here's the thing

i've had some time to myself lately. it's been nice. ummmm let me put this differently. it has been one of the single best times of my life. i have been deeeeeeply relaxed. but here's the thing. i have been learning a few things about myself.

i have an anxiety problem. i knew that. you all knew that. DUH. but here i have been, in a coma of relaxation but still experiencing a small level anxiety about the stupidest things. so i've had time to analyze my thought processes and try to dissect why this is happening.

i get up and want to get showered and dressed so i can get my errands done. i try to quickly get through my errands. i try to get all the housework done. i do a wash even though it's not quite a full load because i want to get it done and then i won't have to do it later. i do mother's day shopping so it can be done and out of the way even though it would be nice to do it with my family. i don't enjoy any of this. i'm trying to just get it done.

so i have time to think. why? why am i trying to get it done? what is it i am trying to get this stuff done for? what would i rather be doing? is it so i can sit and watch my show? is it so i can read or take a bath? nope. because when i take a bath or read i'm just trying to get it done so i can just relax. but i never relax. not usually. even when i'm relaxing i'm making lists. thinking through how i can best get stuff done. how ridiculous. i can never get everything done!

i've never really allowed myself to process through all of this. i'm glad i did because i see how this affects my family. my husband feels like he is just a number on my list. my kids feel like i just can't wait to get them to bed. no one feels treasured. i do treasure them but i have such a hard time resting and living in the moment.

i want to stop being efficient. i want to stop making lists. i want to stop looking forward to the future nothings and start living in the present; regardless of how medial it is. i want more than anything for my husband and kids to feel loved and treasured by me. i love and treasure them more than anything in the world.

we're all in this together

it's been a lot of years since i've done serious traveling; the kind of traveling that changes a person; the kind that opens up the world, and unleashes perspective. sometimes it's easy to forget. sometimes when i'm so sad or so stressed or so exhausted with the minor difficulties in my own little life i forget. I forget what real suffering looks like. I forget what really matters.

this is my last entry from overseas 6/24/2004
"India passes before me. Here I sit all alone on a train traveling home. Am I going home or leaving it? I'm not so sure anymore. The little curtain that is keeping out the dozens of Indian stares keeps blowing open every time someone walks by. There are certain things I never want to forget. For instance, the endearing 'chai guy' who deems it his duty to announce what he sells at an ear-splitting volume both day and night at 10 minute intervals. No I don't want to forget him. I don't want to forget how good an air conditioning feels in 120 degree weather. I don't want to forget what a blessing filtered water is. I don't want to forget beautiful sunsets or the power of monsoon rains. I could forget sickness like I've never experienced, no privacy, millions of stares, and being followed daily. But no, it will all stay with me because I will remind myself. I will make myself remember.
The sky is beautiful. I think God pays special attention and reveals more of his beauty in the Indian sky because it is lacking everywhere else. As I sit here looking at it, I know I am so blessed. I'm blessed to have seen this sky and the filth under it. I know what really matters. I'm a changed person and not because of India but because of Jesus. Oh may I never forget! May nothing ever keep me from living; from truly living. I have my entire life ahead of me. I don't know what it looks like and it doesn't matter. I know now what really matters."



thank you http://williaminpismo.blogspot.com/

gross

i love this picture. i don't want to take away from the power behind it with my own words but i don't want my own words to be misinterpreted because i don't say them. i believe jesus is the way. jesus isn't my issue; it's people. whether i believe he is the only way doesn't mean i can dictate to others what they should believe and why MY interpretation of MY belief is correct.

many christians are just as morally depraved as people from every other religion that uses it's own belief system to manipulate and control people. there is absolutely no difference to me and i don't think there is to god either. gross.

i am so disgusted with some specific christians right now. when i was in india i was so disgusted with hindus for the exact same reason. christians and hindus and the rest of them, are people who have the potential for incredible selfishness, coercion, and evil. it is just awful what people do to each other.

there is nothing worse than when 'god,' (a version of god), is used to get what someone wants out of fearful, impressionable, and weak people. i feel myself shy away from their interpretation of scripture, and "words" that people have, because all of this is a PERSONAL BELIEF! scripture can be whatever you want it to mean and just because you can argue better than someone who is weaker doesn't mean you're right! gross. gross. gross.

b's

this post is for the two b's in my life. i am so thankful for you two. i crashed in on your parade and you never made me feel like the third wheel. you put up with my whining, and my speeding, my ranting, and have just loved me. you've called me to check up on me when i sounded 'not quite right'. you learned what 'not quite right' sounds like. there really couldn't be three more different people and yet for that reason, this little clan is a success. bethany, you take care of us and make sure we stay on track. it's so nice to trust you enough to lean on everything you've learned. but more than that, i'm blown away by your encouragement. it works! beth, your honesty is so refreshing. you are so real and transparent and it makes me feel like anything is possible. you are seriously inspirational to me. you give me hope for myself in more ways than running. the way we work together, defer to each other, and rally each other is such a beautiful thing. i don't think it's typical and i'm so thankful for it.

i love you girls.

personal best

today someone told me that i look really good for having had two kids... gee thanks... "for having two kids" i look great... maybe some people would take that as a compliment but i didn't... same reason i'm not flattered when someone says my hair looks good on a specific day... what's wrong with how i normally look?

it's not like this offends me or anything... i really couldn't care less... i'm happy with myself having had kids or not... i've worked really hard... i continue to work hard and hard work pays off... it pays off for all people differently... there are a lot of mommies that have a personal best that is much better than me and vice versa... it doesn't really matter because it's not about them... it's not about anyone else, and it's not even about comparing myself to the previous, pre-kids me... it's about me now, how i take care of myself, and how i feel.

i didn't start running to lose weight and i haven't lost any. i started running because i wanted to be a better me. i wanted to feel better and i wanted to push myself. this looks different for everyone but the effort is all that matters. to some people this looks like walking to the mail box every day and making a conscious effort to eat veggies... and i don't honestly think that my mileage and diet is any better than their effort if it is their personal best.

to be honest i'm super proud of myself and what i've accomplished. i want it for everyone else! not necessarily marathon running but whatever it is that makes them better.



p.s. i'm having a really hard time keeping my chin up and i got sad news today that topped everything off... there is only one thing i know for sure right now and that's my mileage schedule...

fat free?

i don't get the fat free thing... lite and margarine and no whip blah blah... i eat red meat and vitamin D milk and full fat everything... i have tried the fat free thing and realized a few things. it generally has quite a bit more sugar to make up for the fact that it tastes crappy... and also, it just doesn't satisfy... i would rather have one yogurt than need five yoplait fat free extra skinny yogurts to feel full...

now i'm not gonna drink bacon grease or anything but when i think healthy i don't think non-fat. i'm proud of how many vegetables and fruit my household goes through in a week. two full drawers of veggies and one big bowl of fruit. my kids have never eaten mcdonalds or taco bell. that's just gross. but they also eat plenty of butter, milk, and meat and i don't want that to change.

so i'm not a fat free fan unless it is a cholesterol problem... which makes sense...

i'm sure there are many sides to this issue and i'd like to hear them...

ok please discuss...

i did it

the day before my six week running anniversary i ran a half marathon. i ran it it 2H 11M. i averaged 10 miles per hour which i am hugely proud of because the ENTIRE thing was mountainous hills. really unbelievably STEEP hills.

haha couch to half marathon in six weeks. i was ok after except my stomach hurt really bad and my knees got soooo swollen. josh had to carry me downstairs and give me an epsom salt bath when i got home. then he iced my knees on and off the entire evening. the next day i was back to normal... ready to run again.

i know it probably seems stupid to hold up my half marathon as one of the biggest days of my life. but it's not the actual run or the actual day that means so much. it is what it represents. last year was one of the hardest years of my life. personally i was so stuck in my muck and depression and hormones. i was sinking in tar. i didn't let josh help me; i didn't communicate to him what i needed. i hardly got up off the couch and when i left the house it was only because i absolutely HAD to.

so i started running after trying to for so long. beth and bethany inspired me and encouraged me and were true friends. it was hard. so miserable. beginning running sucks. josh made every effort to give me time to run and stretch with me and make sure i kept with it. i felt selfish at first that i was taking so much time for something all about me. but he spoke so positively about it that i started to get over that. i intended to run in may but this came up and i thought i would give it a shot.

so running on that day mile after mile (6 more than i had ever run), meant the world to me. it meant all my hours upon hours of training paid off. it meant all the support i got paid off. it meant i really am capable of completing and excelling in my life even when the obstacles are extremely difficult. i cried when i finished. i couldn't believe it.

i also learned something about my relationship with josh. i ask him not to come to the race because i didn't think i would be able to finish and i didn't want my failure recognized. i didn't believe in myself but i also didn't let him believe in me. the day of the race i was so nervous and he was just hugging me and telling me i could do it. when i was done i needed him because i could hardly walk and he took such good care of me. i realized that i'm not usually vulnerable enough with him to let him see me fail or succeed and to let him take care of me either way. i was sad he wasn't there, but i'm glad that it happened because i learned something about myself and about him. josh doesn't need me to succeed for him to value me or be proud of me. i don't need him to either. that wouldn't be a real relationship. we are supposed to support and love each other regardless if we fail or succeed. i haven't been letting him support me and it's scary but i'm going to change that.

so, running is awesome and it's changed my life in so many ways. and now with my husband's support, and my trusty running friends, i'm going to start training for a full marathon. ahhhh i can't believe i just typed that!!!



nerves before




trying to figure out how to put on that thing... haha this was my first race...




go team go!





before





after... FREEZING and pretty pooped... actually bethany looks like she barely broke a sweat. me and beth had had it...