to all the ones i love

i never was a merciful person. if someone was depressed i just thought they should get over it. if they were mean or abusive i would just think they are a bad person. i'm not sure what happened or when. but my heart breaks for all the people around me that are doing shitty things. my heart breaks for the people judging them; for the people that are reacting in fear and anger; for the people that are doing what they do because they are broken and don't know what else to do.

i'm sad for everyone that is angry with everyone else. i'm sad for the people that are making judgements without knowing the history or the reasons. i wish everyone would try to understand that they might not know. they may be wrong. they might not know the whole story.

everyone has a perspective. everyone's perspective is valuable. everyone's perspective is valid to them.

i'm not gonna be a republican anymore

so i have decided not to be a republican anymore. or conservative. or whatever. i know what i mean. my identity is so wrapped up in this. my brother hit the nail on the head. passionate just to be passionate. i believe in conservatism because i'm a passionate person and everything else in my life is in limbo. it's the only thing i KNOW.

anyways, i intend to find another place to channel my passion. i think this has been a rouse to distract me from finding what i believe.

i guess what i'm trying to say is i need to figure out this whole "god" thing. i want him. i believe in him. i will follow him. but that's about it. i don't know him. i don't understand him and i have no passion regarding him. politics has been getting in the way.

so it's official. i'm not a republican anymore. i'm nothing until i figure out what i am.

bitterness

i've been thinking lately about bitterness. especially toward god. there are all sorts of extremes and a variety of slants, but it's pretty much everywhere. everyone is biased and to some degree, they are bitter.

i've been noticing that most people that are bitter toward god are not really bitter toward him. they are bitter toward people. christians. and i don't blame them. christians are the worst. and the best, but also the worst. so the last couple of days i have been doing a run down in my head of all obviously bitter friends i have. (the other ones are just hiding it.) i could only think of one of them that seems to be purely angry with god. no one else. why did god let this happen? the rest of the group have been tainted by the worst of human nature and what used to be about god isn't really about him. it's just about some douchbags that ruined god's name.

so then i thought about me. i thought that i was bitter at the people too. if someone were to ask me and i had to answer quickly, i would have said it was the people. and perhaps it was for a while. but i think i'm really bitter at god. if i was the only one left and it was just me and him, i think i would still say, "what the hell?" (while bowing reverently because he's still god.)

i hate it when songs become mainstream because i feel like they lose their power. i feel like i wrote this song before i heard it everywhere. not really. but really i did.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fs51Fo9fuGM

i love it how god is portrayed as standing on a street corner smoking a cigarette. i love how the writer reverently inquires but also shows his frustration at what he feels is complete abandonment. complete abandonment. ya, he found me, but there isn't much left.

vegas

so we're going to vegas. really it's a miracle trip because it's free and everything worked out so perfectly. i was just telling josh that i want three days away with him and we got offered the trip less than twelve hours later. i don't remember life with my husband without kids. the most we've ever been away alone together in three years was to pismo for twelve hours. which was great, i'm not complaining or anything. but wow. three whole days. two nights. staying up all night knowing i can sleeping in. gin and tonic. nachos. dancing like crazy teenagers while wearing a mini and three inch heels. (me, not josh heh heh.) winning lots and lots of money. hahaha. not serious on the last one. but the rest of it i'm so excited about.

the last time we were in vegas we were getting married!!!! (for the second time.)

take care of myself

last week was a bad week. real bad. mostly i'm writing about negative things right now. i'm not gonna lie, i feel like there are a lot of negative things in my life. so if you read my blog that's mostly what you'll come across. but i know that my perspective is part of the problem. either way, i have no desire to pretend or put up some front that is a facade to who or where i really am.

so it wasn't anxiety for once. well, i guess in a way it was but in an unusual way. i want my husband to love me. so bad. i guess he does but i have all these stupid ways of trying to find out. anyways last week some things came out between us that probably needed to. despite how uncomfortable it was, i kind of think it needed to happen. there are some things i just need to trust. i need to stop trying to test everything. my husband loves me. he does. a lot.

then he left town. this trip has been planned forever but i just didn't like the timing. i was feeling incredibly insecure and emotional about our week from hell.

so he just called me and i was feeling pathetic and needy. bummer. i am so dependent on his moods, reactions, feelings, that i lose myself. my entire life is so immeshed with josh and these children. who the hell am i anymore? i'm scared that what i feel will cause a loss of love. i portray what i think will be acceptable. how miserable. for me and him.

anyways, i think this is part of the reason i've been so blah. i had a really helpful talk with a special someone who is so balanced in the arena. i felt at ease after hearing the way she handles herself with the other facets of her life. i think coordinate is the word. this is possible. it is possible to coordinate my needs and the needs of my family.

i think that despite common cultural christian opinion, (the three c's heh heh), i need to take care of myself before i can truly take care of my family. if i am haggard and not making my needs (and desires) known, they will sense that i am worn thin and ragged.

i never thought i'd say this, but i think i need to start loving myself before i can pour out.

healthcare

i get it ok. i get why this thing was proposed. or at least i get why they are saying it was proposed. i don't think anyone can deny that this is a scary step in the direction of outrageous government control. if it stopped here maybe i wouldn't be so adamantly against this thing. but it won't stop here.

that saying, i think i feel more passionately about this issue than i ever have about anything controversial. i believe what i believe for a reason but i also respect and am open to all opinions because everyone is valuable and their experiences and opinions are as well.

here are some points i would like to make regarding this issue:

first of all, everyone can pull up a statistic or manipulate data to prove whatever point they want to prove. this can and has been done with this issue. anyone that is educated about surveys and how they are run knows this. the research i have done has led me to believe that the life expectancy in nationalized health-run countries is less, that the C-section rate is more, and that the care is generally bad. i have also read and talked with people that tell me just the opposite. but i believe that both views have been gotten and slanted both ways to create a desired outcome.

yes, there is a problem with the existing system. but i don't believe that more government control with fix the problem. (look at the difference between US Postal Service vs FedEx and UPS-even Obama admitted this). it will only create more monitoring. it will do what some people are saying insurance companies are doing, which is denying care that some deem necessary. the only difference is that our government instead or our insurance companies will be denying us. The corruption will still be there. Whether it is doctors immorally suggesting treatment for money, or insurance companies denying legitimate claims, or the government treating us like numbers and managing our care and quality of care based on what they deem necessary, CORRUPTION WILL HAPPEN.

At the this point the argument arises that debates the inherent nature of humans. I believe that every person has the potential for incredible good or incredible evil. Evil however will always exist. Do we all sacrifice a little of who we are and what we believe for the greater good? Perhaps if the greater good was really greater.

This is being presented as equality and it won't be. There is no such thing as equality. Our individual health care WILL BE taken away. It is so naive to think that we will be able to keep it as an option in the long run. Throughout history this has proven to be true. The French Revolution came about because of the terrible injustice and inequality between the very rich and very poor. We all know that the exact same thing happened when the poor took over and tried to create an equal system. Equality could not exist because of corruption. Communism was another attempt to create equality. It didn't work because of corruption.

I have always said that Communism is a great idea if corruption and greed did not exist. It is a beautiful theory. But it isn't real. It will never happen because of the potential of human nature.

This will not work.

in the middle

my self proclaimed job since i was little was being in the middle. facilitating communication. catching moments before they get awkward. sensing moods and making sure my actions encourage peace between parties. i don't think anyone specifically ask me to do this. but i think to some extent it was expected.

i don't blame my parents or siblings. i don't blame anyone really. everyone tried their best i think. it was a hard situation. situations. these personal expectations have been called upon several different times in my life. i honestly have believed it's my job. i believe i can make things better. that i can make people friends again. that all these people that i love can love each other again because of my assistance and involvement.

only recently i realized this is destroying me. it contributes to a great deal of my anxiety. i see everyone's perspective and i think that all opinions and feelings are of value. whether or not they are valid doesn't really matter to me. they are VALUABLE. why doesn't everyone else value them? why can't i make them?

yesterday was my brother's wedding. a day i wished for for years. i prayed he would find a wife for so long. he did. she is everything he needs. she fills every void he has and vice versa. i honestly think they are perfect for each other and for this reason i was exctatic about this day.

but it was also my worst nightmare. all these people in the same place that don't like each other. all these people that have all these opinions and feelings that are all valuable but don't coincide with each other. i am the common link. i love all of them!

it was hard but it was a victory. i didn't try to fix anything but my heart pounded as i anticipating the awkward interchanges and glares. instead of listening to people's opinions i planned on pretending to be occupied. surprisingly for the most part no one needed my help. the wedding was beautiful. i didn't do anything and nothing fell apart. everyone was mature and civil.

it definitely wasn't natural but for the most part i feel that it was a victory. then why do i feel so sad? i feel sad because i have been under a false impression that i can fix it. i have been wrong. i'm sad because i don't think it will every be fixed. i will be sad about this most likely for the rest of my life and i just now realized i can't do a damn thing about it. it will happen again with someone else i love. loss of relationship is sad and it is just a part of life.

it seems like my options now are cynicism or sacrificing myself to love that will only end in pain. i already did cynicism so i guess it's time for masochism.