Blinded By Certainty

One of my very favorite pictures from back then.

Ten years ago a transition started for me that catapulted this journey of doubt and questioning.  Now looking back, this was the most heartbreaking event that I ever have been through; more than my divorce.  If I'm honest about it, it still aches when I think about it.  It was the most painful, life altering, earth crushing thing that could have ever happened to me.  And when this happened I started questioning; questioning everything.  Ten years of questioning has brought me here.  Ten years ago made me find who the new "me" was.

Up until this point I always pictured my own evolution as a human as "finished".  Looking back to my years as a teenager I was so sure I had found it; found that thing that I was looking for that would make me finished needing to grow.  I was incredibly concieted because I believed that I knew a secret that no one else knew.  "Truth" was mine; I had found it and my work was done.  Until this thing happened I was stuck in my sense of surety; blinded by my certainty.

And then my sense of security came crashing down along with my marriage and I craved to find myself.  I knew that I was in there somewhere and I had to find me.  I became fixated on finding my new truth and couldn't land because I never ever wanted to be sure again.  Sure didn't save me.  So for ten years I have continued to circle, continued to avoid landing, and resented any pressure to do so.

But lately I have found myself landing.  I don't feel a empty and lonely wandering like I have for ten years.  I have developed opinions about heavy duty principles that are engrained not only in religion, but in the expecations of our society.  And I have realized that I have evolved again.  Except this time I don't want to be stuck, because this won't be my last evolution.  I'm looking around me at people who are at different levels of their development, and I am realizing it is beautiful.  I look at my children who are so sure about some things that I know they will chuckle about later.  Why have I felt the need to rush this?  It is all part of our story.  It won't end on a certain day where we arrive at some destination of enlightenment.  Enlightenment is a journey that hopefully never ends.

I am so thankful that after ten years I have found my current enlightenment.  I have done a soft landing and I know will evolve again at some point but I'm settling in here for a while.



This song came on today and I remember listening to it trying to hold on the the fact that I would come out of this alive and well and better.  And I believe that I did.


https://youtu.be/WY0QcSQf_mc

"It started out as a feeling which then grew into a hope.
Which then turned into a quiet thought, which then turned into a quiet word.
And then that word grew louder and louder until it was a battle cry.
I'll come back when you call me.
No need to say goodbye.
Just because everything changing doesn't mean its never been this way before.
All you can do is try to know who your friends are as you head off to the war.
Pick a star on the dark horizon and follow the light.
You'll come back when it's over.
No need to say goodbye."

Half A Nurse

So you know that last few miles of a marathon that feel like they last for hours?  They hurt so bad and it is sheer WILL to make your legs go.  It's almost like time is going in slow motion and it feels like you are going in slow motion too.

All along this journey my biggest fear has been that I don't have what it takes.  I have always struggled in school.  I struggle with learning, especially in a classroom setting and my grades have always reflected this.  This first official year of the RN program I really zeroed in on some deficits that I have with auditory processing.  I was able to identify some of the struggles I have always vaguely known I have.  My biggest fear has always been that my very best would not be good enough; that I would give 100% and I would fall short; that I actually am not cut out for this.  

Even typing this the emotion of it is overwhelming to me.  One of the biggest challenges for me is that most people think I'm smarter, better, and more capable than I am.  They think I can run faster, get better grades, and do more than I actually can.  I feel like I am in a constant state of falling short from what is expected of me.  And I continue to have these goals that I purpose to achieve.  I'm getting older, I feel I should have accomplished more, and it feels all the time like these goals are beyond me.  But I've known I won't fall short for lack of trying.

This first year of nursing school has been terrifying.  I got in to this program by what I thought was a fluke.  I didn't think I deserved to be here. I have been surrounded by people far more capable and smarter than me. The testing was unlike any testing I have experienced and I was constantly meeting with teachers trying to figure out how to get the grades to get through this.  One clinical instructor specifically had some sort of contagious belief in me that carried me through that first semester..  She insisted  that I claim my place here.  She told me she had no doubt in me.  And then the second semester came.  I knew it would be the hardest.  Again I had a clinical instructor that required excellence and made me want to give every bit of my very best.  I am better because she saw it in me.  The hours that these women spent with me going over my care plans, and test questions was humbling.  They invested so much energy into teaching me how to think and into my practice.  I'm very lucky to have had specifically them as my mentors.

Starting  this semester, I knew that the 14.5 units along with working enough hours to keep my health benefits would stretch me very thin.  I knew that if I wanted to find the time to run, and make my almond milk, and my kids lunches, and cook meals from scratch, I would be up early and in bed late.  I knew that I wanted my kids to read, to not have screen time, and be outside and run and play.  All of these things take time, and my own investment.  I knew there would be very little time for me, and I knew that I absolutely would not be able to do it on my own.

As I was driving to school this morning for my last final I felt like I was in those last few miles of the marathon.  I was listening to this song and all of the sudden I knew that I had so much crying to do and I just had to keep it together until it was over.  I still was scared I wouldn't pass the test just like I always am.  I was shaking just like I always am.  And then it was over and yes I cried.  A lot.  I did what I really didn't know I could do.  And I did it while keeping to every goal I set to keep.  From my grades, to my mileage, to the way I fed my family.  

As I look back at this semester I am struck by all the people that came out of the woodwork to rally behind me.  I have the most amazing village.  I called on every person for every favor imaginable and I am so thankful from the bottom of my soul to everyone that believed in me and picked up all the slack that I couldn't manage.  

To all the "you's" out there who came up behind me and held me up when it was too much:  Every time you took care of the kids so I could stay for lab.  Every little baking ingredient you gave me when I always forgot something at the store.  Every time you dropped bread off for the kid's lunch sandwiches.  Every time you sent me a word of encouragement.  Every time you picked up my kids to go have fun so I could study.  I have the most incredible amazing village and I'm unbelievably humbled by it.  And to my nursing school family.  You know who you are.  I know I couldn't have gotten through those hours of coffee, prosecco and muffins without you. This sounds like I'm getting an academy award, but for reals I'm just very thankful.

And from what I've heard the hardest part is over.  I'm still not a nurse.  But I am literally closer than I ever thought I could get.  

https://youtu.be/BokWa9GN4Ro