breaking heart

watching all these people in pain. i have cried a lot the last few days on not one tear was for me. it's weird. i mean i want to have a heart and be sensitive but i'm seriously hurting. it's painful to care. now i remember why i tried so hard to be tough and distance myself from grief... from people grieving. i know now that i could never be a councilor or or a social worker or anything like that. i'm just consumed with the desire to fix it and change things and i can't rest or sleep. i'm too busy being sad for everyone. it's ridiculous.

especially the kids. i don't cry until i start thinking about the kids. in all the scenarios i am faced with in my life, the kids are what breaks my heart the most. the kids in haite; the kids of my friends; the kids that i pass by that looked unloved or uncared for. even my own kids. the pain these children have experienced and even worse... the pain they will experience. there is nothing i can do. i can't stop it. it's so sad.

jesus must be so sad a lot.

but i'm glad i feel. even though it hurts and sometimes i don't know what to do with it, i'm glad the pain is there. it means i'm alive.

oh and please god be with the kids.