“And everything that I said I’d do, like make the world brand new and take the time for you, I just got lost and slept right through the dawn. And the world spins madly on.”
We see a lot of things most people don’t. I still think I am so lucky to have the job I do. I work with the very best people. We rely on each other in a unique way because the stakes are so high. It’s a weird job. We see a lot of weird shit; funny shit; and a great deal of sad shit. We get to be a part of moments that matter to people. Sometimes I feel underneath the water of the suffering and grief; not all the time, or even most of the time, but sometimes. Most days we work; we laugh; we chat with each other and our patients, and we live perfectly normal days that we will forget. We do our tasks, people get better, or don’t, and then we go home, make dinner, watch Netflix, and go to sleep. But some days we do all these things and it’s different.
This week was one of those that was different. I don’t know what made it especially hard or stand apart from other days, except that I gave it everything I had, and it wasn’t enough. I hate that feeling. I remember several times in my time as a nurse that I have felt like I failed my patients. Most of these times were during Covid. I remember their names. I remember those last moments with them. I remember despite what limited time I had, my refusal, to let anyone die alone. A lot of us have this commitment to our patients. It’s important.
In this job, we have a glimpse into the end that other people don’t. Sometimes I watch myself going through these motions and wondering if I am watching my own future death, my loved one’s suffering, my child’s possible future diagnosis. Those moments that are just another day at work for me, are the days that matters for them; the one they will always remember, or the day that they won’t, because it’s over. And here’s the thing; that day is coming for me; it’s coming for all of us.
I held my babies a little tighter this week even though they didn’t really appreciate it, or understand why. When I could I cried, and let myself feel all the things, because in my mind the thing that is worse than being too emotional and feeling too much, is getting to the place where I’ve built up a wall and feel nothing anymore. I don’t want to be that person, even if it means I hurt a little more.
Here we go living our lives, going grocery shopping, writing emails, performing tasks, and all the while “this world spins madly on”. It does this with or without us. Why is everyone walking around like they have forever? “Don’t let the day go by, always say goodbye, watch the stars from your windowsill. The whole world is moving, and I’m standing still”.
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