Divorced today

in the spring of 2010 he left me several times. one of those times, in a rage he threw and broke this little statue that a dear friend gave us for our wedding. gwen wasn't there but at 3 years old she knew something was wrong in the home. she would ask every morning where daddy was and i distinctly remember the first morning she didn't ask me. she learned not to ask at the age of 3. as soon as he broke the little statuette i hid it so she wouldn't find it. well she found it anyway and when she saw it, she knew. she had always loved it and more than that, i think she loved the security that it represented to her. and it was broken. she was sobbing crying and i was crying as well, trying to hold myself together promising her that i would fix it. i tried to fix it. for several more months i tried to fix it and i couldn't.

there are many versions of our story that my children will hear... there is only one true story and i'm not saying i am the one that has it... but i know he doesn't...

so today was the day... i've both wished for and dreaded this day... as i sat there in front of the judge, my lawyer, his lawyer, his mother, and a bunch of strangers, i felt like i was watching myself... i felt like i was teetering between the weight and regret of these last eight years...

once again he showed his character... he was like a rabid dog... lying, refusing to listen, refusing to reason... angry angry angry... which was strange because we had come to an agreement on Thursday. but that didn't matter... it all was out the window... at the last minute he called off his tantrum and demands and gave in... perhaps he realized if the judge saw all he has done, he would lose what he has and more... maybe his lawyer talked him into it... maybe his mom... i don't know... bottom line is i got what my very last offer was and it's not great, but it's ok...

it was the perfect day to get divorced. all the reasons i cannot be married to him were right there in front of me... the judge ask... "Are you Elissa Rachael Parrish? Were you married on July 16th 2005? Do you have two children by the names of Gwendolyn and Gabriel as a result of this marriage? Do you wish for this marriage on this day October 24th to be nullified siting irreconcilable differences, claiming that there is no hope for reconciliation?" "Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes." ...(Pause)... And Elissa...... would you like your name back?" I was barely able to speak. The weight of the questions. The weight of the yes'. And out of my mouth came my last yes. "I want my name back". And that was it. I was divorced.

I walked out. Past all the people. Past him. Past the lawyers. Into the elevator. Down the street, into my car and then of course i cried. i cried because i married him in the first place. i cried because it is over. i cried because i felt like i wasted my young innocence on him. all those years and now all this cynicism. i cried because he is the father of my children and i can never truly get away from him. eight years i had been tied to this man and now i am not married to him. i am not responsible for him. i am not to protect him. i am my own now. the relief i feel almost feels like a weight. it is heavy, but sweet.

i will remember every detail of this day for the rest of my life. i'll remember that my feet were cold all day because i stupidly wore sandles. i'll remember that he wore the striped blue button up shirt. he has been wearing some version of that shirt since we started dating. i'll remember that the day was foggy and misty just like i like it. i'll remember that musty smell in the courtroom and the tension that suffocates everyone there. i'll remember it as the day i was free from him. i am not without my battle wounds and regrets. hell, i'm full of regrets... i am so sorry that this will be my kids' story. i hope someday they will understand. i hope their lives will be full and rich. i hope i can do whatever it takes to add to their lives what this mess has taken out of it.