if i die young

i love this song... for a lot of reasons... its got that folksy thing i'm all about... maybe it's the whole 30 thing... seeing people die... seeing babies born... seeing my children struggle... figuring out what i believe this whole life is about...

i always kinda had this feeling i would die young... there was a part of me that didn't mind this... i figured i would experience a whole long list of stories enough for a few lives and die when i'm still trail blazing through them...

when i had kids i felt a little trapped... there's no way i can be crazy and live the life that will tempt the possibility of risk.  it's a different sort of risk.  it's my very soul out there living and walking and breathing with every danger facing them.   i can't protect them like i want to.  it's the ultimate loss of control and the ultimate blinding, searing, heartwrenching love.  i feel that in many ways i am much older than i am.  i feel that i have lived a lifetime already. 

in this entitled country we might not see the cycle in the same way.   i believe that most people can't have a world view unless they've seen multiple cultures and ranges of quality of life.  there is something about seeing life, death, pain, and joy in different cultures.  it makes us all the same somehow.

i've experienced everything that i knew-that i knew-that i knew come crashing down: twice.  i've loved with all my heart and been left crushed.  i've survived only because my children needed me.  i've come back.  i've loved again.  i've grasp the second vision for my life.  i'm just one of the billions of people in this world that have struggled and fought and lived and lost and lived again.  we are all the same.

every time i type someone's date of birth at work when i'm registering them as a patient, i think about that day.  i think about their mom pregnant with them.  i wonder if she was over due or early.  i wonder if she loved her baby; if she wanted them.  i wonder what sort of story they had.  if they are young i wonder if someone tucks them in at night... if they are old i think about what they must have been like when they thought they would never get old.  i think about that invincible feeling that young people have.  we are so stupid.  before long we are saying "it all goes so fast".  before long we are saying, "what did i do with my life?"  and then it's over... 

at what point in our lives do we think about what we want to be remembered for instead of what feels good right now?  what will our story be?  what will other's say our story was?

it's an honor to be here now in this little blip of time that is my lifetime.  i'm so happy to be placed where i am with the people that i have around me.  

what do we have but our own little corner of the world that we can do our best to make lighter and more beautiful?  what do we have other than choosing love?  what do we have other than giving our children the tools to make their own corner of the world more lovely after we're gone?

what my first trimester has taught me

HA.  No I'm not pregnant.  But I'm planning on living until I'm ninety.  I have a month left until I turn 30.  I'm scared about this one.  The only way out of turning thirty is to die and since that's not in my agenda, this birthday is going to happen.  I had such big plans.  By the time I was thirty I was planning on having traveled to all seven continents.  I've only set foot in four.  I was planning on being done with my nursing and be at least almost finished with my widifery or nurse practitioner license.  I was planning on having my black belt, and recent goals had me qualifying for Boston by thirty.

So I've decided that I'm not terrified about the age; or really aging at all.  I think I've gotten better with age.  I'm terrified about my life slipping me by and missing it.  And all the while I'm trying not to miss it I've been missing it.

I have two children; they are beautiful.  They are a part of me.  It wasn't part of my initial plan but here they are and I am in awe of how much I love them.  I look back at the child I was when I got married.  Now I am divorced.  This could and is thought by many to be a failure.  Parts of me think that it is, but oh the wealth that I have learned from this part of my story!  And now I have these sweet babies because of this horrible mistake.  And now these choices have led me to another man and another child who I love so much and who loves us so much.

If I was to sum up what I have learned in the first thirty years of my life I would say it is that our choices have consequences.  Yes, mom was right.  Choose wisely what you value.  This is the only life we get; no do-overs.  If you wish to travel, you may not get your education when you planned.  If you choose to get married to the a man with no integrity, he will not protect or provide for you.  After he leaves you he will not protect or provide for your children.  There are consequences for marrying the wrong man.  It doesn't mean you are bad and your life is over.  It just means your story is different and your children's story is different.  I'll never get to do the last ten years over again.  They are done.  But I really hope to kick ass at the next sixty.