i don't want to be god

i have never questioned the existence of god. ever. for the first time this week after being terribly disappointed in people once again i felt myself clinging onto to my idea of jesus. this familiar situation brought the very new thought that perhaps this jesus and my relationship with him is fabricated by my own need to have something to hope in.

perhaps the desperation that i would experience without this jesus is the only reason i want him. maybe i don't really want him. maybe i just don't want NOT him. what this world looks like without him is so dark and bleak that i can't accept it. it is easier for me to believe in him than not. people have and will continue to disappoint me, and what jesus represents to me is unfailing love, loyalty, and constancy. but i have created almost an idol of jesus and who he is that may not even be him. is it him i want or just something to fix this pain?

it has been about a week of this. today in church it hit me. i honestly don't even remember what church was about, but something that was said clicked in my mind.

we are born to worship something. it is innate. we have to have a god and if it isn't jesus or allah, or whatever, then it's us. we then begin to believe and trust ourselves. we become god. and if this works for some people, then ok, but it doesn't work for me. i become a horrible person when i am god.

let's say god doesn't exist. let say that jesus is not who i have believed him to be. all i know is that the person i am without him is miserable, depressed, and self centered. i am full of fear and anxiety. i want things i don't want to want. but jesus changes me. i haven't seen dead people raised to life. but i have seen my own heart completely soften and change when i thought it was impossible. i've seen myself be able to love and accept things that i was unable to without him. in my life i have attributed peace only through him and believe me, i have looked for it other places.

this sounds self centered, but all i can know is who he makes me; how he affects me; who i am because of him. even if it is all fabricated, then he is the only fabrication that works for me. if something or someone else does this for other people, that is not really my business. for me jesus is the only way.

i did it again

feeling really down. i guess guilty. guilt is the most useless emotion ever. there is no point to it. it is dumb. it doesn't make anything better; just makes me feel awful.

one thing hits a nerve somewhere and out of the blue i said something i didn't mean; something i didn't really believe; something that was terribly hurtful.

i'm not sure why or when spouting off toxic words became one of my shields. i guess it happened because it works. when someone comes charging, it stops them. they can't hurt me anymore when i've stabbed them first. it works but i hate it. i hate it because when i spew my poison, i don't feel better. i would almost rather be hurt than hurt. but i find myself here every so often and it makes me so sad.

let down...

his week has been a week of disappointment. every time i put my hope in them i am crushed when they show their humanity. for the last few years i have been living from one extreme to another. on the one side hating everyone and refusing to trust. on the other side, placing my trust in them. somehow this week some of my cynicism weakened. i put hope in someone and was very disappointed. very hurt. it's like this feeling in the pit of my stomach that is so fucking familiar. pain. pain mixed with adrenalin. the adrenalin is fueled my anger. "i won't even let this happen again". i vow it to myself. but the truth is i will. i don't want to be that person. i won't be.

there is not one person in my life that i know i will have forever. that i know will stick by me through thick and thin. there are definitely people i am pretty damn sure are loyal. (you know who you are hj) :) but i have lost my trust in humanity.

it's official.

the weird thing is, i don't feel angry right now. i don't feel devastated or alone. i just don't feel like my friends are going to save me; that my parents are going to save me; my mentors; my pastors; even my husband. i'm not depressed but i am sad. people are broken. when all is said and done we will all be disappointed and we will all disappoint.

who will save me? i have an inkling that this is supposed to draw me to god. and i think i'm ready.

thank you

thank you friends for the emails and posts. i honestly was shocked that this post got so much attention. i was embarrassed to post it because i truly thought we were alone in this. by doing so, i have realized quite the opposite.

women, wives and mommies... we are creative, intuitive and inspirational. we will make a way for our families. let's support each other. thank you so very much for offering yours to me. hit me up when i have some to give. i'm working on it.

ep

i'm a republican

my picture is right next to a picture of Sean Hannity.

i get very uncomfortable when people say they are liberal. when comments are made or even when i see their political affiliation on their facebook profile, i feel my stomach turning. i just can't wait to get in an argument with these people and find out why someone in their right mind, that hasn't been brainwashed by the media and the stars, would actually WANT their rights taken away. Even the word liberal means the exact opposite of what it represents.

i believe in conservative politics. i really really believe in it. i don't think it is THE WAY or anything and that all our problems will go away if we are conservative; but i believe it is the best option we have right now.

now to get the elephant in the room out of the way. the portrayed hot topics between conservatism and liberalism are abortion and gay marriage. these two issues aren't what each affiliation represent and they are just a smokescreen for the actual agenda. in regards to these issues i believe the decisions should be handed over to the state and decided by the people. as to what i believe on these issues? to be honest, abortion breaks my heart. after having children and feeling them growing inside me, i think it is a horrible thing. gay marriage? it's not my choice but hey, i'm not an advocate against it either.

with these issues aside, do the majority of jo blows out there know what they believe? if these two topics were not on either side, then what does each party represent?

i resent the implication that conservatism has anything to do with god, christianity or religion. it doesn't. i think that i became more passionate about politics when i lost my trust in god. when it comes to politics the majority of people are following without being educated and it drives me bananas.

josh was laid off from pg&e a year ago. he was hired again for a short time during that year and they have been assuring him of his job since then. we've officially given up. he has been able to get his AA during this time and it may end up being a blessing very very very cleverly disguised. i'm definitely not ready to say that yet but maybe someday.

since he has lost his job he has been on unemployment and our kids have been on medi-cal. pg&e told him that because of the union he didn't have to look for work and he would be hired back "any time". we've been sort of waiting. but he's been able to get his AA in one year, which is awesome. it's been hard to be a part of "the system" but we have definitely benefited. because of all the budget crisis, his checks are often late however, and this time it was 5 weeks since we received our edd check.

anyway, yesterday was an awful day. since we hadn't received any money for so long i thought we might qualify for cash aid and food stamps. it was one of those things that i was embarrassed to do, but i thought it couldn't hurt so i would try. i had an appointment yesterday. it affected me so deeply, i think it was a turning point in my life.

i walked into the SS office with all my information. they want everything of any importance. Social security cards, bank statements, car registrations, birth certificates, proof of rent, proof of utilities, the list goes on... in order to qualify for cash aid, my kids must be immunized. and also if they were school age, they must be in school. this made me very uncomfortable. Whether or not i believe in these things or not is not the issue. it is just being told i have to do it that really bothered me. i was walked into a room with several other people to watch this video explaining to me my rights. it was so elementary. i was embarrassed to be sitting in the same room as all these people. i don't believe i am better than them; i really don't. but i was embarrassed. anyway, let's just say that i smelled the best out of everyone in that room and by the time i left i didn't smell very good anymore.

we were like a number. one of many. the masses of poor people who have to go through all these hoops and give away their rights for a check. for money. for a handout.

i was then walked into an interview room where i sat in silence for about ten minutes while the worker looked at paperwork and her computer etc. i felt so stupid; i can't explain it. like i was castrated of my power or something; like i was giving all my rights away. the lady then proceeded to explain to me that i would need to go to a program 32 hours a week that would assist me in finding work and teach me social skills on being responsible and independent. at that moment something snapped in me and i said, 'maam i don't need help finding work. i can find work just fine'. she told me that it is a state mandated and if i want cash aid i have to go to the program.

so my wheels are turning as i'm sitting there. basically instead of working i have to go to this program on how to find a job. okkkaaaaayyyy. kind of seems completely pointless. see i am just a number to them. they think that i am like all the other uneducated and homeless persons that may not have the skills to make it in life. i kept thinking however that the system is meant for people like us; people that are capable and hard workers. people that have come upon a rough patch. apparently not.

my next dilemma. i ask her if i could apply for EOC. (paid preschool). i thought for sure we would qualify for this. the point of this program is for adults who can't afford childcare to be able to work or go to school because the state assists with this cost. she told me that the only way i would be able to qualify for child care is if i qualify for cash aid. when we start working we won't qualify anymore because we will have an income and then we will make too much. (too much is anything over 1400 a mo between us). 'so what you are telling me is i only get EOC if i poor enough to get cash aid which would mean that i don't have a job.' 'yep'. so the point of EOC is to allow me to stay home and watch soaps??? because if i work then i don't get it.

this is sooooo maddening! THIS IS WHY THE SYSTEM DOESN'T WORK! it is set up so that you are dependent on it. the amount they give you, keeps you poor, but is just enough to where it's almost not worth it to get out of it. why work if i have to pay for childcare? why work when i get money and free food by not working? i'll be poor but by the time they are done with me i have no rights anyway so what's the use of even getting off of the couch? this is the mentality of the people by the time they are done with you.......... not me; no way!

you think you want nationalized health care? do you know that that will mean that you cannot choose your own level of care? that you will be required to immunize you children? that you will not have the option of homeschooling them? that the government will mandate what you are aloud to own and what assets have to be liquidated?

i got up and left. i told her forget it. i see how people get into this trap. it's not hard to do. i don't judge them, but i'm not going there.

josh didn't want me to go anyway. he he told me we would be ok and to be honest we are. we have always had everything we need. he has made sure of that. i just thought it was worth a try. well it wasn't.

he has been working for a while now and it's not pg&e mind you, but it's got a future and he has been able to get his education while doing it. he has also been able to spend time with his kids and even involve gwen in his work. impossible at pg&e.

we both are driven to make a way for our family. everyone knows that getting an education after children is hard. but we are going to do it. he's already gotten his AA. and he will get his BS. i'm applying to the nursing program in 10. we are going to do it without being on welfare and we are going to do it well!

the programs were set up with good intentions i'm sure. to help people like us. but they have become an addiction for the people in this system. they are so worn down by it they don't have the drive to get out of it.

i believe in this country. i believe in education and the entrepreneurial spirit.

so i'm a republican. my picture is next to Hannity's.