i forgot what this feels like.

today i am not tired. i am not tired! i didn't remember this feeling called not tired. it's incredible. invigorating. exciting. i am ecstatic to think that this could be my life. everything feels so simple today. even the not simple things are simplified. i have been tired for so long that i'm wondering what sort of perspective shift will happen. i'm excited what not being tired will do; what i will see and enjoy that i have been missing.

last night was the first night that i slept a full eight hours uninterrupted. not even once! a week ago two interruptions in that time would have been an improvement. things are shifting and i guess i'm just shocked how much it is affecting me.

this sounds funny but i feel like i've fallen in love with my children all over again. they are just so silly and fun. today i was waiting for probably five minutes while gwen tried to maneuver her way out of the car while carrying her new lawn chair. i was so happy to just watch her figure it out. she then carried it down the stairs, out onto the deck, turned it toward the view, sat down, and proceeded to read her book. she's just so great.

thinking of the millions of little precious things they do i feel that i haven't been appreciating. this not tired thing is pretty cool.

i'm a christian...

i am a christian. not the christian that i was growing up. and definitely not the christian i was when i was in the mission field. i'm more like the christian i used to judge. the one that i thought was a cop-out and may as well just be a pagan.

it's not what i do; it's how i think. i like the coexist sticker. i almost want to put it on my car.

i really really enjoy my liquor and cigarettes and i really want to smoke pot but my husband has put his foot down on that one. why did i have to wait till i have kids to get the pot urge? anyways, it doesn't look like thats gonna happen on this side of fifty anyways. oh well. i get very uncomfortable when people sound spiritual or throw scriptures around. i'm one of tHOSe people who doesn't like organized religion. i don't really like most christians.

i never thought i would be this person. but as i think about it i can't believe that i used to be one of those people.

i tried to reject jesus. i tried valiantly for two years. worked hard at staying bitter and pushing everyone away. he was still there. i don't think it ever really bothered him. he just kept loving me. i tried not to but i fell for him again. i couldn't help it. i'm not into the bible or praying or being spiritual. but i am into him. there is something about him and i know it's him. i recognize him.

i choose him. i don't choose anything else; but i do choose him.

who am i?

it's time for me to grow up. i'm a mom after all. i'm the adult. no one tells me when to go to bed and to eat my veggies and yet i still feel that i am waiting for an adult to step in and tell me what to do. i am the adult. it falls on me. this is not liberating. it is terrifying. it scares me to death.

somehow becoming a wife and mother did not make me grown up. i expected it to but it didn't. instead i fell into this roll that i was not prepared for and certainly was not qualified for. now i am lost in this position. the complexity of this job has drowned me. i expected this all to look and feel so different. i expected to be a better wife and mother. i expected to be full of joy a whole lot more and feel desperation a whole lot less. i never expected to feel overwhelmed and hopeless so much.

for two and a half years i have been a mother. i will never regret it, because my children are unbelievable. i love them so deeply that it aches. they are wonderful. but i feel lost in it. this blog is an effort for me to find me again. i am not expecting the me that i find to be the same me that existed before motherhood. i am not even expecting to the like the me i find. but i am willing to take that chance. who am i? i honestly have know idea and it is overwhelming to think about. but i am ready.

new blog

my brand new blog... i've been stewing on this for a while and am so excited to write... i used to write and it seems that motherhood has sucked me dry of every creative instinct... here i go...