i don't want to be god

i have never questioned the existence of god. ever. for the first time this week after being terribly disappointed in people once again i felt myself clinging onto to my idea of jesus. this familiar situation brought the very new thought that perhaps this jesus and my relationship with him is fabricated by my own need to have something to hope in.

perhaps the desperation that i would experience without this jesus is the only reason i want him. maybe i don't really want him. maybe i just don't want NOT him. what this world looks like without him is so dark and bleak that i can't accept it. it is easier for me to believe in him than not. people have and will continue to disappoint me, and what jesus represents to me is unfailing love, loyalty, and constancy. but i have created almost an idol of jesus and who he is that may not even be him. is it him i want or just something to fix this pain?

it has been about a week of this. today in church it hit me. i honestly don't even remember what church was about, but something that was said clicked in my mind.

we are born to worship something. it is innate. we have to have a god and if it isn't jesus or allah, or whatever, then it's us. we then begin to believe and trust ourselves. we become god. and if this works for some people, then ok, but it doesn't work for me. i become a horrible person when i am god.

let's say god doesn't exist. let say that jesus is not who i have believed him to be. all i know is that the person i am without him is miserable, depressed, and self centered. i am full of fear and anxiety. i want things i don't want to want. but jesus changes me. i haven't seen dead people raised to life. but i have seen my own heart completely soften and change when i thought it was impossible. i've seen myself be able to love and accept things that i was unable to without him. in my life i have attributed peace only through him and believe me, i have looked for it other places.

this sounds self centered, but all i can know is who he makes me; how he affects me; who i am because of him. even if it is all fabricated, then he is the only fabrication that works for me. if something or someone else does this for other people, that is not really my business. for me jesus is the only way.