running

anyone tired of reading blogs about running? it's funny because a lot of us know each other and read one another's blogs so everyone might be sick of it. but oh well because i can't help it.

so i signed up for the 1/2 marathon in may... it overwhelms me because i could hardly get up to get my brownie a little while ago... but i'm plugging away and have amazing inspirational friends that have paved a little highway for me.

after gabe was born i was so desperate to not get pregnant that i had the "shot"... it was the only thing that i felt would truly protect me from the horror of another pregnancy in my state. so it ruined me. i wish i would have researched and done my homework. bottom line is i became so incredibly depressed, tired, and miserable. i hated everyone and everything. plus gabe was up every two hours for the first eight months so i hardly slept. PLUS josh got laid off and the other unnamed drama was still going strong. it was a horrible time of my life. i got so incredibly addicted to sugar and caffeine. i got skinny but could hardly get my kids in the car without getting out of breath. i'm not exaggerating. caffeine kept me going and sugar made me not hungry. i didn't care to change because i was so depressed.

so i figured out what the problem was. a naturalist gave me supplements to help get the shot out of my system (it took over a year), and a therapist told me to start exercising. so i went back to karate. it was hard but i began to feel alive again. i decided i wanted to get my black belt and start trying to get into the nursing program. i guess i decided to come back to life. well to get my black belt i knew i would have to get in better shape and it was daunting. since my chemistry class is on karate nights i thought i would start running to prepare for the test later in the year.

so the running (consistently) started about a month ago. it was like death. seriously horrrrrrible. when i was in india i ran because i got fat, but it was never as hard as the first recent week was. but then all my hero friends encouraged me and i couldn't stop. i guess that's not saying much since it's only been four weeks but i can feel my body and myself coming back.

this sounds stupid i guess but i'm noticing differences in every area of my life. i'm cleaning significantly less. i can actually sit still and let my kids make a mess. (as long as the mess is contained haha.) i have glimpses of peace. and more than anything, i feel inspired as to my own potential and the potential of my family. we are capable of whatever we set out to do.

i'm willing to say now that the misery just may have been worth it if this is a glimpse of the person i can be.

i am doubting my own ability to pull this 13.1 miles off so soon. especially coming from where i was. but i ran five miles this morning when i couldn't run .25 two months ago. i will give it everything i am. when the semester is over i'm sure all of this running will help me in training for my shodan.

i'm inspired by everyone around me. by the people that set out on difficult and insanely hard goals and accomplish them. i'm inspired my husband for seeing me through this horrible time and for still having such love for me. i'm inspired my kids for their sweetness and endless forgiveness of my impatience. and i'm inspired by my self. i know i'm capable.

my identity is not specifically being a wife or mother or a student or a runner. my identity is all the facets of my life that contribute to who i am. yes, my family. yes, my running and karate. yes, my educational goals and music. it's all part of who i am. there is much of me i have yet to discover. i just lost me for a while but it's back. i'll lose it again i'm sure. that's just life. for the time being i'm feeling very blessed to have come out of the valley that i was in.


wooohooo for running!!! woohooo for everyone that loves me and supports me... big thank you... <3