it's like

sitting in the middle of the ocean... with no future... no past...

chasm of water. there is no way to get out of it. in desperation i have exhausted every resource and there is nothing. nothing i can do. i am lost. every possibility i turn to is a dead end.

this is pain. if i ever doubted what pain was before, now i know. it hurts. it aches. i have scrambled, i have coerced, i have clawed my way to try to get out of this pain for so long and it is all on top of me like a thousand pounds. and it now it covers me. i am submerged within it. i'm sinking in this pain. i am so deeply sad. and there is not one choice i could make to fix it. to fix it for me. for my family. for my sweet babies.

i have struggled with the desire to defend myself. if someone would just hear me... if they would know all the things no one told them.. if they saw the real, entire picture, maybe they wouldn't hate me. maybe they would still love me. maybe they wouldn't judge me. why won't you talk to me??! why won't you ask me what happened instead of hate me for something you know nothing about?

but i have held back. I have restrained the desire to defend and shed light on what would be dishonoring to someone else.

every night i fall asleep without my family and every night it hurts worse.