random

so this is probably my favorite one of these yet... i thought they were just soooo unbelievably shallow until i caught the new ones on E tonight and wow... holly and bridget were great... i sorta liked them all along anyways. but it's a great picture and i believe in it so there ya go.

on another note, i'm so frustrated with all the emails i'm getting from readers that want to comment but my site won't let them. it's very fRUStrating. so until i figure this little problem out, just email your comments and i'll post them. i like them being on the site so people can read other people's thoughts and opinions. anyways we'll see if i can figure this out.

regarding my last post, i made the call. the ball is rolling and i'm instantly terrified and want to retract everything i said. but i'm not going to... i'm gonna grow if it kills me. and it probably will.

job's wife

it must be really annoying to those of you who keep up with me because it's the same ol story all the time; just gets worse. i feel bad and have considered giving up writing because it's almost embarrassing. but i'm not going to. at least not yet. depends on how low this goes.

i had epiphany on sunday. i've been holding back because i don't feel that i'm ready. in a million ways i don't feel ready. i don't feel like i am strong enough or christian enough to do the million things i want to do. i don't believe the things that i should believe. i keep waiting to become ready. this approach isn't working. so all of sudden it hit me that i'm the one holding me back. i keep letting my life happen to me. i'm not taking control of my life. i'm just being tossed around and ground down; not taking initiative; not standing back up when i fall down; just falling and falling and falling.

the truth is i know i have a hell of a lot more in me than this. i'm pretty tough. i always was. when did i give up? i know when. i know what happened and why i did. but i'm stronger than this. taking a plunge does not make me weak. it makes me strong. it didn't take me long at all to become job's wife; someone that gave up and ceased giving hope. it didn't take much for me to lose my faith. i have a pretty low threshold for faith losing i guess.

i keep thinking i'm ready and try to get up and i never know where to start or how to do it. tomorrow i need to make the call. i'm going to do it.

to all the ones i love

i never was a merciful person. if someone was depressed i just thought they should get over it. if they were mean or abusive i would just think they are a bad person. i'm not sure what happened or when. but my heart breaks for all the people around me that are doing shitty things. my heart breaks for the people judging them; for the people that are reacting in fear and anger; for the people that are doing what they do because they are broken and don't know what else to do.

i'm sad for everyone that is angry with everyone else. i'm sad for the people that are making judgements without knowing the history or the reasons. i wish everyone would try to understand that they might not know. they may be wrong. they might not know the whole story.

everyone has a perspective. everyone's perspective is valuable. everyone's perspective is valid to them.