i'm not sure... of anything spiritual... except jesus... i'm just not sure... this is so annoying. i'm tired of being in this place of 'not sure'. i'm such a passionate person; full of conviction... definitely not the passive type. definitely not the even keel, go with the flow type. definitely not...
"i'm gonna buy a gun and start a war... if you give me something worth fighting for." that's me. i'll die for it; whatever it is. i'll i give my blood and sweat to protect it. just tell me what the fuck it is.
but i'm not gonna believe you if you tell me. i'm still not gonna be sure. it's not rebellion. maybe it used to be. but i would welcome rebellion right now. at least it would be passionate. even if it was wrong it would be full of drive and life. but it's not. it's just 'not sure'.
this last year i've become willing; willing to believe that truth might be what i thought it was. i certainly don't believe it is, but i'm willing to think it might be. and once again like i've said a million times, at this point it's only jesus i believe in; and only because he's the best for me. if it's all a hoax then who cares? the hoax works for me. other than that what is there?
but i'm ready for more. i'm ready to believe in more and fight for more. i just need to know what more is.
5 comments:
I feel this way a lot. I think that's why I freak out to the hilt about things that aren't really that important to anyone else. We are warrior women; knights errant looking for a good cause, waiting for Jesus to tell us where to fight.
Love your honesty!
Totally with you here. Totally.
(just popped on here after reading your comment on Skylana's blog.. hope you don't mind)
thanks for stopping by noelle :)
Elissa, What you describe, John of the Cross (an anchient writer) called "the dark night of the soul. If our relationship is ever to become our own we loose it all but Jesus and wait to see what is real. Many never come to the place you have allowed yourself. Many shrink back and clutch their religion around then and go on.
It is a hard place..all is dark and nothing can be "clutched". Fighters (or rebels) have it hard because their identity is in a large part befined by what they fight for..your description is amazing. It brought home to me the pain of your journey. Keep going...I think that this is the point of life that the verse, "If any man come after me he must take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it but whoever loses his life for me will find it. What good will it be if he gains the whole world, yet forfets his soul? What can a man give in exchange for his soul?
I love you Elissa..keep ahold of Jesus and don't fear that "dark night of the soul".
I am leaving this as anonymous because I STILL can't figure out how to comment on your blog..I signed up..everything I know how to do...how frustrating. Love you..Jenny
jenny i've read what you wrote a lot of times... i appreciate it so much... i needed to hear it... i love you too...
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