This week I felt so overwhelmed. I felt that the possibility of happiness was so far fetched. What could I possibly have been thinking? I made a mistake... many mistakes. How could I ever hope to be happy again after making such life altering decisions that were so disastrous? How could I justify ever being happy again?
All of it hurt. From my own childhood family falling apart along with all the split relationships, to my other AC family falling apart and all those split relationships, to my own grown up family falling apart... ...and all the split relationships...
What the hell? Why does this happen? The connection I felt to those people growing up was so real. I don't hate anyone. I think it's fair to say I still love everyone. It is so hard to describe. It was a piece of who I was; who I am. How does someone explain such closeness like I had with that family? They were more than family. I didn't know where our family ended and theirs began. Yes, there was plenty of dysfunction like any other family, but it was beautiful; amazing memories; how I loved them. How I love them.
How does this all go away? Why do we grow up? Why do people disagree and abandon this type of closeness? It happens to most people at some point or another I guess. It happens in churches and friendships and families. It will be so beautiful and the beauty of it will be so tarnished by how it ends. For the last several years I have maintained the position that I would have chosen to never have had what I had than to lose it. I have felt that way with all three of my families that I have lost. It hurts too much to accept something as a positive aspect in my life when it just ended so horribly. I'm not sure I still feel that way. The good was great. The bad was worse. Was it worth it?
Pain is everywhere; pain from the kid pushed around at home or school to the old woman who feels abandoned and alone. Hunger, death, physical suffering... it's everywhere. And somehow, beauty manages to push through. People manage to hope again. A gesture gets through. A flower pushes it's way through cement.
Here I am alive. Smarter. Better. Much more compassionate and gracious. Yes, a little more cynical but also so grateful for the moments of closeness I had. The closeness I have with those in my life now. I am so thankful for my forevers. The five women that stood beside me when I got married still have loved me thru my divorce. If divorce was a ceremony I would ask the same five to walk it with me. The two women that I ran my marathon with haven't abandoned me but have continued to be pillars in my life. They are two of the best friends anyone could ask for. I am blessed with a family who loves me; Parents and sisters/sister-inlaw that have shown me support in a million different ways. And I'm blessed by a man who loves me; who gives and gives and gives. A man who has stayed beside me over the hardest year of my life and has been steady and supportive. A man who has taken on my goals and my children as a part of his story. I'm very thankful for him and l love him very much. I'm a lucky girl. I'm pushing my way through. I think it was worth it. It was a part of my story. It has made me who I am now.
