This is 37

My experience as a human, as with many people I'm sure, feels as though I am watching a poorly scripted movie in which the star is fumbling through life, unprepared for what hits and frantically tries  to recover and be better equipped for the next hurdle.  Many times I feel defeated by daily challenges in being a mother, a nurse, a friend,and a partner.  I struggle being proud of where I am because it never feels good enough. It hit me recently that all my hopes and dreams that I wanted for my life ten years ago, I now have.  I worked very hard for these things, and now I have made new goals.  I look at the world I have set up, and I realize I like my job; I like who I am; I like the people in my life.  

We played a game a few days ago in which the question was posed, "If every career paid the same, what would be your dream job?"  I realized that it is what I do now.  It was an important realization for me.  It occurred to me that I am happy.  Furthermore it occurred to me that I am allowed to be happy.  I don't need to create problems, discontent, or drama to sabotage this.  I am happy.  

Just like everyone, I have been very hurt over the years. I have been rejected, betrayed, experienced excruciating heartache and have had enormous setbacks.  I have pushed through obstacles and pain.  I have made difficult decisions.  I have been wrong many times.  I feel that I have lived many lives seeing as the core of who I am and what I believed ten years ago, is now is embarrassing to me.  I can't believe the fairy tales I used to hold to as divine truth to make up for my lack of belief in myself, in science, and in critical thinking. I'm sure in ten years I'll say the same thing about some things I believe now.  I am learning and growing always.  But I do think I have come into my place finally.  I know what I believe.  I know who I am.  I know what legacy I want to leave.  I know this is all temporary.  I know I have one life and I believe this is my only chance.

I did something this year that was scary, that cost me time with my loved ones, my kids, and that ultimately cost me emotionally and financially, but was life altering.  It is something that renewed my fire to make a difference in people that are sick and hurting.  This is the reason I went to live in India 18 years ago.  I wanted to impact the world in some small way.  Although my way of going about it was flawed and fruitless at the time, the motive was the same.  My goal was the same.  I am thankful to have a career now that enables me to go into scary places and do the things that I believe really matter.  

So I am still here; still fumbling; still learning; still seeking.  And weirdly; now happy.