vegas

so we're going to vegas. really it's a miracle trip because it's free and everything worked out so perfectly. i was just telling josh that i want three days away with him and we got offered the trip less than twelve hours later. i don't remember life with my husband without kids. the most we've ever been away alone together in three years was to pismo for twelve hours. which was great, i'm not complaining or anything. but wow. three whole days. two nights. staying up all night knowing i can sleeping in. gin and tonic. nachos. dancing like crazy teenagers while wearing a mini and three inch heels. (me, not josh heh heh.) winning lots and lots of money. hahaha. not serious on the last one. but the rest of it i'm so excited about.

the last time we were in vegas we were getting married!!!! (for the second time.)

take care of myself

last week was a bad week. real bad. mostly i'm writing about negative things right now. i'm not gonna lie, i feel like there are a lot of negative things in my life. so if you read my blog that's mostly what you'll come across. but i know that my perspective is part of the problem. either way, i have no desire to pretend or put up some front that is a facade to who or where i really am.

so it wasn't anxiety for once. well, i guess in a way it was but in an unusual way. i want my husband to love me. so bad. i guess he does but i have all these stupid ways of trying to find out. anyways last week some things came out between us that probably needed to. despite how uncomfortable it was, i kind of think it needed to happen. there are some things i just need to trust. i need to stop trying to test everything. my husband loves me. he does. a lot.

then he left town. this trip has been planned forever but i just didn't like the timing. i was feeling incredibly insecure and emotional about our week from hell.

so he just called me and i was feeling pathetic and needy. bummer. i am so dependent on his moods, reactions, feelings, that i lose myself. my entire life is so immeshed with josh and these children. who the hell am i anymore? i'm scared that what i feel will cause a loss of love. i portray what i think will be acceptable. how miserable. for me and him.

anyways, i think this is part of the reason i've been so blah. i had a really helpful talk with a special someone who is so balanced in the arena. i felt at ease after hearing the way she handles herself with the other facets of her life. i think coordinate is the word. this is possible. it is possible to coordinate my needs and the needs of my family.

i think that despite common cultural christian opinion, (the three c's heh heh), i need to take care of myself before i can truly take care of my family. if i am haggard and not making my needs (and desires) known, they will sense that i am worn thin and ragged.

i never thought i'd say this, but i think i need to start loving myself before i can pour out.

healthcare

i get it ok. i get why this thing was proposed. or at least i get why they are saying it was proposed. i don't think anyone can deny that this is a scary step in the direction of outrageous government control. if it stopped here maybe i wouldn't be so adamantly against this thing. but it won't stop here.

that saying, i think i feel more passionately about this issue than i ever have about anything controversial. i believe what i believe for a reason but i also respect and am open to all opinions because everyone is valuable and their experiences and opinions are as well.

here are some points i would like to make regarding this issue:

first of all, everyone can pull up a statistic or manipulate data to prove whatever point they want to prove. this can and has been done with this issue. anyone that is educated about surveys and how they are run knows this. the research i have done has led me to believe that the life expectancy in nationalized health-run countries is less, that the C-section rate is more, and that the care is generally bad. i have also read and talked with people that tell me just the opposite. but i believe that both views have been gotten and slanted both ways to create a desired outcome.

yes, there is a problem with the existing system. but i don't believe that more government control with fix the problem. (look at the difference between US Postal Service vs FedEx and UPS-even Obama admitted this). it will only create more monitoring. it will do what some people are saying insurance companies are doing, which is denying care that some deem necessary. the only difference is that our government instead or our insurance companies will be denying us. The corruption will still be there. Whether it is doctors immorally suggesting treatment for money, or insurance companies denying legitimate claims, or the government treating us like numbers and managing our care and quality of care based on what they deem necessary, CORRUPTION WILL HAPPEN.

At the this point the argument arises that debates the inherent nature of humans. I believe that every person has the potential for incredible good or incredible evil. Evil however will always exist. Do we all sacrifice a little of who we are and what we believe for the greater good? Perhaps if the greater good was really greater.

This is being presented as equality and it won't be. There is no such thing as equality. Our individual health care WILL BE taken away. It is so naive to think that we will be able to keep it as an option in the long run. Throughout history this has proven to be true. The French Revolution came about because of the terrible injustice and inequality between the very rich and very poor. We all know that the exact same thing happened when the poor took over and tried to create an equal system. Equality could not exist because of corruption. Communism was another attempt to create equality. It didn't work because of corruption.

I have always said that Communism is a great idea if corruption and greed did not exist. It is a beautiful theory. But it isn't real. It will never happen because of the potential of human nature.

This will not work.

in the middle

my self proclaimed job since i was little was being in the middle. facilitating communication. catching moments before they get awkward. sensing moods and making sure my actions encourage peace between parties. i don't think anyone specifically ask me to do this. but i think to some extent it was expected.

i don't blame my parents or siblings. i don't blame anyone really. everyone tried their best i think. it was a hard situation. situations. these personal expectations have been called upon several different times in my life. i honestly have believed it's my job. i believe i can make things better. that i can make people friends again. that all these people that i love can love each other again because of my assistance and involvement.

only recently i realized this is destroying me. it contributes to a great deal of my anxiety. i see everyone's perspective and i think that all opinions and feelings are of value. whether or not they are valid doesn't really matter to me. they are VALUABLE. why doesn't everyone else value them? why can't i make them?

yesterday was my brother's wedding. a day i wished for for years. i prayed he would find a wife for so long. he did. she is everything he needs. she fills every void he has and vice versa. i honestly think they are perfect for each other and for this reason i was exctatic about this day.

but it was also my worst nightmare. all these people in the same place that don't like each other. all these people that have all these opinions and feelings that are all valuable but don't coincide with each other. i am the common link. i love all of them!

it was hard but it was a victory. i didn't try to fix anything but my heart pounded as i anticipating the awkward interchanges and glares. instead of listening to people's opinions i planned on pretending to be occupied. surprisingly for the most part no one needed my help. the wedding was beautiful. i didn't do anything and nothing fell apart. everyone was mature and civil.

it definitely wasn't natural but for the most part i feel that it was a victory. then why do i feel so sad? i feel sad because i have been under a false impression that i can fix it. i have been wrong. i'm sad because i don't think it will every be fixed. i will be sad about this most likely for the rest of my life and i just now realized i can't do a damn thing about it. it will happen again with someone else i love. loss of relationship is sad and it is just a part of life.

it seems like my options now are cynicism or sacrificing myself to love that will only end in pain. i already did cynicism so i guess it's time for masochism.

Gwen

Gwen always brings me a little cup for her to put her snacks in. She likes them to be contained and neat. Sometimes its grapes or cheerios. Today it was pretzels. She was eating her pretzels neatly on the coffee table, when she announced that she needed water. She then went and got a cup and got herself some water only to come back and find that Gabe (who is not so orderly) had massacred her neat little situation by pouring out the pretzels and pounding them into the table and carpet. Upon seeing the situation I expected Gwen to cry or smack Gabe. Instead she shrugged her shoulders dramatically, and sighed heavily. "Bubby," she said, "Next time just ask me. Just ask me Bubby."

She is such a sweet heart. I can't believe what a little miracle she is. She sits next to me and copies my mannerisms and words. Puts her hands on her hips and says, "Mummy, I think, I no like that," when she disagrees with me. She crosses her legs and curtsies when she is showing off her dress. She always makes sure that Gabe gets equal attentions from both strangers and loved ones.

She is kind and considerate; impulsive and dramatic. She is lovely and quirky and energetic. She is such a lady and such a kid.

She is just beautiful and i'm so happy that of all the possibilities, she was the one that made me a mom.

it won't always feel like this

gabe was up all night and gwen was up on and off. both were NOT happy. i was running from one to the other all night trying to soothe them while feeling like i was the one that needed to be soothed. in the midst of all this scurrying around and exhaustion, i remembered what my mom used to tell me when things were hard.

it won't always feel like this.

i usually took this into consideration when a trial in my life was happening. i thought of it in a broad sense. but since my anxiety has become such an overwhelming factor in my life i thought i could apply it to small issues that feel big. like both kids screaming in the middle of the night. i said it to myself over and over again. it won't always feel like this. it won't always feel like this. there will be a time when they will fall asleep. eventually it is bound to happen. and eventually it did.

it works in a broad sense also. i won't always have anxiety if i work hard at overcoming it. i won't always have kids that are so needy. they will get older and i probably will miss it someday. i won't always be scared about money. i won't always be sad. these things evolve and change. many of them i have control over, and many of them i can adjust. some of them just have to run their course. but...

it won't always feel like this.

medication

so... i was getting better. totally better. enjoying my kids, my life. resting. not compulsively cleaning all the time. i could let crumbs fall and not rush to vacuum them. i could let my kids tear apart my house without panic attacks. i could talk about money with my husband without my heart rate accelerating and my breathing becoming difficult. i had a glimpse of what peace may feel like.

something happened. i can't really tie it to one specific incident but it was about three weeks ago when it all came crashing down. worse. much worse. the panic attacks were (are) almost violent. i truly feel that i may be having a heart-attack when it happens. the worst part is the inability to breath. the constriction of my lungs makes it feel like i have asthma or something. i don't. i can't sleep. i lay there feeling my heart beating a million beats a minute. listening to the sound of my husband breathing. my kids breathing. counting their breaths. hearing every rustle outside. every creak inside.

wine is the only thing that remotely relaxes me. i don't like that. i don't like needing something to function (or not function). i don't even like needing deodorant to not stink much less a substance to allow me to sleep.

i have always felt that medication is a cop-out. a surrender to something negative that could be solved with hard work and endurance. i have felt that it postpones the problem instead of fixing it. it creates other problems instead of solving the one. i don't even like taking tylenol. since i was very young i refused vaccines and even cough syrup. i don't want to need anything.

so now i am a mother. i am responsible for these little lives. i watch gwen react to my panic and try to compensate. i watch her stress level go up. i watch her compulsively clean because she sees me do it. my heart is breaking because my stupid pathetic problem is hurting her.

today josh told me it may be time to talk about it. not to take it. just to talk about it. my therapist said that i'm getting down to some hard things and it may get worse before it gets better. she was right but i really don't think i can handle much more. they both have told me that it doesn't have to be forever. maybe just a couple of months. maybe just a prescription that i can take when the panic attacks happen instead of a pill i have to take every day.

i am still nursing. this makes me a little relieved because i can't do anything right away. i don't want this, but i'm not functioning. i can't continue like this. i want to get better. i want to face head on all the things that i have been hiding from. i want to walk forward instead of staying stagnant. i would rather do this without medication. i hope i can but i am not holding my breath.