fat free?

i don't get the fat free thing... lite and margarine and no whip blah blah... i eat red meat and vitamin D milk and full fat everything... i have tried the fat free thing and realized a few things. it generally has quite a bit more sugar to make up for the fact that it tastes crappy... and also, it just doesn't satisfy... i would rather have one yogurt than need five yoplait fat free extra skinny yogurts to feel full...

now i'm not gonna drink bacon grease or anything but when i think healthy i don't think non-fat. i'm proud of how many vegetables and fruit my household goes through in a week. two full drawers of veggies and one big bowl of fruit. my kids have never eaten mcdonalds or taco bell. that's just gross. but they also eat plenty of butter, milk, and meat and i don't want that to change.

so i'm not a fat free fan unless it is a cholesterol problem... which makes sense...

i'm sure there are many sides to this issue and i'd like to hear them...

ok please discuss...

i did it

the day before my six week running anniversary i ran a half marathon. i ran it it 2H 11M. i averaged 10 miles per hour which i am hugely proud of because the ENTIRE thing was mountainous hills. really unbelievably STEEP hills.

haha couch to half marathon in six weeks. i was ok after except my stomach hurt really bad and my knees got soooo swollen. josh had to carry me downstairs and give me an epsom salt bath when i got home. then he iced my knees on and off the entire evening. the next day i was back to normal... ready to run again.

i know it probably seems stupid to hold up my half marathon as one of the biggest days of my life. but it's not the actual run or the actual day that means so much. it is what it represents. last year was one of the hardest years of my life. personally i was so stuck in my muck and depression and hormones. i was sinking in tar. i didn't let josh help me; i didn't communicate to him what i needed. i hardly got up off the couch and when i left the house it was only because i absolutely HAD to.

so i started running after trying to for so long. beth and bethany inspired me and encouraged me and were true friends. it was hard. so miserable. beginning running sucks. josh made every effort to give me time to run and stretch with me and make sure i kept with it. i felt selfish at first that i was taking so much time for something all about me. but he spoke so positively about it that i started to get over that. i intended to run in may but this came up and i thought i would give it a shot.

so running on that day mile after mile (6 more than i had ever run), meant the world to me. it meant all my hours upon hours of training paid off. it meant all the support i got paid off. it meant i really am capable of completing and excelling in my life even when the obstacles are extremely difficult. i cried when i finished. i couldn't believe it.

i also learned something about my relationship with josh. i ask him not to come to the race because i didn't think i would be able to finish and i didn't want my failure recognized. i didn't believe in myself but i also didn't let him believe in me. the day of the race i was so nervous and he was just hugging me and telling me i could do it. when i was done i needed him because i could hardly walk and he took such good care of me. i realized that i'm not usually vulnerable enough with him to let him see me fail or succeed and to let him take care of me either way. i was sad he wasn't there, but i'm glad that it happened because i learned something about myself and about him. josh doesn't need me to succeed for him to value me or be proud of me. i don't need him to either. that wouldn't be a real relationship. we are supposed to support and love each other regardless if we fail or succeed. i haven't been letting him support me and it's scary but i'm going to change that.

so, running is awesome and it's changed my life in so many ways. and now with my husband's support, and my trusty running friends, i'm going to start training for a full marathon. ahhhh i can't believe i just typed that!!!



nerves before




trying to figure out how to put on that thing... haha this was my first race...




go team go!





before





after... FREEZING and pretty pooped... actually bethany looks like she barely broke a sweat. me and beth had had it...

frickin frick

i'm so tired of reading and hearing about people's problems with other people... the ones i love... why the hell does everyone think that they are right? why do they think that when things go wrong, that their perspective is the correct one? there is is self satisfaction i hear and see in almost every single person that has been apart of all this mess... all the messes that have surrounded and clouded my life...

i'm angry right now and annoyed, but more than anything i'm super hurt because i just wish more than anything that everyone would STOP!

you don't get to decide who was wrong or what was bad or good... you get decide what is right and wrong for you and then you get to keep your mouth shut about everything else. please stop... please please please...

right with god

in a stupid heated discussion in which i was mostly in the wrong, the other person told me i wasn't right with god. they kind of threw it in there and i honestly didn't think twice about it because i just assumed they were right. it wasn't till the next day that i thought, "!?!?!!?!?!?".

i wouldn't go so far as to go out of my way to declare that i am right with god. i mean who knows but how could someone else possibly judge that about me?

because i question? because i'm searching? because i'm actually honest about it? these things don't make me "un-right" with god. in fact i would go so far as to say that i'm way "righter" than i think i've ever been and way "righter" than many people who look like they are "ultra-right"

it is frustrating that i cannot seem to get across that my questioning is not coming from a place of rebellion. and i'm not questioning god himself. at all. i'm questioning who the christian culture says he is and what it requires of it's followers. i guess i don't really care if you, or whoever thinks i am right with god because that is the stupidest, vaguest, most ominous description anyways. there is no way to hold a ruler to what it actually means and it is subject to each person's interpretation; which sort of leaves god out of it. like many things that christians say, accept and don't question.

but what actually pricks my heart about it is that god might actually think that i am not right with him. after wrestling with this today i don't think he does. i don't know. i'm really not sure. but that would be sad because when all is said and done, and it is just him and i, i want him to be proud of me. i want him love where i am at and what i have done with what i have been given.