thank you again regina spektor "on the radio"

this is how it works

you’re young until you’re not
you love until you don’t
you try until you cant
you laugh until you cry
you cry until you laugh
and everyone must breath until their dying breath

this is how it works

you peer inside yourself
you take the things you like
and try to love the things you took
and then you take that love you made
and stick it into someone else’s heart
pumping someone else’s blood
and walkin arm in arm
you hope it doesn’t get hard
but even if it does
you’ll do it all again

free to go but not going

i have made a decision for no one else. no one is waiting for me. i am completely alone. free to go but not going.

how else will i become who i am? how else will i know what i believe? how else can i truly love someone until i can be ok without them?

i have done damage. i am damaged. broken. i am not proud of the decisions i have made and the way that this has all unfolded. right and wrong have been shady and confusing to me. my timing has all been off. my reality has adjusted daily... hourly.

today i have made a decision that i know is right. all along the decisions i made were either made because of what i wanted or because of what someone else wanted. i didn't make right decisions because i really didn't know what right was. i haven't believed what i was told. i resisted what i was told.

but i wasn't told this. i know this is right.

i am alone and it is a choice. and i'm happy with it. i am not happy, but i'm happy with the choice.

apparently

apparently i don't know how to block comments... oh well... thanks for all your thoughts...

readers

because so many of the people i love have such vastly different opinions and i don't wish to cause dissension with anyone, i am removing the comment feature for this specific post. this is a sensitive subject and doesn't just involve me. After discussing it with josh i will let him correct the apparent misunderstandings that have taken place if chooses to.

if anyone cares to hear what is going on in my life feel free to contact me. it shows me that you care enough to have an open mind apart from what you may have heard or what you may think is going on based on appearances. if not, i completely understand. no one owes me anything.

and then i was one

love isn't enough...

i wish i had a fix for myself that wasn't so dangerous. what is it that compels me?

and now... the thought of being alone... yes, it is empowering. i can feel all of my muted thoughts float to the surface of my mind instead of down where i pushed them so many times. it is exciting and terrifying. i feel as though i am at the cusp of what the rest of my life will look like. from this minute on i have decisions and will carve the rest of my future and the future of my sweet children. the stakes are higher now. the risks are riskier. i can feel the weight of this choice and what it means. all the possibilities... all the outcomes... what will it look like?

i married a wonderful man. i am proud that he is the father of my children. i am proud that we will continue to raise them together. i don't know what the end result of this separation will be... i would be honored to be a partner with him one day again. if we cannot then i am thankful for every minute i have had with him... even the hard ones because they made me better.

stuff

no seriously... about the jail thing, it makes me sick what people think constitutes "victimization". pathetic.



i haven't written for a while. well that's not true i guess. i have written a lot but you all haven't gotten to see it. so here's the shpeel... i'm not really gonna talk about detailed stuff on here... i'm just not ready... but here's a few thoughts anyways...

i've been struggling for years with what i believe. i feel like i've been in limbo for so long and life never lets up long enough for me to settle into anything solid for myself. i've known that i can't stay here forever. i fucking HATE limbo. it sucks.

however what i have been through hasn't been a complete waste because i have learned so much in last three years. even more in the last three weeks. this is what i have learned:

no matter how hard i try to change myself, i can't change everything...
no matter how hard i try to change someone else, i can't change anything...
everything i'm positive will work, might not...

EVERY SINGLE judgement that i have carried against someone in my life i have now struggled with myself. it has changed me. everything i thought i would never do and everything i thought i would never be, i have become. i have cast a lot of stones over the years and to those who were recipients, i am truly sorry.

my hope is that i will never EVER judge what someone does or their intentions again. i know now that things are not always as they appear and what looks so wrong and awful to everyone else may be the best thing. we never know what is really going on.


thanks to all you that love me. to everyone else, i don't know why you are on here, but thanks for reading.

and p.s. joshua parrish i love you.