wanting to be an atheist

it's annoying that christians make an issue about halloween, but i don't really wanna write about halloween. it's also annoying that christians think christmas is about jesus and his birthday, but i don't want to talk about christmas either.

christians make specific issues their poster children for feeling better about being horrible. now i realized that everyone has horribleness, but the deceit and hypocrisy that is used to cover it is what gets to me. it's awful.

most of the horrible things that people have done to each other throughout history have been done in the name of religion. the bad things that people have and continue to do to me are done in the name of jesus. i personally think jesus would hate that. i personally think jesus would dress up like a vampire and celebrate halloween. however whether he would or wouldn't isn't the issue. christians and their perspectives about halloween are minute compared to their fucked up marriages, horrible parenting, mis-money management, sexual addictions, and every other issue they have. now i'm not saying that other people don't have these issues as well, but christians (along with other people of different religions), cover and hide them. Christians pretend not to have these problems because they have jesus, or christianity, or whatever religion has made them better. No one wants to admit that they are just as fucked up as the next guy.

yes, i'll be abusive to children, i'll drink too much, i'll falsely destroy the reputation of others, i'll hurt the people who have loved me, i will lie to get ahead, i will endanger others, but i WILL NOT put on a costume and say "trick or treat". it's stupid.

how about we be good people. how about we treat others well. let's believe in beauty. let's protect each other. let's protect ourselves. let's defer and sacrifice and hold ourselves to a standard of love. how about we not set up artificial rules for everyone to follow based on our own definitions of truth. believe what you will. believe it with your whole heart. do right by yourself with what you believe. do right by your children and the ones you love. but don't tell me what to believe. don't tell my children what to believe.

don't hold me to a christian standard. i don't want to be a christian. i'm not proud of us... them... i want so bad to be an atheist but why would i choose to deny belief in god when he really has nothing to do with it? i believe in him. i don't believe in them. i really don't know and neither do you.

Divorced today

in the spring of 2010 he left me several times. one of those times, in a rage he threw and broke this little statue that a dear friend gave us for our wedding. gwen wasn't there but at 3 years old she knew something was wrong in the home. she would ask every morning where daddy was and i distinctly remember the first morning she didn't ask me. she learned not to ask at the age of 3. as soon as he broke the little statuette i hid it so she wouldn't find it. well she found it anyway and when she saw it, she knew. she had always loved it and more than that, i think she loved the security that it represented to her. and it was broken. she was sobbing crying and i was crying as well, trying to hold myself together promising her that i would fix it. i tried to fix it. for several more months i tried to fix it and i couldn't.

there are many versions of our story that my children will hear... there is only one true story and i'm not saying i am the one that has it... but i know he doesn't...

so today was the day... i've both wished for and dreaded this day... as i sat there in front of the judge, my lawyer, his lawyer, his mother, and a bunch of strangers, i felt like i was watching myself... i felt like i was teetering between the weight and regret of these last eight years...

once again he showed his character... he was like a rabid dog... lying, refusing to listen, refusing to reason... angry angry angry... which was strange because we had come to an agreement on Thursday. but that didn't matter... it all was out the window... at the last minute he called off his tantrum and demands and gave in... perhaps he realized if the judge saw all he has done, he would lose what he has and more... maybe his lawyer talked him into it... maybe his mom... i don't know... bottom line is i got what my very last offer was and it's not great, but it's ok...

it was the perfect day to get divorced. all the reasons i cannot be married to him were right there in front of me... the judge ask... "Are you Elissa Rachael Parrish? Were you married on July 16th 2005? Do you have two children by the names of Gwendolyn and Gabriel as a result of this marriage? Do you wish for this marriage on this day October 24th to be nullified siting irreconcilable differences, claiming that there is no hope for reconciliation?" "Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes." ...(Pause)... And Elissa...... would you like your name back?" I was barely able to speak. The weight of the questions. The weight of the yes'. And out of my mouth came my last yes. "I want my name back". And that was it. I was divorced.

I walked out. Past all the people. Past him. Past the lawyers. Into the elevator. Down the street, into my car and then of course i cried. i cried because i married him in the first place. i cried because it is over. i cried because i felt like i wasted my young innocence on him. all those years and now all this cynicism. i cried because he is the father of my children and i can never truly get away from him. eight years i had been tied to this man and now i am not married to him. i am not responsible for him. i am not to protect him. i am my own now. the relief i feel almost feels like a weight. it is heavy, but sweet.

i will remember every detail of this day for the rest of my life. i'll remember that my feet were cold all day because i stupidly wore sandles. i'll remember that he wore the striped blue button up shirt. he has been wearing some version of that shirt since we started dating. i'll remember that the day was foggy and misty just like i like it. i'll remember that musty smell in the courtroom and the tension that suffocates everyone there. i'll remember it as the day i was free from him. i am not without my battle wounds and regrets. hell, i'm full of regrets... i am so sorry that this will be my kids' story. i hope someday they will understand. i hope their lives will be full and rich. i hope i can do whatever it takes to add to their lives what this mess has taken out of it.

STILL NOT OVER

i’ve waited and waited. please be done. i’ll write when it’s over. i’d rather tell a story that has an end than tell the day to day agony. it will never be over. today hurts. why is this still happening? the emails... the accusations... the the lies... the threats... the enemies that i have accumulated that don’t even know... the enemies that once loved me... give me five minutes to explain... but they don’t... it’s a career to hate me...

you hurt my kids... yes, they are my kids... i know they are yours too but every decision you have made along the way has been for yourself... it has never been about them... it has never been about you having them... it has been about taking them away from me... you would rather other’s have them as long as i don’t... just to prove a point... just to hurt me... at their expense.

i regret the day i married you... i regret that you are their father... i spent five years protecting you... covering for you... because i loved you... because i believed that you would grow up... that it was my job to stand by you... it isn’t my job anymore... too bad you left me because if you never did i would have stood by you forever... every time you packed your shit and left you lost a piece of me... and now you have lost me forever... and because of this i will do whatever it takes to keep you from hurting my babies... i’ll never give up... i’ll never stop protecting them...



i'll never be her again.
everytime you left i died a little more...
never again...
closure is coming...

A flower through cement

This week I felt so overwhelmed. I felt that the possibility of happiness was so far fetched. What could I possibly have been thinking? I made a mistake... many mistakes. How could I ever hope to be happy again after making such life altering decisions that were so disastrous? How could I justify ever being happy again?

All of it hurt. From my own childhood family falling apart along with all the split relationships, to my other AC family falling apart and all those split relationships, to my own grown up family falling apart... ...and all the split relationships...

What the hell? Why does this happen? The connection I felt to those people growing up was so real. I don't hate anyone. I think it's fair to say I still love everyone. It is so hard to describe. It was a piece of who I was; who I am. How does someone explain such closeness like I had with that family? They were more than family. I didn't know where our family ended and theirs began. Yes, there was plenty of dysfunction like any other family, but it was beautiful; amazing memories; how I loved them. How I love them.

How does this all go away? Why do we grow up? Why do people disagree and abandon this type of closeness? It happens to most people at some point or another I guess. It happens in churches and friendships and families. It will be so beautiful and the beauty of it will be so tarnished by how it ends. For the last several years I have maintained the position that I would have chosen to never have had what I had than to lose it. I have felt that way with all three of my families that I have lost. It hurts too much to accept something as a positive aspect in my life when it just ended so horribly. I'm not sure I still feel that way. The good was great. The bad was worse. Was it worth it?

Pain is everywhere; pain from the kid pushed around at home or school to the old woman who feels abandoned and alone. Hunger, death, physical suffering... it's everywhere. And somehow, beauty manages to push through. People manage to hope again. A gesture gets through. A flower pushes it's way through cement.

Here I am alive. Smarter. Better. Much more compassionate and gracious. Yes, a little more cynical but also so grateful for the moments of closeness I had. The closeness I have with those in my life now. I am so thankful for my forevers. The five women that stood beside me when I got married still have loved me thru my divorce. If divorce was a ceremony I would ask the same five to walk it with me. The two women that I ran my marathon with haven't abandoned me but have continued to be pillars in my life. They are two of the best friends anyone could ask for. I am blessed with a family who loves me; Parents and sisters/sister-inlaw that have shown me support in a million different ways. And I'm blessed by a man who loves me; who gives and gives and gives. A man who has stayed beside me over the hardest year of my life and has been steady and supportive. A man who has taken on my goals and my children as a part of his story. I'm very thankful for him and l love him very much. I'm a lucky girl. I'm pushing my way through. I think it was worth it. It was a part of my story. It has made me who I am now.

still here

It's been about eight months since I left... It's been about 11 months since he left... Seven and a half years since I said I'd be his girlfriend... Six years since I said I'd say I do and almost six since I did. And I didn't. And he didn't.

It is a sad tragic thing that has happened to my family. I'll never be the same. My children will never be the same. I'm so so sorry. I'm sorry for the original decision that got me here. I'm sorry for how it ended. Mostly I'm just so sorry for my kids. When I am faced with the idea of what the rest of my life will look like, I know I can do it. I will survive and not only that, I think I will thrive. I think my children will thrive.

I hurt almost every day. But some days I don't. The days that I don't happen more and more often.