something happened. i can't really tie it to one specific incident but it was about three weeks ago when it all came crashing down. worse. much worse. the panic attacks were (are) almost violent. i truly feel that i may be having a heart-attack when it happens. the worst part is the inability to breath. the constriction of my lungs makes it feel like i have asthma or something. i don't. i can't sleep. i lay there feeling my heart beating a million beats a minute. listening to the sound of my husband breathing. my kids breathing. counting their breaths. hearing every rustle outside. every creak inside.
wine is the only thing that remotely relaxes me. i don't like that. i don't like needing something to function (or not function). i don't even like needing deodorant to not stink much less a substance to allow me to sleep.
i have always felt that medication is a cop-out. a surrender to something negative that could be solved with hard work and endurance. i have felt that it postpones the problem instead of fixing it. it creates other problems instead of solving the one. i don't even like taking tylenol. since i was very young i refused vaccines and even cough syrup. i don't want to need anything.
so now i am a mother. i am responsible for these little lives. i watch gwen react to my panic and try to compensate. i watch her stress level go up. i watch her compulsively clean because she sees me do it. my heart is breaking because my stupid pathetic problem is hurting her.
today josh told me it may be time to talk about it. not to take it. just to talk about it. my therapist said that i'm getting down to some hard things and it may get worse before it gets better. she was right but i really don't think i can handle much more. they both have told me that it doesn't have to be forever. maybe just a couple of months. maybe just a prescription that i can take when the panic attacks happen instead of a pill i have to take every day.
i am still nursing. this makes me a little relieved because i can't do anything right away. i don't want this, but i'm not functioning. i can't continue like this. i want to get better. i want to face head on all the things that i have been hiding from. i want to walk forward instead of staying stagnant. i would rather do this without medication. i hope i can but i am not holding my breath.
5 comments:
Okay I have sooo much to talk to you about. I have been where you are. I was there and I thought it would never ever end and it did. I would literally go days on just a few hours of sleep because my fears and anxieties were keeping me up all night.
I really really wish we could talk in person. Maybe we can meet up next week. Just us and the kids without our husbands. I really feel like I have a lot to say to you that might make you feel better, or at least feel like the end is in sight.
And it is true. For me it definitely got worse before it got better. But you will not feel like this forever. I promise you won't.
I also have this amazing book that has changed my life. It's about correcting imbalances that cause things like anxiety. I started taking tons and tons of vitamins. I also hate taking medication. I've been prescribed several different things for my anxiety and I never tried any of it. I've done a lot of research and discovered that there are so many natural things that work better than any medication. And of course vitamins are going to benefit your health and not just cover up the problem.
So let's talk! Send me your phone number on facebook and we'll plan something!
wow... i really can't wait to talk to you... i do feel like you are in my life for a reason. (besides being really cool ha ha.) tues next week might work for all of us? how bout you...?
oh and without the husbands i can do during the day tues wed or thurs... whatever you think is best... :)
My heart breaks for you as my mother has battled similar things and I have as well. I think no one wants to go on medication. I didn't about 2-3 years ago because of a fear of dependency on a substance. The thing is that it really did help me get through some stuff and I was able to function day to day. I could think clear finally...I didn't feel like I was flipping inside out in my own skin. I don't even know if that makes sense. Once I started combating my demons (so they say) and developing skills to deal with life, that's when I started weaning myself off. I've been off for almost a year now. So, it doesn't haven't to be forever. I'm praying for you.
youre so very sweet cec... thank you :)
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