wanting to be an atheist

it's annoying that christians make an issue about halloween, but i don't really wanna write about halloween. it's also annoying that christians think christmas is about jesus and his birthday, but i don't want to talk about christmas either.

christians make specific issues their poster children for feeling better about being horrible. now i realized that everyone has horribleness, but the deceit and hypocrisy that is used to cover it is what gets to me. it's awful.

most of the horrible things that people have done to each other throughout history have been done in the name of religion. the bad things that people have and continue to do to me are done in the name of jesus. i personally think jesus would hate that. i personally think jesus would dress up like a vampire and celebrate halloween. however whether he would or wouldn't isn't the issue. christians and their perspectives about halloween are minute compared to their fucked up marriages, horrible parenting, mis-money management, sexual addictions, and every other issue they have. now i'm not saying that other people don't have these issues as well, but christians (along with other people of different religions), cover and hide them. Christians pretend not to have these problems because they have jesus, or christianity, or whatever religion has made them better. No one wants to admit that they are just as fucked up as the next guy.

yes, i'll be abusive to children, i'll drink too much, i'll falsely destroy the reputation of others, i'll hurt the people who have loved me, i will lie to get ahead, i will endanger others, but i WILL NOT put on a costume and say "trick or treat". it's stupid.

how about we be good people. how about we treat others well. let's believe in beauty. let's protect each other. let's protect ourselves. let's defer and sacrifice and hold ourselves to a standard of love. how about we not set up artificial rules for everyone to follow based on our own definitions of truth. believe what you will. believe it with your whole heart. do right by yourself with what you believe. do right by your children and the ones you love. but don't tell me what to believe. don't tell my children what to believe.

don't hold me to a christian standard. i don't want to be a christian. i'm not proud of us... them... i want so bad to be an atheist but why would i choose to deny belief in god when he really has nothing to do with it? i believe in him. i don't believe in them. i really don't know and neither do you.