rush of blood to my head

i'm not sure... of anything spiritual... except jesus... i'm just not sure... this is so annoying. i'm tired of being in this place of 'not sure'. i'm such a passionate person; full of conviction... definitely not the passive type. definitely not the even keel, go with the flow type. definitely not...

"i'm gonna buy a gun and start a war... if you give me something worth fighting for." that's me. i'll die for it; whatever it is. i'll i give my blood and sweat to protect it. just tell me what the fuck it is.

but i'm not gonna believe you if you tell me. i'm still not gonna be sure. it's not rebellion. maybe it used to be. but i would welcome rebellion right now. at least it would be passionate. even if it was wrong it would be full of drive and life. but it's not. it's just 'not sure'.

this last year i've become willing; willing to believe that truth might be what i thought it was. i certainly don't believe it is, but i'm willing to think it might be. and once again like i've said a million times, at this point it's only jesus i believe in; and only because he's the best for me. if it's all a hoax then who cares? the hoax works for me. other than that what is there?

but i'm ready for more. i'm ready to believe in more and fight for more. i just need to know what more is.