music again

today i pulled out my guitar. it's been a while. it was nice to hold her again.

before i got married i wrote a song that i really loved but didn't quite understand. every other time i had written a song it fit into my life somehow. this song was random and i couldn't really place it. i haven't written one since. there were a lot of years where i lost all sense of creativity and passion.

well, when i played my song today it made me cry. it fit. i wrote it for now but i just didn't know it then. i'm not really big on believing in gods involvement in such small matters. i could be wrong of course, but it's hard for me to believe in it because of all the suffering in the world. when there are countless hungry and hurting, children and families, it is hard for me to think that god gave me this song. in spite of this skepticism, i felt an incredible sense of gratitude that my song touched me after all these years. it feels more like a prophecy and is so applicable to me today.

i'm slowly coming back and and as i do so, i am hit again and again how much music ministers to me. coming back isn't easy. sometimes i feel like it gets much worse and sometimes i'm not even sure if i am getting better. i'm not sure about this or much else, but there are glimpses here and there of beauty.

karate

ok let's be clear... i never said that my new years resolution was dorky... i said that i think making them is sort of dorky... and then i made one... which is to get my black belt. that's what happens on facebook haha. lots of misunderstandings...

i could never think getting my black belt is dorky. karate is such a part of who i am. i've been training since my family broke up. that was like fifteen years ago? i think my parents wanted to get me in something to distract me and help my coordination or something. it did both for sure.

so there have been a lot of distractions over the years. i've had to take breaks for various reasons. but i've had amazing teachers who have believed in me and have taught me so much about karate as well as a different way of thinking. before i went to india i was supposed to test for shodan (black), and i didn't. then i was overseas for a couple years on and off. then i got married and had babies. finally last year i went back and it was hard to stay consistent because of school but i decided i just have to do it. it's been so long and after all this time and effort i HAVE to.

a quick soapbox for my lady readers... every woman should know how to defend herself. even if she never has to use it, it becomes a part of her confidence and who she is. LEARN HOW.

weird

to you who are not talking to me but reading my blog... (we both know who you are), it's weird...

just talk to me!!! a nice talk (or even a hard talk) could bring closure to what was a negative situation...

just contact me... this is so dumb.

best christmas ever

on another note:

i enjoyed my sweet little family so much for christmas. i know that finding my own song has to do with them. they are my future. i am responsible for shaping these precious little lives and this makes me so blessed.

gwen is doing and saying so many hilarious things. she gets really territorial and fights with gabe a lot for attention from people she loves. we were going over to my uncle jim and aunt rita's house and gwen is in the car explaining to gabe that he is her uncle. i told her that that isn't true. "gwen, he is both of your uncles." she looked at me like i was crazy and said, "mummy there isn't two uncle jims!" she is so full of life and spunk. i love every little thing about her.


gwen reading to us.

gabe is going through this phase where he is obsessed with his shoes and socks. he is constantly talking about his socks and every other word of gibberish has something to do with them. if someone takes off their shoes he gets very concerned and brings them to the person immediately so they will put them back on. he is such a little thinker. he analyzes and figures everything out. he is calm most of the time but ohhh so determined and stubborn when he sets himself on something. his little voice is the cutest thing i've every heard.


new shoes.


these little guys made christmas magical. watching them experience it was the very best part. i took down decorations yesterday and gwen told me that she wants it to be christmas all the time. haha i guess i do too.

oh ya... and the husband ;)

finding my song again

sometimes i don't have words...

sometimes someone else much more talented and gifted wrote them for me...

sometimes i feel like i'm getting better and then all of the sudden i'm grieving again... loss. loss. loss.





listen to this song like you've never listened to it. the commonality can take away the magic. pretend it isn't mainstream and hear it with you heart. it's musically genius when no matter who you are you can relate to the story the song is telling. i think most people could if they really listened.

what used to be natural and pure and sweet is now tired and worn. it drags and all the absolutes that i used to base my beliefs on are gone. all the people i trusted implicitly disappointed me. they hurt me and then when they were done hurting me, they hurt me again. my family slipped away. twice. yes, it used to be so easy; so sweet; but i can't remember. i can't feel it anymore.

tomorrow i will get up again and begin. and when i slip again, i'll begin again. i'll never stop trying to find my song again.

choose happiness?

really?

i got into an interesting conversation with someone today regarding "happiness". i'm curious to learn what my readers think about this. is happiness a choice? if we think happy, choose happy, and send out happiness into the universe will we be happy? i know a lot of people think this so i'm curious to know the reasoning behind it.

i don't seek happiness. i couldn't care less about it. it is so fleeting and seems sort of shallow. i'd like to have peace contentment though. but i don't think that these things are choices either. my thinking is that wherever we are is where we need to be. not that we need to be stuck, but we need to be honest. if we choose to be something that we aren't, we are just lying to ourselves. ten steps down the road i'd like to have more peace but that doesn't mean i think i can choose it now. i'd like to make choices that facilitate peace but i honestly don't think i can outright make a choice to be peaceful. it's not that simple.

whether someone believes that these things come from god, or that they come from our own conquering of negative energy, i do believe that they are attainable... attainable through honesty and certain principles... if i wake up tomorrow and i'm miserable, i am NOT going to try not to be miserable. i'm gonna be miserable. i'm gonna try to figure out why. i'm gonna make choices that may or may not help my miserableness.

haven't we all met people that are exuding this crazy, bizarre, fake, happiness? this is what i mean:


SCARY

i guess my main problem is people that are trying to be better, less fearful, less angry and more happy. it's commendable to seek to be a better person but to do it as facade for how they are really feeling is just postponing true health. what do you guys think about this?

my dear sweet husband

this is picture on the way to vegas... 9/09





this entry is for my husband... today i took my final for my anatomy class... anyone who knows me knows that this class has kicked my ass. it has been my first class for six years. i had an F for the first half of the semester. many times i was gonna quit... many times josh encouraged me. three nights a week he took care of the kids and everything else so i could study. he quized me for hours on end before tests. he rallied me. i thought i was barely gonna pass this class. tonight was my final and i got a B. i got a B in the whole class! i started crying when i found out. i know i have a long haul for this degree but the way that my husband has been there for me has given me so much hope for the my future in school. thank you babe. i love you so much.