so it wasn't anxiety for once. well, i guess in a way it was but in an unusual way. i want my husband to love me. so bad. i guess he does but i have all these stupid ways of trying to find out. anyways last week some things came out between us that probably needed to. despite how uncomfortable it was, i kind of think it needed to happen. there are some things i just need to trust. i need to stop trying to test everything. my husband loves me. he does. a lot.
then he left town. this trip has been planned forever but i just didn't like the timing. i was feeling incredibly insecure and emotional about our week from hell.
so he just called me and i was feeling pathetic and needy. bummer. i am so dependent on his moods, reactions, feelings, that i lose myself. my entire life is so immeshed with josh and these children. who the hell am i anymore? i'm scared that what i feel will cause a loss of love. i portray what i think will be acceptable. how miserable. for me and him.
anyways, i think this is part of the reason i've been so blah. i had a really helpful talk with a special someone who is so balanced in the arena. i felt at ease after hearing the way she handles herself with the other facets of her life. i think coordinate is the word. this is possible. it is possible to coordinate my needs and the needs of my family.
i think that despite common cultural christian opinion, (the three c's heh heh), i need to take care of myself before i can truly take care of my family. if i am haggard and not making my needs (and desires) known, they will sense that i am worn thin and ragged.
i never thought i'd say this, but i think i need to start loving myself before i can pour out.
7 comments:
the north county christian poster child in me wants to stand up from the front pew and cry a great big 'amen sistah' to this. all of it. why do we women depend SO MUCH on our husbands affirmation? i feel pathetic that i care so much but i just cant help myself, and yes it feels desperate and needy and i never used to think of myself this way.... gahhhhh. anyway. im glad youre coming to terms with taking care of some of the many of your complex needs as a woman... not just a wife and mom. and on days when i want to follow the voices into the jungle and drink the kool aide... i just try to remember that a LOT of stellar moms feel this way and im not suffering (with myself) all alone. xo
i love you.
i agree with Beth. This has been a huge struggle for me as well. And I notice that when i'm neglecting myself I feel inadequate in all the other arena's of my life. Like I can't live up to my own expectations of what a mother and wife should be. Whereas when I am making sure my needs are fulfilled it's like everything else just falls into line. sigh. I wish my future self could write a handbook and send it back in time . . .
You have hit the nail on the head. Unless/until you learn to love/take care of yourself the frustration/emptiness will continue. Remember back to the child you were, take her hand in yours and don't let go, give her the love she did not get, you can do it! The second greatest commandment is to love your neighbor as yourself...the first is to love God with everything you have...until you actually do the latter you cannot fully love your neighbor/friends or God to the fullest extent....loving you is the key!
ummm i'm not sure who you are or if you even know me but the "little child" got a lot of love and whether you were there or not, you weren't me so you can't possibly know that.
Your right, I don't know you or your past! Way to much assumption on my part, so sorry! I was commenting about your statement: i never thought i'd say this....
i'm sorry for coming across so aggressive. this is a sensitive subject for me because many people assume they know me and my history because they know "about" me and my family. the heart of what you said was kind and i appreciate it.
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