job's wife

it must be really annoying to those of you who keep up with me because it's the same ol story all the time; just gets worse. i feel bad and have considered giving up writing because it's almost embarrassing. but i'm not going to. at least not yet. depends on how low this goes.

i had epiphany on sunday. i've been holding back because i don't feel that i'm ready. in a million ways i don't feel ready. i don't feel like i am strong enough or christian enough to do the million things i want to do. i don't believe the things that i should believe. i keep waiting to become ready. this approach isn't working. so all of sudden it hit me that i'm the one holding me back. i keep letting my life happen to me. i'm not taking control of my life. i'm just being tossed around and ground down; not taking initiative; not standing back up when i fall down; just falling and falling and falling.

the truth is i know i have a hell of a lot more in me than this. i'm pretty tough. i always was. when did i give up? i know when. i know what happened and why i did. but i'm stronger than this. taking a plunge does not make me weak. it makes me strong. it didn't take me long at all to become job's wife; someone that gave up and ceased giving hope. it didn't take much for me to lose my faith. i have a pretty low threshold for faith losing i guess.

i keep thinking i'm ready and try to get up and i never know where to start or how to do it. tomorrow i need to make the call. i'm going to do it.