i've had some time to myself lately. it's been nice. ummmm let me put this differently. it has been one of the single best times of my life. i have been deeeeeeply relaxed. but here's the thing. i have been learning a few things about myself.
i have an anxiety problem. i knew that. you all knew that. DUH. but here i have been, in a coma of relaxation but still experiencing a small level anxiety about the stupidest things. so i've had time to analyze my thought processes and try to dissect why this is happening.
i get up and want to get showered and dressed so i can get my errands done. i try to quickly get through my errands. i try to get all the housework done. i do a wash even though it's not quite a full load because i want to get it done and then i won't have to do it later. i do mother's day shopping so it can be done and out of the way even though it would be nice to do it with my family. i don't enjoy any of this. i'm trying to just get it done.
so i have time to think. why? why am i trying to get it done? what is it i am trying to get this stuff done for? what would i rather be doing? is it so i can sit and watch my show? is it so i can read or take a bath? nope. because when i take a bath or read i'm just trying to get it done so i can just relax. but i never relax. not usually. even when i'm relaxing i'm making lists. thinking through how i can best get stuff done. how ridiculous. i can never get everything done!
i've never really allowed myself to process through all of this. i'm glad i did because i see how this affects my family. my husband feels like he is just a number on my list. my kids feel like i just can't wait to get them to bed. no one feels treasured. i do treasure them but i have such a hard time resting and living in the moment.
i want to stop being efficient. i want to stop making lists. i want to stop looking forward to the future nothings and start living in the present; regardless of how medial it is. i want more than anything for my husband and kids to feel loved and treasured by me. i love and treasure them more than anything in the world.
7 comments:
Amen, me too, and I have no idea how to change this. Thanks for writing the stuff I have been processing all day!
I am right there with you. Who knew that changing your thought process is pretty much the most difficult thing ever??? It sucks... but the first step is realizing that changing the way we think is totally doable. Just know that you are not alone in this!!! I'm exactly the same way. My alone time consists of me getting as much stuff done as I possibly can. House work, laundry, errands... all part of my "me" time. I. don't. know. how. to. relax. I really don't... except for when I'm running. So thank God we have running, huh???
Thanks for your openness to share your anxiety disorder. I can also fall into this list-living, obsessing over trivia, and losing the moment kind of life. Susan and I think you are awesome and love your honesty, humor, and gutsyness!
tom gaddis
It will all be OK :)I love you! I don't think it is making the lists and doing the errands that is the problem...at least for me. It is the "It doesn't matter if the list is finished when you close your eyes" part. Because after all, it doesn't matter. What matters is that your family knows you love them and feels that love, that you don't have to constantly worry, that you can enjoy your life....because it is oh so short and goes my oh so fast. Again, I love you! A lot. And I can't wait until you are my sister :)
XOXOX
The first step is awareness . . . I hope you can continue and work through this.
I wonder if all the doing is a result of not believing that you are lovable. Maybe accepting that could be a key. Your family will not feel loved and treasured until you are able to love the precious you that you are.
Love you dear Elissa!
OHHHHH Lissa. You're Tim! I want him to read your blog so he can just point to it and say "yeah, what SHE said". You've come a long way sister. You will continue to become the person you strive to be, I will love you the whole time.
Elissa, I just read the whole thing and wow, you explained yourself so well I really liked it! You should be extremely proud of yourself for being able to identify the big picture, really hard for a lot of people. With that said, I hope you see results that follow! Miss you xoxo
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