here's the thing

i've had some time to myself lately. it's been nice. ummmm let me put this differently. it has been one of the single best times of my life. i have been deeeeeeply relaxed. but here's the thing. i have been learning a few things about myself.

i have an anxiety problem. i knew that. you all knew that. DUH. but here i have been, in a coma of relaxation but still experiencing a small level anxiety about the stupidest things. so i've had time to analyze my thought processes and try to dissect why this is happening.

i get up and want to get showered and dressed so i can get my errands done. i try to quickly get through my errands. i try to get all the housework done. i do a wash even though it's not quite a full load because i want to get it done and then i won't have to do it later. i do mother's day shopping so it can be done and out of the way even though it would be nice to do it with my family. i don't enjoy any of this. i'm trying to just get it done.

so i have time to think. why? why am i trying to get it done? what is it i am trying to get this stuff done for? what would i rather be doing? is it so i can sit and watch my show? is it so i can read or take a bath? nope. because when i take a bath or read i'm just trying to get it done so i can just relax. but i never relax. not usually. even when i'm relaxing i'm making lists. thinking through how i can best get stuff done. how ridiculous. i can never get everything done!

i've never really allowed myself to process through all of this. i'm glad i did because i see how this affects my family. my husband feels like he is just a number on my list. my kids feel like i just can't wait to get them to bed. no one feels treasured. i do treasure them but i have such a hard time resting and living in the moment.

i want to stop being efficient. i want to stop making lists. i want to stop looking forward to the future nothings and start living in the present; regardless of how medial it is. i want more than anything for my husband and kids to feel loved and treasured by me. i love and treasure them more than anything in the world.

we're all in this together

it's been a lot of years since i've done serious traveling; the kind of traveling that changes a person; the kind that opens up the world, and unleashes perspective. sometimes it's easy to forget. sometimes when i'm so sad or so stressed or so exhausted with the minor difficulties in my own little life i forget. I forget what real suffering looks like. I forget what really matters.

this is my last entry from overseas 6/24/2004
"India passes before me. Here I sit all alone on a train traveling home. Am I going home or leaving it? I'm not so sure anymore. The little curtain that is keeping out the dozens of Indian stares keeps blowing open every time someone walks by. There are certain things I never want to forget. For instance, the endearing 'chai guy' who deems it his duty to announce what he sells at an ear-splitting volume both day and night at 10 minute intervals. No I don't want to forget him. I don't want to forget how good an air conditioning feels in 120 degree weather. I don't want to forget what a blessing filtered water is. I don't want to forget beautiful sunsets or the power of monsoon rains. I could forget sickness like I've never experienced, no privacy, millions of stares, and being followed daily. But no, it will all stay with me because I will remind myself. I will make myself remember.
The sky is beautiful. I think God pays special attention and reveals more of his beauty in the Indian sky because it is lacking everywhere else. As I sit here looking at it, I know I am so blessed. I'm blessed to have seen this sky and the filth under it. I know what really matters. I'm a changed person and not because of India but because of Jesus. Oh may I never forget! May nothing ever keep me from living; from truly living. I have my entire life ahead of me. I don't know what it looks like and it doesn't matter. I know now what really matters."



thank you http://williaminpismo.blogspot.com/

gross

i love this picture. i don't want to take away from the power behind it with my own words but i don't want my own words to be misinterpreted because i don't say them. i believe jesus is the way. jesus isn't my issue; it's people. whether i believe he is the only way doesn't mean i can dictate to others what they should believe and why MY interpretation of MY belief is correct.

many christians are just as morally depraved as people from every other religion that uses it's own belief system to manipulate and control people. there is absolutely no difference to me and i don't think there is to god either. gross.

i am so disgusted with some specific christians right now. when i was in india i was so disgusted with hindus for the exact same reason. christians and hindus and the rest of them, are people who have the potential for incredible selfishness, coercion, and evil. it is just awful what people do to each other.

there is nothing worse than when 'god,' (a version of god), is used to get what someone wants out of fearful, impressionable, and weak people. i feel myself shy away from their interpretation of scripture, and "words" that people have, because all of this is a PERSONAL BELIEF! scripture can be whatever you want it to mean and just because you can argue better than someone who is weaker doesn't mean you're right! gross. gross. gross.

b's

this post is for the two b's in my life. i am so thankful for you two. i crashed in on your parade and you never made me feel like the third wheel. you put up with my whining, and my speeding, my ranting, and have just loved me. you've called me to check up on me when i sounded 'not quite right'. you learned what 'not quite right' sounds like. there really couldn't be three more different people and yet for that reason, this little clan is a success. bethany, you take care of us and make sure we stay on track. it's so nice to trust you enough to lean on everything you've learned. but more than that, i'm blown away by your encouragement. it works! beth, your honesty is so refreshing. you are so real and transparent and it makes me feel like anything is possible. you are seriously inspirational to me. you give me hope for myself in more ways than running. the way we work together, defer to each other, and rally each other is such a beautiful thing. i don't think it's typical and i'm so thankful for it.

i love you girls.