what my first trimester has taught me

HA.  No I'm not pregnant.  But I'm planning on living until I'm ninety.  I have a month left until I turn 30.  I'm scared about this one.  The only way out of turning thirty is to die and since that's not in my agenda, this birthday is going to happen.  I had such big plans.  By the time I was thirty I was planning on having traveled to all seven continents.  I've only set foot in four.  I was planning on being done with my nursing and be at least almost finished with my widifery or nurse practitioner license.  I was planning on having my black belt, and recent goals had me qualifying for Boston by thirty.

So I've decided that I'm not terrified about the age; or really aging at all.  I think I've gotten better with age.  I'm terrified about my life slipping me by and missing it.  And all the while I'm trying not to miss it I've been missing it.

I have two children; they are beautiful.  They are a part of me.  It wasn't part of my initial plan but here they are and I am in awe of how much I love them.  I look back at the child I was when I got married.  Now I am divorced.  This could and is thought by many to be a failure.  Parts of me think that it is, but oh the wealth that I have learned from this part of my story!  And now I have these sweet babies because of this horrible mistake.  And now these choices have led me to another man and another child who I love so much and who loves us so much.

If I was to sum up what I have learned in the first thirty years of my life I would say it is that our choices have consequences.  Yes, mom was right.  Choose wisely what you value.  This is the only life we get; no do-overs.  If you wish to travel, you may not get your education when you planned.  If you choose to get married to the a man with no integrity, he will not protect or provide for you.  After he leaves you he will not protect or provide for your children.  There are consequences for marrying the wrong man.  It doesn't mean you are bad and your life is over.  It just means your story is different and your children's story is different.  I'll never get to do the last ten years over again.  They are done.  But I really hope to kick ass at the next sixty.