homesick

don't mind the portuguese subtitles...






this perfectly depicts family to me.

running in the grocery store

i always run into people in the grocery store; sort of a lot. a lot of times i'm ducking down aisles to avoid seeing them. it's really annoying. i'm not the kind of person to run from anything really, but i run from these people because i don't really like them and i just plain don't want to see them.

i'm sure the feeling is mutual and they don't like me very much either. maybe some of them hate me. in my previous 'post-current me' perspective i pretty much thought they were douche-bags and couldn't care less. now i don't think that they are douche-bags. i think they are human beings with a valid perspective. so much of the turmoil in many of my relationships has nothing to do with me anyway. it just has to do with people close to me. but there are still things i have done that i am not proud of. i want to make things right. not because i want them to stop hating me. i really don't care about that. i just think it's the right thing to do.

so this has been bugging me. i don't want there to be anyone in my life that i run from in the grocery store; anyone that i haven't apologized to or made an effort with. now i know that i don't literally have to run from them, but the inclination to avoid is what i don't like. if there is anything that i can do to make things right, i want to do it.

my first attempt landed me on my ass.

i started with the first person i think i seriously wronged. i haven't seen them for ten odd years. it went terrible. now if i saw them in the grocery store i would bolt like lightning. it makes me sad because my intentions were to mend a bridge and i totally blew it to smithereens. but i tried and that's that.

i'm not gonna try to be friends with everyone or trust everyone. that's not what i'm talking about. i'm talking about making peace; saying apologies that need to be said and moving on. i know i probably won't be able to live at peace with everyone. but i certainly am going to try.

a christian who says the f word

someone today emailed me and ask me to refrain from cursing on other people's comments on facebook. this person isn't my friend in real life or on facebook but we have some mutual friends.

anyways, my initial feeling was "f you". you all will be proud of me because i didn't say that. (well most of you; a few are probably disappointed.)

it seriously surprises me that people think that this is a problem. i mean i can see if there are kids involved, or even if the word is said in person. but on someone's fb page? like, what is going to happen to you when you read it? will it make you stumble? i really don't get it. but there are probably a lot of people that are offended by it and as much as i like to stir things up and cause controversy, i truly don't want to offend anyone.

anyway, i told this person that i would respect their wishes. they ask if i was a professing christian. i'm assuming to explain how i shouldn't talk like that because the bible says so or something. when i was faced with that question i really didn't know how to respond. i love jesus! i love him so much. only because of my own life and my own experience. i don't know what is right for everyone else. i definitely want to find more of him. i even want to submit to other people i trust and learn more of why and what i believe. but i'm so hesitant to say i'm a christian because of the wide scope of possibilities that this could mean.

i'm still saying i'm a christian because i am. it's stupid to say that i'm not just because of what this could mean to someone else. i should only make a profession for or against christianity for me and god, regardless of anyone else. and despite the cringing inside of me at the thought of all the things that "christian" could mean, it means something beautiful to me. it means jesus is my hero; that i want to be like him... not who everyone else thinks he is but who i believe he is.

anyways, so i'm a christian who says the f word.

fireflies

certain songs bring me back from death... death meaning the lack of life, true passion and drive...

the power behind the arts is amazing... humans are such deep creatures; so deeply faceted. so much in us cannot be expressed through simple living. this is not a plain cookie cutter black and white reality. the absolutes are fuzzy and no one is really right. music is the only thing that can express and touch without validity or proof. it just does and is and no one can prove it or explain it.

what does this ridiculous song mean to you? perhaps it is just stupid gibberish. but not to me. it lightens my grey nothingness. i see yellow specks within my shadows and they are full of spunk and flames. often when i am hiding and sinking, i withdraw from everything including music and art. but it always finds me. i can't stay away. it draws me out and forces me to grieve so i can move on. facing music is like facing everything i'm trying to push down and avoid. i hear it and immediately cry. and then for some reason it's beautiful but i can't explain it.

thank you owl city for fireflies.

christmas

most of you know my christmas background. it's not much. we never celebrated it when i was a kid. and that's fine. thanksgiving was awesome; it was just like christmas is except not pretending it's jesus' birthday.

it's not his birthday. it's just a holiday that has no origins in jesus and christianity. it annoys me that people try to make it about him. back in the day constantine did and now we still are. people just mix and mesh god and jesus in all of their holidays and i don't get why. worship jesus and have your holidays. don't give jesus a fake birthday.

don't get me wrong, i like christmas. i think i may be starting to love it. my kids are like little versions of me experiencing this holiday. we are both newbies at it. it a time to create special memories and we are making some already. it's nice that christmas is so special to josh and he is helping me figure it all out.

but this year i'm gonna celebrate christmas. i'm gonna celebrate this time with my family. i'm gonna be thankful to my version of who god is. but i'm certainly not going to make this holiday about jesus' birthday.

random

so this is probably my favorite one of these yet... i thought they were just soooo unbelievably shallow until i caught the new ones on E tonight and wow... holly and bridget were great... i sorta liked them all along anyways. but it's a great picture and i believe in it so there ya go.

on another note, i'm so frustrated with all the emails i'm getting from readers that want to comment but my site won't let them. it's very fRUStrating. so until i figure this little problem out, just email your comments and i'll post them. i like them being on the site so people can read other people's thoughts and opinions. anyways we'll see if i can figure this out.

regarding my last post, i made the call. the ball is rolling and i'm instantly terrified and want to retract everything i said. but i'm not going to... i'm gonna grow if it kills me. and it probably will.

job's wife

it must be really annoying to those of you who keep up with me because it's the same ol story all the time; just gets worse. i feel bad and have considered giving up writing because it's almost embarrassing. but i'm not going to. at least not yet. depends on how low this goes.

i had epiphany on sunday. i've been holding back because i don't feel that i'm ready. in a million ways i don't feel ready. i don't feel like i am strong enough or christian enough to do the million things i want to do. i don't believe the things that i should believe. i keep waiting to become ready. this approach isn't working. so all of sudden it hit me that i'm the one holding me back. i keep letting my life happen to me. i'm not taking control of my life. i'm just being tossed around and ground down; not taking initiative; not standing back up when i fall down; just falling and falling and falling.

the truth is i know i have a hell of a lot more in me than this. i'm pretty tough. i always was. when did i give up? i know when. i know what happened and why i did. but i'm stronger than this. taking a plunge does not make me weak. it makes me strong. it didn't take me long at all to become job's wife; someone that gave up and ceased giving hope. it didn't take much for me to lose my faith. i have a pretty low threshold for faith losing i guess.

i keep thinking i'm ready and try to get up and i never know where to start or how to do it. tomorrow i need to make the call. i'm going to do it.