frickin frick

i'm so tired of reading and hearing about people's problems with other people... the ones i love... why the hell does everyone think that they are right? why do they think that when things go wrong, that their perspective is the correct one? there is is self satisfaction i hear and see in almost every single person that has been apart of all this mess... all the messes that have surrounded and clouded my life...

i'm angry right now and annoyed, but more than anything i'm super hurt because i just wish more than anything that everyone would STOP!

you don't get to decide who was wrong or what was bad or good... you get decide what is right and wrong for you and then you get to keep your mouth shut about everything else. please stop... please please please...

right with god

in a stupid heated discussion in which i was mostly in the wrong, the other person told me i wasn't right with god. they kind of threw it in there and i honestly didn't think twice about it because i just assumed they were right. it wasn't till the next day that i thought, "!?!?!!?!?!?".

i wouldn't go so far as to go out of my way to declare that i am right with god. i mean who knows but how could someone else possibly judge that about me?

because i question? because i'm searching? because i'm actually honest about it? these things don't make me "un-right" with god. in fact i would go so far as to say that i'm way "righter" than i think i've ever been and way "righter" than many people who look like they are "ultra-right"

it is frustrating that i cannot seem to get across that my questioning is not coming from a place of rebellion. and i'm not questioning god himself. at all. i'm questioning who the christian culture says he is and what it requires of it's followers. i guess i don't really care if you, or whoever thinks i am right with god because that is the stupidest, vaguest, most ominous description anyways. there is no way to hold a ruler to what it actually means and it is subject to each person's interpretation; which sort of leaves god out of it. like many things that christians say, accept and don't question.

but what actually pricks my heart about it is that god might actually think that i am not right with him. after wrestling with this today i don't think he does. i don't know. i'm really not sure. but that would be sad because when all is said and done, and it is just him and i, i want him to be proud of me. i want him love where i am at and what i have done with what i have been given.

beautiful

i love this picture... it speaks to me... what does it say to you?



ok so last night i was much to tired to comment on my own blog pic but i still just had to put it up.

this is my take: a woman in the water who seems to be surviving the aftermath of a storm. from the bottom of her face you can tell she is calm and from her body posturing, you can tell that she is poised. this means to me she is ready and prepared. there are streams of light shining through dark clouds but there is also patches of blue sky behind them. I think the most powerful part of this picture is the umbrella. it is a striking contrast to the serenity of the overall feeling.

running

anyone tired of reading blogs about running? it's funny because a lot of us know each other and read one another's blogs so everyone might be sick of it. but oh well because i can't help it.

so i signed up for the 1/2 marathon in may... it overwhelms me because i could hardly get up to get my brownie a little while ago... but i'm plugging away and have amazing inspirational friends that have paved a little highway for me.

after gabe was born i was so desperate to not get pregnant that i had the "shot"... it was the only thing that i felt would truly protect me from the horror of another pregnancy in my state. so it ruined me. i wish i would have researched and done my homework. bottom line is i became so incredibly depressed, tired, and miserable. i hated everyone and everything. plus gabe was up every two hours for the first eight months so i hardly slept. PLUS josh got laid off and the other unnamed drama was still going strong. it was a horrible time of my life. i got so incredibly addicted to sugar and caffeine. i got skinny but could hardly get my kids in the car without getting out of breath. i'm not exaggerating. caffeine kept me going and sugar made me not hungry. i didn't care to change because i was so depressed.

so i figured out what the problem was. a naturalist gave me supplements to help get the shot out of my system (it took over a year), and a therapist told me to start exercising. so i went back to karate. it was hard but i began to feel alive again. i decided i wanted to get my black belt and start trying to get into the nursing program. i guess i decided to come back to life. well to get my black belt i knew i would have to get in better shape and it was daunting. since my chemistry class is on karate nights i thought i would start running to prepare for the test later in the year.

so the running (consistently) started about a month ago. it was like death. seriously horrrrrrible. when i was in india i ran because i got fat, but it was never as hard as the first recent week was. but then all my hero friends encouraged me and i couldn't stop. i guess that's not saying much since it's only been four weeks but i can feel my body and myself coming back.

this sounds stupid i guess but i'm noticing differences in every area of my life. i'm cleaning significantly less. i can actually sit still and let my kids make a mess. (as long as the mess is contained haha.) i have glimpses of peace. and more than anything, i feel inspired as to my own potential and the potential of my family. we are capable of whatever we set out to do.

i'm willing to say now that the misery just may have been worth it if this is a glimpse of the person i can be.

i am doubting my own ability to pull this 13.1 miles off so soon. especially coming from where i was. but i ran five miles this morning when i couldn't run .25 two months ago. i will give it everything i am. when the semester is over i'm sure all of this running will help me in training for my shodan.

i'm inspired by everyone around me. by the people that set out on difficult and insanely hard goals and accomplish them. i'm inspired my husband for seeing me through this horrible time and for still having such love for me. i'm inspired my kids for their sweetness and endless forgiveness of my impatience. and i'm inspired by my self. i know i'm capable.

my identity is not specifically being a wife or mother or a student or a runner. my identity is all the facets of my life that contribute to who i am. yes, my family. yes, my running and karate. yes, my educational goals and music. it's all part of who i am. there is much of me i have yet to discover. i just lost me for a while but it's back. i'll lose it again i'm sure. that's just life. for the time being i'm feeling very blessed to have come out of the valley that i was in.


wooohooo for running!!! woohooo for everyone that loves me and supports me... big thank you... <3

breaking heart

watching all these people in pain. i have cried a lot the last few days on not one tear was for me. it's weird. i mean i want to have a heart and be sensitive but i'm seriously hurting. it's painful to care. now i remember why i tried so hard to be tough and distance myself from grief... from people grieving. i know now that i could never be a councilor or or a social worker or anything like that. i'm just consumed with the desire to fix it and change things and i can't rest or sleep. i'm too busy being sad for everyone. it's ridiculous.

especially the kids. i don't cry until i start thinking about the kids. in all the scenarios i am faced with in my life, the kids are what breaks my heart the most. the kids in haite; the kids of my friends; the kids that i pass by that looked unloved or uncared for. even my own kids. the pain these children have experienced and even worse... the pain they will experience. there is nothing i can do. i can't stop it. it's so sad.

jesus must be so sad a lot.

but i'm glad i feel. even though it hurts and sometimes i don't know what to do with it, i'm glad the pain is there. it means i'm alive.

oh and please god be with the kids.

sponge vs dish cloth

VS








so here is something i'm passionate about... haha...

hell, i'm already worked up and i haven't even hardly started the post yet. ok, there are two kinds of people in the world. the dish sponge people and the right people. apparently the dish sponge people are winning because almost everyone has them and i just don't get it. here is why sponges are disgusting and ridiculous:

they are a harbor for bacteria. the wet moisture just sits and sits with all the nastiness that you "cleaned" imbedded in the cracks and crevices . they stink within a matter of days but most people keep on rinsing them (adding to the moisture problem), and continue to use them. think about the wide variety of things we wipe off of the counter. juice, coffee, rotten food, (or things that become rotten in the sponge), raw meat and it's juices, milk.... etc. GROSS

so the really super determined sponge users think that the microwave is going to fix all of these problems. the smell that comes from the microwave when it is "disinfecting", is enough to tell you that that monstrosity needs to be thrown away. why are we trying to save this gross rectangular germisode? sick sick sick.

ok so apart from the disgustingness, lets discuss the in-practicality of the sponge. the amount of swipes it takes to clean a counter with this little thing is exponentially greater than it is with a dish cloth. my arm gets tired wiping with a sponge... really. (this could have to do with just being out of shape but you get where i'm going.) the dish cloth is bigger and does so much more. with two hands you can manuever that baby and clean so much more efficiently. you can rinse it out completely and wring the water out. then you simply place it over the faucet to dry and it actual does; unlike the sponge that sits in a puddle of wetness. plus after two days or so, you throw the cloth in the wash and get a fresh one out. pretty simple.

and when you try to wash dishes with the sponge, your hands get burnt by the hot water because they have to actually be on the dish. there is no space between you and what you are washing. stupid. isn't this a MUCH better and somewhat obvious choice:



so there are my reasons against sponges and for dish cloths/brushes. now give me yours. which of you are sponge users and most importantly WHY???!?!?!?!? as with everything in my life i'm going to try to keep an open mind.

rush of blood to my head

i'm not sure... of anything spiritual... except jesus... i'm just not sure... this is so annoying. i'm tired of being in this place of 'not sure'. i'm such a passionate person; full of conviction... definitely not the passive type. definitely not the even keel, go with the flow type. definitely not...

"i'm gonna buy a gun and start a war... if you give me something worth fighting for." that's me. i'll die for it; whatever it is. i'll i give my blood and sweat to protect it. just tell me what the fuck it is.

but i'm not gonna believe you if you tell me. i'm still not gonna be sure. it's not rebellion. maybe it used to be. but i would welcome rebellion right now. at least it would be passionate. even if it was wrong it would be full of drive and life. but it's not. it's just 'not sure'.

this last year i've become willing; willing to believe that truth might be what i thought it was. i certainly don't believe it is, but i'm willing to think it might be. and once again like i've said a million times, at this point it's only jesus i believe in; and only because he's the best for me. if it's all a hoax then who cares? the hoax works for me. other than that what is there?

but i'm ready for more. i'm ready to believe in more and fight for more. i just need to know what more is.