Gwen

Gwen always brings me a little cup for her to put her snacks in. She likes them to be contained and neat. Sometimes its grapes or cheerios. Today it was pretzels. She was eating her pretzels neatly on the coffee table, when she announced that she needed water. She then went and got a cup and got herself some water only to come back and find that Gabe (who is not so orderly) had massacred her neat little situation by pouring out the pretzels and pounding them into the table and carpet. Upon seeing the situation I expected Gwen to cry or smack Gabe. Instead she shrugged her shoulders dramatically, and sighed heavily. "Bubby," she said, "Next time just ask me. Just ask me Bubby."

She is such a sweet heart. I can't believe what a little miracle she is. She sits next to me and copies my mannerisms and words. Puts her hands on her hips and says, "Mummy, I think, I no like that," when she disagrees with me. She crosses her legs and curtsies when she is showing off her dress. She always makes sure that Gabe gets equal attentions from both strangers and loved ones.

She is kind and considerate; impulsive and dramatic. She is lovely and quirky and energetic. She is such a lady and such a kid.

She is just beautiful and i'm so happy that of all the possibilities, she was the one that made me a mom.

it won't always feel like this

gabe was up all night and gwen was up on and off. both were NOT happy. i was running from one to the other all night trying to soothe them while feeling like i was the one that needed to be soothed. in the midst of all this scurrying around and exhaustion, i remembered what my mom used to tell me when things were hard.

it won't always feel like this.

i usually took this into consideration when a trial in my life was happening. i thought of it in a broad sense. but since my anxiety has become such an overwhelming factor in my life i thought i could apply it to small issues that feel big. like both kids screaming in the middle of the night. i said it to myself over and over again. it won't always feel like this. it won't always feel like this. there will be a time when they will fall asleep. eventually it is bound to happen. and eventually it did.

it works in a broad sense also. i won't always have anxiety if i work hard at overcoming it. i won't always have kids that are so needy. they will get older and i probably will miss it someday. i won't always be scared about money. i won't always be sad. these things evolve and change. many of them i have control over, and many of them i can adjust. some of them just have to run their course. but...

it won't always feel like this.

medication

so... i was getting better. totally better. enjoying my kids, my life. resting. not compulsively cleaning all the time. i could let crumbs fall and not rush to vacuum them. i could let my kids tear apart my house without panic attacks. i could talk about money with my husband without my heart rate accelerating and my breathing becoming difficult. i had a glimpse of what peace may feel like.

something happened. i can't really tie it to one specific incident but it was about three weeks ago when it all came crashing down. worse. much worse. the panic attacks were (are) almost violent. i truly feel that i may be having a heart-attack when it happens. the worst part is the inability to breath. the constriction of my lungs makes it feel like i have asthma or something. i don't. i can't sleep. i lay there feeling my heart beating a million beats a minute. listening to the sound of my husband breathing. my kids breathing. counting their breaths. hearing every rustle outside. every creak inside.

wine is the only thing that remotely relaxes me. i don't like that. i don't like needing something to function (or not function). i don't even like needing deodorant to not stink much less a substance to allow me to sleep.

i have always felt that medication is a cop-out. a surrender to something negative that could be solved with hard work and endurance. i have felt that it postpones the problem instead of fixing it. it creates other problems instead of solving the one. i don't even like taking tylenol. since i was very young i refused vaccines and even cough syrup. i don't want to need anything.

so now i am a mother. i am responsible for these little lives. i watch gwen react to my panic and try to compensate. i watch her stress level go up. i watch her compulsively clean because she sees me do it. my heart is breaking because my stupid pathetic problem is hurting her.

today josh told me it may be time to talk about it. not to take it. just to talk about it. my therapist said that i'm getting down to some hard things and it may get worse before it gets better. she was right but i really don't think i can handle much more. they both have told me that it doesn't have to be forever. maybe just a couple of months. maybe just a prescription that i can take when the panic attacks happen instead of a pill i have to take every day.

i am still nursing. this makes me a little relieved because i can't do anything right away. i don't want this, but i'm not functioning. i can't continue like this. i want to get better. i want to face head on all the things that i have been hiding from. i want to walk forward instead of staying stagnant. i would rather do this without medication. i hope i can but i am not holding my breath.