weird

to you who are not talking to me but reading my blog... (we both know who you are), it's weird...

just talk to me!!! a nice talk (or even a hard talk) could bring closure to what was a negative situation...

just contact me... this is so dumb.

best christmas ever

on another note:

i enjoyed my sweet little family so much for christmas. i know that finding my own song has to do with them. they are my future. i am responsible for shaping these precious little lives and this makes me so blessed.

gwen is doing and saying so many hilarious things. she gets really territorial and fights with gabe a lot for attention from people she loves. we were going over to my uncle jim and aunt rita's house and gwen is in the car explaining to gabe that he is her uncle. i told her that that isn't true. "gwen, he is both of your uncles." she looked at me like i was crazy and said, "mummy there isn't two uncle jims!" she is so full of life and spunk. i love every little thing about her.


gwen reading to us.

gabe is going through this phase where he is obsessed with his shoes and socks. he is constantly talking about his socks and every other word of gibberish has something to do with them. if someone takes off their shoes he gets very concerned and brings them to the person immediately so they will put them back on. he is such a little thinker. he analyzes and figures everything out. he is calm most of the time but ohhh so determined and stubborn when he sets himself on something. his little voice is the cutest thing i've every heard.


new shoes.


these little guys made christmas magical. watching them experience it was the very best part. i took down decorations yesterday and gwen told me that she wants it to be christmas all the time. haha i guess i do too.

oh ya... and the husband ;)

finding my song again

sometimes i don't have words...

sometimes someone else much more talented and gifted wrote them for me...

sometimes i feel like i'm getting better and then all of the sudden i'm grieving again... loss. loss. loss.





listen to this song like you've never listened to it. the commonality can take away the magic. pretend it isn't mainstream and hear it with you heart. it's musically genius when no matter who you are you can relate to the story the song is telling. i think most people could if they really listened.

what used to be natural and pure and sweet is now tired and worn. it drags and all the absolutes that i used to base my beliefs on are gone. all the people i trusted implicitly disappointed me. they hurt me and then when they were done hurting me, they hurt me again. my family slipped away. twice. yes, it used to be so easy; so sweet; but i can't remember. i can't feel it anymore.

tomorrow i will get up again and begin. and when i slip again, i'll begin again. i'll never stop trying to find my song again.

choose happiness?

really?

i got into an interesting conversation with someone today regarding "happiness". i'm curious to learn what my readers think about this. is happiness a choice? if we think happy, choose happy, and send out happiness into the universe will we be happy? i know a lot of people think this so i'm curious to know the reasoning behind it.

i don't seek happiness. i couldn't care less about it. it is so fleeting and seems sort of shallow. i'd like to have peace contentment though. but i don't think that these things are choices either. my thinking is that wherever we are is where we need to be. not that we need to be stuck, but we need to be honest. if we choose to be something that we aren't, we are just lying to ourselves. ten steps down the road i'd like to have more peace but that doesn't mean i think i can choose it now. i'd like to make choices that facilitate peace but i honestly don't think i can outright make a choice to be peaceful. it's not that simple.

whether someone believes that these things come from god, or that they come from our own conquering of negative energy, i do believe that they are attainable... attainable through honesty and certain principles... if i wake up tomorrow and i'm miserable, i am NOT going to try not to be miserable. i'm gonna be miserable. i'm gonna try to figure out why. i'm gonna make choices that may or may not help my miserableness.

haven't we all met people that are exuding this crazy, bizarre, fake, happiness? this is what i mean:


SCARY

i guess my main problem is people that are trying to be better, less fearful, less angry and more happy. it's commendable to seek to be a better person but to do it as facade for how they are really feeling is just postponing true health. what do you guys think about this?

my dear sweet husband

this is picture on the way to vegas... 9/09





this entry is for my husband... today i took my final for my anatomy class... anyone who knows me knows that this class has kicked my ass. it has been my first class for six years. i had an F for the first half of the semester. many times i was gonna quit... many times josh encouraged me. three nights a week he took care of the kids and everything else so i could study. he quized me for hours on end before tests. he rallied me. i thought i was barely gonna pass this class. tonight was my final and i got a B. i got a B in the whole class! i started crying when i found out. i know i have a long haul for this degree but the way that my husband has been there for me has given me so much hope for the my future in school. thank you babe. i love you so much.

homesick

don't mind the portuguese subtitles...






this perfectly depicts family to me.

running in the grocery store

i always run into people in the grocery store; sort of a lot. a lot of times i'm ducking down aisles to avoid seeing them. it's really annoying. i'm not the kind of person to run from anything really, but i run from these people because i don't really like them and i just plain don't want to see them.

i'm sure the feeling is mutual and they don't like me very much either. maybe some of them hate me. in my previous 'post-current me' perspective i pretty much thought they were douche-bags and couldn't care less. now i don't think that they are douche-bags. i think they are human beings with a valid perspective. so much of the turmoil in many of my relationships has nothing to do with me anyway. it just has to do with people close to me. but there are still things i have done that i am not proud of. i want to make things right. not because i want them to stop hating me. i really don't care about that. i just think it's the right thing to do.

so this has been bugging me. i don't want there to be anyone in my life that i run from in the grocery store; anyone that i haven't apologized to or made an effort with. now i know that i don't literally have to run from them, but the inclination to avoid is what i don't like. if there is anything that i can do to make things right, i want to do it.

my first attempt landed me on my ass.

i started with the first person i think i seriously wronged. i haven't seen them for ten odd years. it went terrible. now if i saw them in the grocery store i would bolt like lightning. it makes me sad because my intentions were to mend a bridge and i totally blew it to smithereens. but i tried and that's that.

i'm not gonna try to be friends with everyone or trust everyone. that's not what i'm talking about. i'm talking about making peace; saying apologies that need to be said and moving on. i know i probably won't be able to live at peace with everyone. but i certainly am going to try.

a christian who says the f word

someone today emailed me and ask me to refrain from cursing on other people's comments on facebook. this person isn't my friend in real life or on facebook but we have some mutual friends.

anyways, my initial feeling was "f you". you all will be proud of me because i didn't say that. (well most of you; a few are probably disappointed.)

it seriously surprises me that people think that this is a problem. i mean i can see if there are kids involved, or even if the word is said in person. but on someone's fb page? like, what is going to happen to you when you read it? will it make you stumble? i really don't get it. but there are probably a lot of people that are offended by it and as much as i like to stir things up and cause controversy, i truly don't want to offend anyone.

anyway, i told this person that i would respect their wishes. they ask if i was a professing christian. i'm assuming to explain how i shouldn't talk like that because the bible says so or something. when i was faced with that question i really didn't know how to respond. i love jesus! i love him so much. only because of my own life and my own experience. i don't know what is right for everyone else. i definitely want to find more of him. i even want to submit to other people i trust and learn more of why and what i believe. but i'm so hesitant to say i'm a christian because of the wide scope of possibilities that this could mean.

i'm still saying i'm a christian because i am. it's stupid to say that i'm not just because of what this could mean to someone else. i should only make a profession for or against christianity for me and god, regardless of anyone else. and despite the cringing inside of me at the thought of all the things that "christian" could mean, it means something beautiful to me. it means jesus is my hero; that i want to be like him... not who everyone else thinks he is but who i believe he is.

anyways, so i'm a christian who says the f word.

fireflies

certain songs bring me back from death... death meaning the lack of life, true passion and drive...

the power behind the arts is amazing... humans are such deep creatures; so deeply faceted. so much in us cannot be expressed through simple living. this is not a plain cookie cutter black and white reality. the absolutes are fuzzy and no one is really right. music is the only thing that can express and touch without validity or proof. it just does and is and no one can prove it or explain it.

what does this ridiculous song mean to you? perhaps it is just stupid gibberish. but not to me. it lightens my grey nothingness. i see yellow specks within my shadows and they are full of spunk and flames. often when i am hiding and sinking, i withdraw from everything including music and art. but it always finds me. i can't stay away. it draws me out and forces me to grieve so i can move on. facing music is like facing everything i'm trying to push down and avoid. i hear it and immediately cry. and then for some reason it's beautiful but i can't explain it.

thank you owl city for fireflies.

christmas

most of you know my christmas background. it's not much. we never celebrated it when i was a kid. and that's fine. thanksgiving was awesome; it was just like christmas is except not pretending it's jesus' birthday.

it's not his birthday. it's just a holiday that has no origins in jesus and christianity. it annoys me that people try to make it about him. back in the day constantine did and now we still are. people just mix and mesh god and jesus in all of their holidays and i don't get why. worship jesus and have your holidays. don't give jesus a fake birthday.

don't get me wrong, i like christmas. i think i may be starting to love it. my kids are like little versions of me experiencing this holiday. we are both newbies at it. it a time to create special memories and we are making some already. it's nice that christmas is so special to josh and he is helping me figure it all out.

but this year i'm gonna celebrate christmas. i'm gonna celebrate this time with my family. i'm gonna be thankful to my version of who god is. but i'm certainly not going to make this holiday about jesus' birthday.