had ever run), meant the world to me. it meant all my hours upon hours of training paid off. it meant all the support i got paid off. it meant i really am capable of completing and excelling in my life even when the obstacles are extremely difficult. i cried when i finished. i couldn't believe it.

i also learned something about my relationship with josh. i ask him not to come to the race because i didn't think i would be able to finish and i didn't want my failure recognized. i didn't believe in myself but i also didn't let him believe in me. the day of the race i was so nervous and he was just hugging me and telling me i could do it. when i was done i needed him because i could hardly walk and he took such good care of me. i realized that i'm not usually vulnerable enough with him to let him see me fail or succeed and to let him take care of me either way. i was sad he wasn't there, but i'm glad that it happened because i learned something about myself and about him. josh doesn't need me to succeed for him to value me or be proud of me. i don't need him to either. that wouldn't be a real relationship. we are supposed to support and love each other regardless if we fail or succeed. i haven't been letting him support me and it's scary but i'm going to change that.

so, running is awesome and it's changed my life in so many ways. and now with my husband's support, and my trusty running friends, i'm going to start training for a full marathon. ahhhh i can't believe i just typed that!!!



nerves before




trying to figure out how to put on that thing... haha this was my first race...




go team go!





before





after... FREEZING and pretty pooped... actually bethany looks like she barely broke a sweat. me and beth had had it...

frickin frick

i'm so tired of reading and hearing about people's problems with other people... the ones i love... why the hell does everyone think that they are right? why do they think that when things go wrong, that their perspective is the correct one? there is is self satisfaction i hear and see in almost every single person that has been apart of all this mess... all the messes that have surrounded and clouded my life...

i'm angry right now and annoyed, but more than anything i'm super hurt because i just wish more than anything that everyone would STOP!

you don't get to decide who was wrong or what was bad or good... you get decide what is right and wrong for you and then you get to keep your mouth shut about everything else. please stop... please please please...

right with god

in a stupid heated discussion in which i was mostly in the wrong, the other person told me i wasn't right with god. they kind of threw it in there and i honestly didn't think twice about it because i just assumed they were right. it wasn't till the next day that i thought, "!?!?!!?!?!?".

i wouldn't go so far as to go out of my way to declare that i am right with god. i mean who knows but how could someone else possibly judge that about me?

because i question? because i'm searching? because i'm actually honest about it? these things don't make me "un-right" with god. in fact i would go so far as to say that i'm way "righter" than i think i've ever been and way "righter" than many people who look like they are "ultra-right"

it is frustrating that i cannot seem to get across that my questioning is not coming from a place of rebellion. and i'm not questioning god himself. at all. i'm questioning who the christian culture says he is and what it requires of it's followers. i guess i don't really care if you, or whoever thinks i am right with god because that is the stupidest, vaguest, most ominous description anyways. there is no way to hold a ruler to what it actually means and it is subject to each person's interpretation; which sort of leaves god out of it. like many things that christians say, accept and don't question.

but what actually pricks my heart about it is that god might actually think that i am not right with him. after wrestling with this today i don't think he does. i don't know. i'm really not sure. but that would be sad because when all is said and done, and it is just him and i, i want him to be proud of me. i want him love where i am at and what i have done with what i have been given.

beautiful

i love this picture... it speaks to me... what does it say to you?



ok so last night i was much to tired to comment on my own blog pic but i still just had to put it up.

this is my take: a woman in the water who seems to be surviving the aftermath of a storm. from the bottom of her face you can tell she is calm and from her body posturing, you can tell that she is poised. this means to me she is ready and prepared. there are streams of light shining through dark clouds but there is also patches of blue sky behind them. I think the most powerful part of this picture is the umbrella. it is a striking contrast to the serenity of the overall feeling.

running

anyone tired of reading blogs about running? it's funny because a lot of us know each other and read one another's blogs so everyone might be sick of it. but oh well because i can't help it.

so i signed up for the 1/2 marathon in may... it overwhelms me because i could hardly get up to get my brownie a little while ago... but i'm plugging away and have amazing inspirational friends that have paved a little highway for me.

after gabe was born i was so desperate to not get pregnant that i had the "shot"... it was the only thing that i felt would truly protect me from the horror of another pregnancy in my state. so it ruined me. i wish i would have researched and done my homework. bottom line is i became so incredibly depressed, tired, and miserable. i hated everyone and everything. plus gabe was up every two hours for the first eight months so i hardly slept. PLUS josh got laid off and the other unnamed drama was still going strong. it was a horrible time of my life. i got so incredibly addicted to sugar and caffeine. i got skinny but could hardly get my kids in the car without getting out of breath. i'm not exaggerating. caffeine kept me going and sugar made me not hungry. i didn't care to change because i was so depressed.

so i figured out what the problem was. a naturalist gave me supplements to help get the shot out of my system (it took over a year), and a therapist told me to start exercising. so i went back to karate. it was hard but i began to feel alive again. i decided i wanted to get my black belt and start trying to get into the nursing program. i guess i decided to come back to life. well to get my black belt i knew i would have to get in better shape and it was daunting. since my chemistry class is on karate nights i thought i would start running to prepare for the test later in the year.

so the running (consistently) started about a month ago. it was like death. seriously horrrrrrible. when i was in india i ran because i got fat, but it was never as hard as the first recent week was. but then all my hero friends encouraged me and i couldn't stop. i guess that's not saying much since it's only been four weeks but i can feel my body and myself coming back.

this sounds stupid i guess but i'm noticing differences in every area of my life. i'm cleaning significantly less. i can actually sit still and let my kids make a mess. (as long as the mess is contained haha.) i have glimpses of peace. and more than anything, i feel inspired as to my own potential and the potential of my family. we are capable of whatever we set out to do.

i'm willing to say now that the misery just may have been worth it if this is a glimpse of the person i can be.

i am doubting my own ability to pull this 13.1 miles off so soon. especially coming from where i was. but i ran five miles this morning when i couldn't run .25 two months ago. i will give it everything i am. when the semester is over i'm sure all of this running will help me in training for my shodan.

i'm inspired by everyone around me. by the people that set out on difficult and insanely hard goals and accomplish them. i'm inspired my husband for seeing me through this horrible time and for still having such love for me. i'm inspired my kids for their sweetness and endless forgiveness of my impatience. and i'm inspired by my self. i know i'm capable.

my identity is not specifically being a wife or mother or a student or a runner. my identity is all the facets of my life that contribute to who i am. yes, my family. yes, my running and karate. yes, my educational goals and music. it's all part of who i am. there is much of me i have yet to discover. i just lost me for a while but it's back. i'll lose it again i'm sure. that's just life. for the time being i'm feeling very blessed to have come out of the valley that i was in.


wooohooo for running!!! woohooo for everyone that loves me and supports me... big thank you... <3

breaking heart

watching all these people in pain. i have cried a lot the last few days on not one tear was for me. it's weird. i mean i want to have a heart and be sensitive but i'm seriously hurting. it's painful to care. now i remember why i tried so hard to be tough and distance myself from grief... from people grieving. i know now that i could never be a councilor or or a social worker or anything like that. i'm just consumed with the desire to fix it and change things and i can't rest or sleep. i'm too busy being sad for everyone. it's ridiculous.

especially the kids. i don't cry until i start thinking about the kids. in all the scenarios i am faced with in my life, the kids are what breaks my heart the most. the kids in haite; the kids of my friends; the kids that i pass by that looked unloved or uncared for. even my own kids. the pain these children have experienced and even worse... the pain they will experience. there is nothing i can do. i can't stop it. it's so sad.

jesus must be so sad a lot.

but i'm glad i feel. even though it hurts and sometimes i don't know what to do with it, i'm glad the pain is there. it means i'm alive.

oh and please god be with the kids.

sponge vs dish cloth

VS








so here is something i'm passionate about... haha...

hell, i'm already worked up and i haven't even hardly started the post yet. ok, there are two kinds of people in the world. the dish sponge people and the right people. apparently the dish sponge people are winning because almost everyone has them and i just don't get it. here is why sponges are disgusting and ridiculous:

they are a harbor for bacteria. the wet moisture just sits and sits with all the nastiness that you "cleaned" imbedded in the cracks and crevices . they stink within a matter of days but most people keep on rinsing them (adding to the moisture problem), and continue to use them. think about the wide variety of things we wipe off of the counter. juice, coffee, rotten food, (or things that become rotten in the sponge), raw meat and it's juices, milk.... etc. GROSS

so the really super determined sponge users think that the microwave is going to fix all of these problems. the smell that comes from the microwave when it is "disinfecting", is enough to tell you that that monstrosity needs to be thrown away. why are we trying to save this gross rectangular germisode? sick sick sick.

ok so apart from the disgustingness, lets discuss the in-practicality of the sponge. the amount of swipes it takes to clean a counter with this little thing is exponentially greater than it is with a dish cloth. my arm gets tired wiping with a sponge... really. (this could have to do with just being out of shape but you get where i'm going.) the dish cloth is bigger and does so much more. with two hands you can manuever that baby and clean so much more efficiently. you can rinse it out completely and wring the water out. then you simply place it over the faucet to dry and it actual does; unlike the sponge that sits in a puddle of wetness. plus after two days or so, you throw the cloth in the wash and get a fresh one out. pretty simple.

and when you try to wash dishes with the sponge, your hands get burnt by the hot water because they have to actually be on the dish. there is no space between you and what you are washing. stupid. isn't this a MUCH better and somewhat obvious choice:



so there are my reasons against sponges and for dish cloths/brushes. now give me yours. which of you are sponge users and most importantly WHY???!?!?!?!? as with everything in my life i'm going to try to keep an open mind.

rush of blood to my head

i'm not sure... of anything spiritual... except jesus... i'm just not sure... this is so annoying. i'm tired of being in this place of 'not sure'. i'm such a passionate person; full of conviction... definitely not the passive type. definitely not the even keel, go with the flow type. definitely not...

"i'm gonna buy a gun and start a war... if you give me something worth fighting for." that's me. i'll die for it; whatever it is. i'll i give my blood and sweat to protect it. just tell me what the fuck it is.

but i'm not gonna believe you if you tell me. i'm still not gonna be sure. it's not rebellion. maybe it used to be. but i would welcome rebellion right now. at least it would be passionate. even if it was wrong it would be full of drive and life. but it's not. it's just 'not sure'.

this last year i've become willing; willing to believe that truth might be what i thought it was. i certainly don't believe it is, but i'm willing to think it might be. and once again like i've said a million times, at this point it's only jesus i believe in; and only because he's the best for me. if it's all a hoax then who cares? the hoax works for me. other than that what is there?

but i'm ready for more. i'm ready to believe in more and fight for more. i just need to know what more is.

music again

today i pulled out my guitar. it's been a while. it was nice to hold her again.

before i got married i wrote a song that i really loved but didn't quite understand. every other time i had written a song it fit into my life somehow. this song was random and i couldn't really place it. i haven't written one since. there were a lot of years where i lost all sense of creativity and passion.

well, when i played my song today it made me cry. it fit. i wrote it for now but i just didn't know it then. i'm not really big on believing in gods involvement in such small matters. i could be wrong of course, but it's hard for me to believe in it because of all the suffering in the world. when there are countless hungry and hurting, children and families, it is hard for me to think that god gave me this song. in spite of this skepticism, i felt an incredible sense of gratitude that my song touched me after all these years. it feels more like a prophecy and is so applicable to me today.

i'm slowly coming back and and as i do so, i am hit again and again how much music ministers to me. coming back isn't easy. sometimes i feel like it gets much worse and sometimes i'm not even sure if i am getting better. i'm not sure about this or much else, but there are glimpses here and there of beauty.

karate

ok let's be clear... i never said that my new years resolution was dorky... i said that i think making them is sort of dorky... and then i made one... which is to get my black belt. that's what happens on facebook haha. lots of misunderstandings...

i could never think getting my black belt is dorky. karate is such a part of who i am. i've been training since my family broke up. that was like fifteen years ago? i think my parents wanted to get me in something to distract me and help my coordination or something. it did both for sure.

so there have been a lot of distractions over the years. i've had to take breaks for various reasons. but i've had amazing teachers who have believed in me and have taught me so much about karate as well as a different way of thinking. before i went to india i was supposed to test for shodan (black), and i didn't. then i was overseas for a couple years on and off. then i got married and had babies. finally last year i went back and it was hard to stay consistent because of school but i decided i just have to do it. it's been so long and after all this time and effort i HAVE to.

a quick soapbox for my lady readers... every woman should know how to defend herself. even if she never has to use it, it becomes a part of her confidence and who she is. LEARN HOW.