headway

this is so weird... i miss writing but i don't know what to say... i know people read my blog... people i love and people that hate me... i know they check often to glean ammunition against me... i want them to love me... i want them to forgive me and remember who i really am and that they love me... that i love them...

i do miss some people and many aspects of my old life. i still cry a lot...

but...

i'm happy... i'm doing the very best i know how... i'm proud of the headway i've made... i'm proud of my job, my place, my car... i'm proud that i did it myself... i'm not proud of my mistakes obviously, but i know what no one else really knows about my old life and i'm proud that i did what had to be done... the ultimate decision i am proud of... what got me there, not so much, but i got there...

i never wanted to be a single mom... no one does i guess... sometimes i double take and i can't believe that this is who i am... one mistake after another led me here... and these two children are the single best mistakes of my life... i am better because of them... i always tell gwen that she gave me the best present EVER when she made me a mommy... i want so bad to give them a wonderful life and a full future... in many ways i feel that i've ruined their lives with decisions i made before they were born... but all i know is that i am doing the very best i can with what i have now. it is impossible to express how much i love them... how my heart aches for them when i don't have them... how i grieve at what my mistakes have cost them...

i'm laying in bed aching to hold my babies... missing hearing their sweet breathing... tomorrow i will get to hold them... the hardest part about all of this is missing them...