vegas

so we're going to vegas. really it's a miracle trip because it's free and everything worked out so perfectly. i was just telling josh that i want three days away with him and we got offered the trip less than twelve hours later. i don't remember life with my husband without kids. the most we've ever been away alone together in three years was to pismo for twelve hours. which was great, i'm not complaining or anything. but wow. three whole days. two nights. staying up all night knowing i can sleeping in. gin and tonic. nachos. dancing like crazy teenagers while wearing a mini and three inch heels. (me, not josh heh heh.) winning lots and lots of money. hahaha. not serious on the last one. but the rest of it i'm so excited about.

the last time we were in vegas we were getting married!!!! (for the second time.)

take care of myself

last week was a bad week. real bad. mostly i'm writing about negative things right now. i'm not gonna lie, i feel like there are a lot of negative things in my life. so if you read my blog that's mostly what you'll come across. but i know that my perspective is part of the problem. either way, i have no desire to pretend or put up some front that is a facade to who or where i really am.

so it wasn't anxiety for once. well, i guess in a way it was but in an unusual way. i want my husband to love me. so bad. i guess he does but i have all these stupid ways of trying to find out. anyways last week some things came out between us that probably needed to. despite how uncomfortable it was, i kind of think it needed to happen. there are some things i just need to trust. i need to stop trying to test everything. my husband loves me. he does. a lot.

then he left town. this trip has been planned forever but i just didn't like the timing. i was feeling incredibly insecure and emotional about our week from hell.

so he just called me and i was feeling pathetic and needy. bummer. i am so dependent on his moods, reactions, feelings, that i lose myself. my entire life is so immeshed with josh and these children. who the hell am i anymore? i'm scared that what i feel will cause a loss of love. i portray what i think will be acceptable. how miserable. for me and him.

anyways, i think this is part of the reason i've been so blah. i had a really helpful talk with a special someone who is so balanced in the arena. i felt at ease after hearing the way she handles herself with the other facets of her life. i think coordinate is the word. this is possible. it is possible to coordinate my needs and the needs of my family.

i think that despite common cultural christian opinion, (the three c's heh heh), i need to take care of myself before i can truly take care of my family. if i am haggard and not making my needs (and desires) known, they will sense that i am worn thin and ragged.

i never thought i'd say this, but i think i need to start loving myself before i can pour out.